tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16773051112761820092024-03-19T18:28:03.827+11:00Musings of a Med Student PatientWhen I was 17 I was diagnosed with leukemia, a deadly blood cancer.
This blog is a story of my journey through it all and shows how I've managed to stay happy and healthy to this day.
I'm also a medical student - so I hope my experiences from both sides of the doctor patient relationship can inspire you to be the best person you can be.
Be sure to subscribe via email and share this to help others!Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.comBlogger93125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-60542364948514383352018-12-11T14:50:00.000+11:002018-12-11T14:50:31.515+11:00It's been a while... But I've been working hard.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So it's been a while since I posted something here. A LONG while. Sorry to all my followers on this platform - I've moved to nikhilautar.com (I should be posting here and there though, that's my fault. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So where have I been? What have I been up to? Well, I've been working hard. Promise. I've nearly finished my research degree - the one I decided to complete while I waited for my immune system to strengthen, so I could do medicine again. Hopefully I'll get some publications and formally contribute to science and human development! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But I've also been busy on this startup. One I think could make a huge difference, and hopefully, save many lives. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I started this up after losing a couple of friends to preventable illnesses and complications. Things like falls, pneumonias, and pressure sores are our most common causes of hospitalisation, they take tens of thousands of lives per year, and cost us billions as well. I looked into the problem. Talked to a lot of nursing homes, patients and carers. And I realised there was an opportunity to create something that made life easier, reduced work for nurses and healthcare staff, prevented these issues - all at an affordable price point!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">That's when I founded <a href="http://gettosleepeasy.org/" target="_blank">Get To Sleep Easy</a>. How are we accomplishing this? Through our Smart Inclining Bed. This is a device which sits on top of your bed, and converts any bed into a hospital bed, for a tenth of the price of current beds! In addition to this, our smart sensors underneath can map user movement for a fraction of the price of current technologies. This allows us to, for the first time, let nursing homes, and people like you and me, who wanna keep our loved ones at home longer, be alerted of things like falls, pressure sore development - even if someone's stopped breathing! Plus, we've got some other cool innovations in the pipeline too. Check it out! And be sure to sign up to our email list if you're interested in becoming a test partner, or just interested in our development. <a href="http://www.gettosleepeasy.org/signup" target="_blank">Click here</a> to sign up specifically for that - and <a href="http://www.nikhilautar.com/mybooks" target="_blank">click here </a>to join my email list!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I'd love to share some awesome news... After a long month of campaigning, and losing a few friends from a bit of spam - we at Get To Sleep Easy won Australian Student Startup of the Year last week, at Startcon (the biggest startup conference on the scene)! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It's a huge honour. If you did know about this, whether you voted or not... I'd just like to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all your support. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So where are we? What comes next? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Well, in a completely separate competition... we may be getting flown out to become GLOBAL Student Startup of the Year (that'll be amazing). We've got working prototypes which we hope to test with our amazing nursing home partners in 3 - 4 months time. For reference, we've got a device that converts any bed into a hospital bed for 1/10th of the price and smart sensors that detect and prevent falls, pressure sores - even if someone's stopped breathing (let me know if you'd like to test these, or get one for loved ones!)! We've got opportunities to jump into some prestigious business accelerators which will turbocharge our progress, for sure.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And finally, in a few weeks, we'll be doing some crowdfunding that'll hopefully get us much needed cash, get our brand out there, and show, even more, to future investors how much these things are needed! <a href="http://gettosleepeasy.org/signup" target="_blank">I'll email you on day 1 of launch if you sign up here</a> (your support then would help us out in getting us seen through the Kickstarter algorithm - I'll explain more in a few weeks). But if you want, you can help us get there faster by <a href="http://gofundme.com/gettosleepeasy" target="_blank">supporting our GoFundMe too!</a></span><br />
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<i>The Mellow- the most ergonomic, scientifically designed pillow on the market! Check this and other products out at <a href="http://gettosleepeasy.org/" target="_blank">GetToSleepEasy.org </a>or support us on <a href="http://gofundme.com/gettosleepeasy" target="_blank">GoFundMe!</a></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But yeah. Hopefully this can go on to make an impact.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In other news, for those of you who follow along on Facebook or Instagram, you may have heard about my recent health troubles... A few weeks ago, I had another cancer scare, after also getting a few sezires. But I'm glad to report all seems to still be well! Here's hoping there won't be any other scares like this in the future! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">My research - I've completed the degree/exam components! Now I've just gotta deliver my research project to graduate from that research degree! Hopefully, sometime over the next few years, I'll be healthy enough to get back into the wards, but Get To Sleep Easy, if we keep going the way we're going, will ensure I can keep making an impact, no matter what!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms', sans-serif;"><a href="http://nikhilautar.com/mybooks">And I'm also writing a book too</a>! Definitely check this out if you're interested (I need people to act as editors, for sure!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I'd love to hear more about how you are. Again, thank you so much for all the support you've given me. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help you. And let me know what you think about Get To Sleep Easy.</span></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-41434420011108912842017-10-28T03:09:00.000+11:002017-10-28T04:50:56.866+11:00Why and How are Doctors and Medical Students so Depressed? And What Can WE Do About it? <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">The day I got into medicine, was the greatest day of my
life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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I'm sure many medical students and doctors would tell you the exact same
thing...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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For me it was personal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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I'd always wanted to study medicine. What better job was there? You could save lives
and live in relative comfort your entire life. I'd get to emulate my childhood
hero growing up, Captain Hawkeye Pierce from M.A.S.H. </span></div>
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But after leukaemia struck my life... it became personal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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I wanted to help people as I'd been helped. It was my doctor's words; that
"The Good News Is You're 17 and You Have Leukaemia, but the Bad News is
You're 17, And You Have Leukaemia..." and his actions that got me to
believe that I actually had a chance in this... It was another patients' words
the day before my transplant that really sunk in, and changed my life. Imagine
being in a position to do that for people everyday!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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My first day in medicine was one of the most joyful of my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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I was so excited to finally be in a position to give back, and so delighted to
be alongside so many other people who cared just as me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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But as time went on... things changed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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For me, and for many of my classmates too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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As I progressed through the course, I got more and more burdened with work, and
more and more dissatisfied, and indoctrinated (pardon the pun) into the collective Group-Think of
modern medicine. One which emphasised speed over accuracy, marks over
competence. One which measured success through KPIs such as reduced wait times
and greater efficiency rather than reduced morbility and morbidity, and higher
patient satisfaction and involvement. As I feel many in this profession feel at some point. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Doctors have the</span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/medical-school-can-be-brutal-and-its-making-many-of-us-suicidal/2016/10/07/faa1a14e-8a4c-11e6-875e-2c1bfe943b66_story.html?utm_term=.e080a4069bc2"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> highest rates of depression of any profession.</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/05/opinion/why-do-doctors-commit-suicide.html"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">They are second highest in suicide. </span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/843758"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">They have the highest rates of alcoholism too. </span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/2589340"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">1/4 medical students are majorly depressed, and more
than 1/10 will think about suicide in any given year. </span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">And this in a population who are <i>most educated</i> about
mental illness, and the fact that they are illnesses, not just an abstract
constructs or "excuses," as many still widely suggest and believe.
Somehow still, amongst those with depression or severe symptoms of
depression, </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/2589340"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">only 15% of medical students actually get help</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">... For doctors...</span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://careers.bmj.com/careers/advice/view-article.html?id=20015402"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> the rates are even lower</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Why is this happening though? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Aren't these people being paid heaps? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><i>How I imagined life would be after med.</i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Aren't they close to services? </span></div>
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Don't they know the risks of the disease, and how altered biochemistry can
alter your very mental state - your very person? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Well, there are many reasons why. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://careers.bmj.com/careers/advice/view-article.html?id=20015402"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">This article delves amazingly deep into them. </span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Various personality traits and attitudes make doctors more likely to suffer
from depression. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Perfectionism, hints of narcissism in some, compulsiveness in others, martyrism in most, and disparaging views of
vulnerability are all commonplace. </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2082912/"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Facing death, watching good people suffer, and losing
the battle over and over again</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> also burdens doctors. </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="https://medium.com/@happidoc/doctor-heal-thyself-doctors-burnout-31ecdc330bec" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Burnout from stress affects 45%
of doctors</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">, ladies and senior physicians in particular. And </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/05/opinion/why-do-doctors-commit-suicide.html"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">as this article puts so poignantly</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">, Osler, the founder of the
first American residency program, advocating for equanimity in physicians, was
perhaps the largest contributor to all this... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Many doctors feel that showing
weakness is a failure on their part. A failure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">If they're not steady under pressure,
how can they serve their patients? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">And that can be a tough burden
to bear...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">400 doctors take their own
lives in America alone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">An entire medical school's
worth...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br />
Junior doctors and medical students have similarly sky-high rates of depression
and suicide ideation (the 10% figure is a conservative estimate; studies in my
nation show , but have the added pressure of exams and the weight of
expectations on their shoulders too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Furthermore, </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="https://bmcmededuc.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12909-016-0841-8"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">other factors</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">, such as living on their own for the
first time, often overseas for many students (where the added pressure of
maintaining a steady income is another burden), high levels of student debt,
and the sheer pressure of the course and succeeding itself plagues many
students. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Many of my medical student and junior doctors friends
complain about many of the above stresses. Many feel medicine takes over their
lives. In a time where they should be out and enjoying their life, many
students, as well as doctors, regret not enjoying life more. </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://ideas.time.com/2013/07/02/the-epidemic-of-disillusioned-doctors/"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">And many feel disillusioned too</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">. They feel they were misled
about what medicine actually was. About the impact they have. About the
difference they make. So many of my friends express this in particular. </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/junior-doctor-suicides-at-least-20-lives-lost-due-to-enormous-pressure/news-story/62606951f02d37f6365f6f00e4f492c2"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">But the toxic, competitive hospital environment</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">, where specialty spots are
limited, the medical heirachy is emphasised (</span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/tarun-rahman/medical-school-toxic-culture_b_13533542.html"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">and perpetuated by older doctors in an "If I went
through it, they should too" manner</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">) and </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2008-07-08/suicide-rate-much-higher-for-medical-students-amsa/2497690"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 13.5pt;">bullying</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> is rife, also pushes many
young meddies over the edge. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br />
Very recently, in my country, Australia, </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-13/doctor-suicides-prompt-calls-for-overhaul/8443842"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">3 junior doctors took their lives within one week</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVoPPjD4Gr_lN_6V0fJcO4ac42yfS_G4yLVWbz-8M4JhCBUSFKVlTCinMgec1iFwOmP1HMdPhcoGcxQRsuuIzLvGOUXm6dCJwlLMhE2I_BzewsZWVpCDncGbCFkQTY4QQr05_jB03QHpgR/s1600/yound+doctor+advocate+took+her+own+life.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="467" data-original-width="700" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVoPPjD4Gr_lN_6V0fJcO4ac42yfS_G4yLVWbz-8M4JhCBUSFKVlTCinMgec1iFwOmP1HMdPhcoGcxQRsuuIzLvGOUXm6dCJwlLMhE2I_BzewsZWVpCDncGbCFkQTY4QQr05_jB03QHpgR/s320/yound+doctor+advocate+took+her+own+life.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>One of those young doctors, a passionate advocate for medical students took her own life. </i></div>
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">THREE. YOUNG. LIVES...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">With so much to look forward
to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">In. One. Week. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">2 people I knew took their own
life last year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">1 was an old school mate of
mine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">What can we do about it then? I guess that's the question
that remains. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Well, dealing with how doctors perceive themselves and
mental illness is one step in the right direction. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">This great TED Talk, one of the highest rated of all time I
believe, discusses the expectation of doctor perfection, and how this
counter-intuitively actually worsens patient outcomes. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/iUbfRzxNy20" width="560"></iframe>
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">When doctors feel they have to be perfect, that their
mistakes are their fault, a great burden is placed on their head. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">It's important to be competent, don't get me wrong. But
this unreal expectation of perfection is what, as Brian Goldman points out
here, is only harming doctors more. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">We're not learning from it right now. There's no mandatory
reporting of issues or near misses in hospitals. More recently, at a quality
and safety lecture I attended, I learned there was one in our hospitals in my
state in Australia, but that it was under-utilized, and something feared by
doctors, as opposed to the learning tool it was intended to be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Something as simple as a place for doctors to confess
mistakes, and seek sympathy from other doctors, could change the lives of
hundreds of thousands of silently suffering, perfection seeking, burned out
medicos. And it could improve patient outcomes too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Of course, it needs to be a done in a sensitive manner.
Perhaps confidentially, with identification being made impossible. Though it's
horrible that some die due to lapses in doctors' concentration, as pointed out
in this article, </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/05/opinion/why-do-doctors-commit-suicide.html"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">overworked doctors, facing physical and emotional
stress, are less competent ones</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">. Hundreds of thousands </span><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/05/03/476636183/death-certificates-undercount-toll-of-medical-errors"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">will die due to medical error this year alone -
medical error is estimated to be the third highest killer</span></a></span><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"> in the American medical
system. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">The numbers are alarming, to be sure. But not learning from
mistakes, not making diagnostic/prescribing/treatment processes better, and not
giving doctors a place to vent, and relax, is only going to increase this
number if anything. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/L3QkaS249Bc" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<i><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;">A great TED talk by a very
interesting man - Atul Gawande (highly recommend his books on medicine and how
to fix it), discussing a simple process which reduced mortality in surgeries by
as much as 40% - a checklist. These little innovations and improvements are
necessary to accomplish the end goal of saving more lives and reducing
suffering! </span></i><span lang="EN-AU" style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span lang="EN-AU">But reducing medical error
alone isn't the only way we can ease doctors' strife. </span><span lang="EN-AU"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span lang="EN-AU">Loss is something many doctors
have to face too. </span><span lang="EN-AU"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span lang="EN-AU"><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2082912/" target="_blank">And it's a big contributor
to doctor and medical student dissatisfaction. </a></span><span lang="EN-AU"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I can only imagine how going to
work everyday, knowing that you're going to witness suffering, pain and death
can be soul-wrenching. I certainly do feel disillusioned when walking through
wards and seeing the same story, of a seemingly nice person, suddenly finding
their health deteriorating, and then, in most cases, having some scars from all
this tail them for life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/dealing-with-loss-survivors-guilt.html" target="_blank">I’ve faced loss myself. A fewtimes, from patients I’ve befriended on their journey. </a></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">It wasn’t easy. It never is at
first. Especially when it’s someone you’ve really connected with. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I can’t imagine how you doctors
can deal with it. This is how I dealt, and deal with mine though...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">When George passed… I was
devastated. It shouldn’t have happened. Not just because he was so young, not just
because he’d left a baby behind, but because it was so sudden. So unexpected.
Just so unfair. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And I was bereaved.
Inconsolable. But silently suffering. For weeks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I didn’t realise it at the
time, but I was going through depression. That was the first time I did. That
someone so young, innocent, someone who I’d helped grow to overcome so many
battles and someone who I thought would make it could go so soon made me
question why bother at all? In the face of so much struggle, so much of which
that we couldn’t resolve… Why bother facing anything at all? It didn’t make
sense. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXQCgNFtwqyAFtivSsP8gFSI-8VEhz3S7urz0_ab69G6fKPG76ckL1OtdSp4EiwSB_swT8tM5YE3Km9ejFR3009TbqAcwp5YT5HEYUYwqikbdIw94ox53eEtQNZx8ciTFuxj4jGS6g7Hag/s1600/heartbreaking.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="659" data-original-width="949" height="277" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXQCgNFtwqyAFtivSsP8gFSI-8VEhz3S7urz0_ab69G6fKPG76ckL1OtdSp4EiwSB_swT8tM5YE3Km9ejFR3009TbqAcwp5YT5HEYUYwqikbdIw94ox53eEtQNZx8ciTFuxj4jGS6g7Hag/s400/heartbreaking.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I stayed that way for weeks.
Scrolling down Facebook, watching Youtube video after Youtube video… unfeeling,
uncaring. Questioning why continue at all? Until one day, I talked to someone
about it. My father. He came up and hugged me from behind, and just held me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And I asked him, “why do we
bother?” He’d sensed I was going through something. He didn’t know why. But he
did. A parent’s intuition maybe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">He said, “Nikhil. Look.
Everyone in this world will die someday.” An abrupt start to what I’d expected
would be an inspiring, or inappropriate joke, something frequently gushing from
his mouth to be sure. But he continued, “We can’t control that. What we can
control, is what we do in our lives. We focus on doing our responsibility, and
that’s all, as best as we can. And where we can, we leave this place a better
state than we found it in.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I saw then, something I believe
is a fundamental truth of humanity. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">The feeling of helping someone,
of being an active member of a community, in the essential sense of the connection
that humans <i>need</i> to survive. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I'd always wanted to help people. It was just the right thing to do, it seemed. It's why I'd wanted to do medicine. Cancer just cemented that. But I realised that it also is the best thing you can do, not just for others, but also yourself. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Because that feeling of putting a smile on someone's face, or easing someone's struggles... unlike things like fame, money, power, men or women - all those things we seem to desire most in life, that can never be taken away from you. That will never seem meaningless. That's something you can always do.</span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br />And I want to share 1 unwaverable truth to all the doctors, medical staff, and regular people out there reading this...</span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">No matter how dire things seem, no matter how much you feel like you're just a cog in this machine which keeps churning out pain and death, no matter how much you feel hope, and powerless - YOU CAN, and DO, ALWAYS MAKE A DIFFERENCE. </span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">No matter what the outcome.</span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">Because what made my doctors special wasn't the medical calls they made or their knowledge and prowess, what made my doctors REALLY special to me was the times they'd talk about my biking progress or my basketball before an appointment (that alone mitigated the 1 - 2 hour wait to see them)... the time one doctor walked alongside me and chatted on the way to a lung plural biopsy which I knew was gonna hurt. It was the time my doctor decided to write in to the medical entrance board and allow me to sit the exams that would allow me to become a med student. THAT'S WHAT MADE THEM SPECIAL... to ME. </span></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">I've sat down with men who were dying's families and held their hands as they knew they were about to go, and been told by their family that that night we played snakes and ladders a few days before he passed was something he remembered on his deathbed itself. That the barbecue one friend had on father's day, when a companion of mine in hospital had finally gotten gate-leave on Father's day was the best barbecue and one of the best meals he'd had in his life. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">But to those reading this, I also want you to know also that you don't have to go this far to create change. Because the little things are Huge. They not only give fleeting happiness to your patients, your small gestures, and make you feel HUGELY cared for too as a patient... something that I realised I hadn't felt when I had severe, suicidal depression for a year until I visited my old doctor, who'd treated me first (thank God I didn't take that jump on that day.)... They also make you realise, at a doctor, that YOU ARE making a difference.That YOU DO matter... Those little acts of kindness reinvigorate you. </span></span><br />
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">And if you take that opportunity to be the light in peoples' darkest day, instead of going into work everyday thinking "Oh here we go, another 12 hour shift where I'm looking after people I can't even listen to me, yet alone help or save", "you'll be thinking, "whose day can I make... whose pain can I ease... whose LIFE can I change?"</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">And that's huge. It's the difference between this being a job and a profession. It's the difference between being run down or turning to alcohol or drugs to get by, and feeling fulfilled. It's the difference between life and death. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">So go out there and take every opportunity you can to do it. When you have a spare few minutes, take a few moments to see what allied health services around you can do to help improve quality of life for your patients and refer people to social workers to see how you can improve their lifestyles. They've made huge changes to my life, and so many others. It takes a median of 15 years for people to go see a pain clinic, for instance. Let's fix that.</span></span><br />
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A reason why people won't come in when they need to - "Oh why wait that long for something that won't help anyway"</div>
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">And if you still feel sometimes down despite it all, please, do get help. The biggest reasons doctors don't seek help is fear for their career, or what their peers will think about them. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">If that's you, let me tell you this. I'm a man who used his mind to find a way of smiling, despite his cancer, 3 days after being told he'd had it at 17. I'm a man who's ridden 200km 2 months after chemo for cancer charity. I'm a man one who's running 2 social enterprises, one of which will save HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS and BILLIONS in healthcare expenditure and most importantly... I'm man who found a way to smile after he'd been told he'd relapsed and that palliative care was a very good option in JUST 10 MINUTES... </span></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I still couldn't outthink depression. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">I still was miserable, despite my fighting against it and willing myself on, again and again. I still went into that deep dark place of wondering what's my point in my mind when the pain I face struck. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">If others think are thinking you're weak... then they'd better have done more than me. Otherwise, whoever is or would, is someone who doesn't understand something that should be basic knowledge. Someone judgemental and incapable of thinking outside the tiny little box that guides their life experience. Someone beneath your concern, someone who you wouldn't want to befriend anyway. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">Someone you shouldn't worry about, or let get into your way to becoming the most content version of yourself - something you do deserve, no matter what depression makes you feel otherwise. I say this because one of the other biggest reasons we don't get help is because we're embarrassed. </span></span><br />
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sometimes that person is yourself. Most of us are strong people. We power on. We've gotten through gruelling pre-med studies, then through medical schools and internship and everything that comes with the job, or in the struggle to get there. We can beat this. Or we can't be one of those losers or sadsacks or whiners who suffers. We just get on with it. Scraping by, as some of us always have. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">But getting help isn't the "weak" option. You don't get anything out of beating it. Why risk proving it to yourself, or put it off, or dismiss it as unnecessary, or just chinning up, and putting on a facade when you can get help to get you through it. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I can tell you that when I got help, this all changed. Instead of walking in front of a train that day, I decided to walk across the street from the lab I worked in to see my old doctor, tired, cramping and feeling so alone. And thankfully, he was there. He just sat there, talked, and acted as any person would for another. He did what any doctor should do. He cared for me. As well as took care of me. He sent me to emergency, something you guys reading on mostly likely wouldn't have to do, and I saw a psychiatrist. When I saw her, she said I wasn't despondent, and didn't need admitting, but would require therapy, for some time. When I asked about an SSRI (I'd noticed something was wrong for weeks), I remembered tbere was a drug I'd looked up for my unexplainable, untreatable cramping called duloxetine. I suggested it instead of the one she'd prescribed... and on day 2 of it... I not only lost this fog that was clouding my brain for a year every single day that I now know was depression, I also stopped feeling the pain. I'd felt as good as I had for years! Since before cancer. But it wasn't just a drug that got me there, and got me to stay there.</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was talking to someone about it. My psychiatrist, he mainly does psychotherapy. Indeed, his goal is to minimise drugs (indeed, I've eliminated all of my psychiatric;neurological ones for that depression currently), and I recommend seeing someone who does too - maybe a psychologist, perhaps your nations' doctor - doctor help line or mental health service (something I found out at that national doctors' conference that we did for the first time). It seems confronting to do - open yourself up and admit things that you've never admitted before - to others or yourself - but the very things that make it seem confronting are the very reasons why it's great. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">What you say, can never leave his or her office. You'll never see them in day to day life, or even have to see them again if you don't want to. They are literally professionals at their jobs. And whatever you say to them, they legally can't disclose to anyone! I encourage you to take that first step of reaching out to one, if you haven't before, and think you may benefit. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">And finally, I'd like to say thanks. You may not hear it a lot as doctors. It seems we patients are becoming less and less grateful over the years, but you guys really to matter to us. You see 20, 30, some of you, even 50 or 60 (in India, that's common according to my Uncle), but we only see 1. It seems like a huge burden when you put it that way. But it's also a huge opportunity. I hope what I've said convinces you to seize it with all your heart. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">
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</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nikhil</span></span><br />
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<span lang="EN-AU" style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; white-space: pre-wrap;">If you'd like to talk. I'm always here. </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;">Suicide hotlines: 13 11 14 - Lifeline Australia. Add a +61 after your international dialing requirement and punch this number if you don't have an alternative. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="background-color: white; white-space: pre-wrap;">American: </span><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">UK: Samaritins: </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">116 123</span></span></div>
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And I'd like to announce what I'm doing for the first time on this blog. I've started up a social enterprise that'll, as said above, save hundreds of thousands and billions of dollars a year! Check it out at <a href="http://www.gettosleepeasy.org/">www.gettosleepeasy.org</a> - here's what it is. </div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com78tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-57799473734119556092017-10-10T12:45:00.002+11:002017-10-10T17:07:47.755+11:00The 5 Most Common Arguments Used By Anti-Gay Marriage Campaigners and Why They're Wrong.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2017/06/depression-is-worse-than-cancer-how-im.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So, in my nation (Australia), we're currently running a national survey on whether people think Same Sex Marriage (SSM) should be allowed or not. A simple yes or no vote (<a href="http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/samesex-marriage-postal-vote-to-cost-122m/news-story/bf666331befab13cc7b98c52306bcd53" target="_blank">it cost us $122 million by the way</a>, and is non binding, in addition to <a href="http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/gay-marriage/why-spending-20-million-on-funding-the-marriage-equality-debate-will-be-a-massive-waste-of-money/news-story/605b381d2f5446eae5a002c416e6674a" target="_blank">$10million or so given directly to religious organisations to push a no campaign</a>). It's stirred up much debate in our nation. People are fuming. Fake news is flying rampant, mostly from the No side.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And recently, I had an interaction with a "No"campaigner who was handing out pamphlets on how marriage equality will affect children, particularly how education on this will corrupt our children and take choice away from parents. </span><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">It's been interesting watching our quite liberal and supportive Prime Minister push this survey through while managing his conservative party to say the least. </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My opinion on it - I'm all for SSM, even though I'm straight, even though I came from a background where homosexuality and anything of that nature was taboo. I'm all for equality. And for education. Many of the reasons for which I'll explain further below. But the main one? It's a health issue. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">LGBTQI people have a 5 - 11 times higher rate of attempted suicide compared to the usual population. 1/6 gay or lesbian have attempted suicide. 40% of transgender people (TWO IN FIVE!) have. Similar rates (15% and 41%) are thinking about it right now. And depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other mental illnesses/consequences of that? They're 21x more likely to suffer from those. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What's heartbreaking is that ch</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ildren in SCHOOL face things ranging from bullying, violent assault WITH A KNIFE and RAPE at rates of 34%, 10% and 18% respectively. These effects last a lifetime. And that's only Lesbian/Gay/Bi-sexual children.... I can only imagine what the numbers are for trans kids... Moonlight, an amazing movie, was a hard watch to say the least.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So here they are. The 5 most common arguments made by Anti-SSM (Gay Marriage) Campaigners. Other than the religious "God and Jesus would say no" (which I content too - did an interview on it on national radio actually. I'm at 6 minutes or so)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b>Argument #1 :<br />Where will it stop? Will I be able to marry my mother (no campaign slip spreader), my goat, children?</b></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">(concerningly, a family member who knows where farms are cited the goat argument)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The last 2 will never occur. It should be obvious but just to make it clear, why won't it? Because animals and children can't consent to relationships. It's why pedophilia and beastiality are crimes. Simple as that. Period. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The first won't either. Incest is a crime for a reason. You can produce offspring with an autosomal recessive disease at a 2-2.5x higher rate if you marry first cousins. Much higher for direct family. And also I think we've gotten enough exposure to that from Game of Thrones... eww.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Gay people can't help who they are and how they were born. Homosexuality is not only seen in nature, it was considered normal in many cultures til British colonialism and the spread of evangelicals who have since, in their mission to "save the world," (as this guy is trying to in his mind, I'm sure), created a society which puts homosexuals (and the 3-4% who identify as lgbtqi) at a 9x higher risk of suicide attempts and 21x higher risk of suffering serious mental health issues. The stats are much higher for some . </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm sorry if that seems like I'm offending you or attacking you for being you for saying this, but it's the truth. The minority have been facing what you have been just confronted with by more for centuries now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Personally I think religions do create more good than bad <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/08/is-god-real.html" target="_blank">I've written about that in the past.</a> (despite some catholic priests hypocritically coming out against SSM leading to pedophilia when low end estimates put<a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-07-14/church-body-says-4pc-of-clergy-have-been-paedophiles/5596540" target="_blank"> 4% of priests as pedophiles - 1/25</a>)... but that goes to the next argument.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Argument 2:<br /> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"How is equal marriage gonna fix that? How will it reduce these rates? How will it change expectations?"</span></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well. It won't. Not right away. The civil rights movement and the repealing the White Australia policy in my country, and suffrage hasn't eliminated systemic racism or sexism.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What giving them the same rights as anyone else does though is it removes their sub human status. When you're denied something that everyone else has, I'm sure you can understand how that can make you feel that way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But there are legal elements to marriage which people should have rights to that they aren't getting now.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For instance, a lesbian couple who'd lived their lives together, 30 years and been in a defacto arrangement (which supposedly gives them the same rights) had, at the end, not been allowed to be with one another as one died of cancer. The lady's parents did. And they had rights when it came to the will and distribution of assets too. Despite the couple working and living their whole lives together to make that happen. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Similar legal hurdles and beurocracy come into play for same sex couples even after they've gotten rights to adopt. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's why they march with such zest. It's why we march with them (straight people like myself, and even doctors - they had a supportive march recently in my city in fact). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Surely we can make that tiny little sacrifice of ignoring things that aren't even in our face for the benefit of 3 or 4% of the population. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Argument #3: </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">"But what about the effect it'll have on the children?"</span></h3>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Studies consistently show that children aren't negatively affected by same sex couples. If anything, they're positively impacted, with adolescents and children alike reporting not just feeling normaility, but displaying higher resiliance and many other positive traits. Gay parents seem to cherish this privilege more it could be argued it seems. This is a series of government funded, almost completely unbiased series of studies. Check em out yourself.</span><br />
<span style="color: #365899; cursor: pointer; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a data-ft="{"tn":"-U"}" data-lynx-mode="async" href="https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Faifs.gov.au%2Fcfca%2Fbibliography%2Fsame-sex-parents&h=ATNAjeFIPJ29sdQdBDrct_0eGra1MBd8oqz6XNLuuKEDlyrDHn_xbBZx9phCmZxo-BN9PMFjCl6xO1mJNEzn6r1L9DWKZx9E1wKLEBZJOTlmXe5ov9W1-S74nPsmH77L0n2PVvvFfMhU9YCBpz4_0TzhkCsfUj010PdiaMYEXPYmGTWhYM4Xe3koggmiX7jdPB0leaRQpS47js3_zmXkx2SjPKEoNPEYwwObctDbP318v_AbpKs9C4ARKgUq6KnvR9VEWaPb2sWT8fa6i5NzQMWn1Rwo7GL8RFox" rel="noopener" style="color: #365899; cursor: pointer;" target="_blank">https://aifs.gov.au/cfca/bibliography/same-sex-parents</a></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgerOFAORZoijLgZJZgVbjBJD65TK9eamQ8AnACKms2J5P7vCGfFiHY88Gm93m6ItZ1YYLdQZot-4VwhfzV3ZJWduAq9QaScwndzbjSZl5PIfGjEuYOvd5f1UFuEeMcKB27lpyStiFE-5Rn/s1600/smile.+check.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="346" data-original-width="568" height="194" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgerOFAORZoijLgZJZgVbjBJD65TK9eamQ8AnACKms2J5P7vCGfFiHY88Gm93m6ItZ1YYLdQZot-4VwhfzV3ZJWduAq9QaScwndzbjSZl5PIfGjEuYOvd5f1UFuEeMcKB27lpyStiFE-5Rn/s320/smile.+check.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i>Smile? Check.</i></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Argument #4</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"But what about the effects of normalising it, and the education that comes with that, on MY kids!"</span></span></h3>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, the safe schools program may seem daunting to you. But considering right now a huge chunk of kids are made to feel shit and physically, and sexually abused (18% OF LGB KIDS ARE RAPED!!! 10% STABBED WITH A KNIFE), it might be a good thing to have people more educated about how it is normal in general... If you're concerned, you may be more concerned by the idea that your child may be suffering all of this, and may be thinking of killing themselves without telling you because of your own views on this...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But education won't make your child more likely to be gay. Even if it does, you still have your own complete right as a parent to exert your own influence on them to try and influence them to (sometimes inadvertently torturing them emotionally in the process) follow your view and perception of life, without having to torture everyone elses' kids (which leads to their suffering and self harm) in the process. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The various arguments they make against education policies such as the Safe Schools program in their pamphlets and campaigns are misleading to say the least. Isolated incidents where 11 year olds are asked to wonder how it would be to be a same sex couple? A review took away such questions so early on. Parents having to fight huge court battles to get their children out of school in other nations where SSM was allowed? They forget to mention that parents in Canada always had the right to withdraw kids from the program. The ridiculous claim that a parent's son was made to wear a dress by school? It never happened. </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivmWQdp0kjsP-A9VNC_kVC0T5_Fi-MchFRHN6eo8aBn9DR6r2UNBdvNkiDsfQSjNgqqfVieFhVwox40cwV2EtuhSlnZ14UtKkjnP_C4ghMbvsAbTHchDbbAuLoEuIyeBYCe1qOy_7X2vlR/s1600/ridiculous.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="394" data-original-width="700" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivmWQdp0kjsP-A9VNC_kVC0T5_Fi-MchFRHN6eo8aBn9DR6r2UNBdvNkiDsfQSjNgqqfVieFhVwox40cwV2EtuhSlnZ14UtKkjnP_C4ghMbvsAbTHchDbbAuLoEuIyeBYCe1qOy_7X2vlR/s320/ridiculous.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/programs/hack/fact-check-of-same-sex-marriage-survey-no-campaign-ad/8856496" style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; text-align: left;" target="_blank">A great article debunking the myths of the No Campaigns' ad</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; text-align: left;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; text-align: left;">Unfortunately though, fake news is fake news.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Argument #5 </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"But telling kids it's okay to be boys or girls is gonna lead to them wanting to be one or the other, that's screwed up right?"</span></span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There's a common misconception held by many that being transgender means you have a pyschological disorder... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">While not conforming to gender norms does cause distress in many, being transgender itself is definitely not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What causes gender dysphoria - the condition of being severely distressed by not fitting to gender roles - is <i>the expectation held by society to match their standards</i>. It's caused by many things... personal experiences and abuse at the hands of others (which happens at staggeringly high rates as you'll see below), peoples' responses to those of those who've taken steps to come out, the constant fear of people turning their nose ups or thinking they're weird. Us. Me in the past... I found it weird. It's confronting when you've come from a different background where you've never been exposed to it before.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But even with a background of people who'd traditionally disapproved of such things, I can still see them as just ordinary people. I never have and never would mock them. I can still respect their right to do what they want and wear what they want if it didn't hurt anyone. I empathized with them not just for the fact that 40% (FORTY PERCENT, WTF! In some nations and studies, SIXTY FIVE PERCENT is the number!) have attempted suicide, but because of how hard it must be to be likely ostracized and judged by so many. For again, things they can't control - g<a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_transsexuality" target="_blank">enetics, a misbalancing of hormones as a result of congenital defects, and various other factors.</a> I've faced enough of that through my battle with cancer... It sucks. </span></div>
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<span style="color: #1d2129;">http://celiasandaniels.blogspot.com.au/2015/11/transgender-awareness.html</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But yeah, as we were chatting, the No campaigner and I, someone pretty much charged and stared down the gentleman. That didn't really help. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was feeling that frustration myself. You can't help but let it out sometimes. And you should. Echo chambers are great places to do so I guess.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But don't let the majority, often oppressors or fascists/racists ('cause this applies to them too), play the victim. I make the parallel here not to say those who vote no are in the same camp, but because similar patterns of portrayals are seen in how they're being covered by the media, which only hurts the case for peace and love. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Equal coverage is given to "the militant left" Who weild banners at most to the far right (let's call them what they are) extremists who have hammers, guns and cars (all stuff that's gone on in the States and here). Let's not let them get the upper hand, and avoid that wherever we can.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Here's a great video that explains Alt-Right tactics. Tactics being used by No Campaigners, and how we've gotta counter that.</span><br />
<a data-ft="{"tn":"-U"}" data-lynx-mode="async" data-lynx-uri="https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DSVOuY7hoqEs&h=ATMo7U3d86JMa80Uqast8jgkug5k-hTBFNZwUySPLMg1JD2_QYc83dNPHt8wpA1KtJ6zcay5Wu0br8H-_2Qzah7s2_hXOAFawlzsnwQGYmCNc2T292S2qFE412H9u4S92qxuwfUf3nAlQLRnnrlu28DInpTVCDw3-_f8jZaOJm9zfKir3L2cpfwX4e1L9t-33AN4XCcN7FUF_RaGWzzl533FGTjx0HX0rcbcR_jxLE7go5GMO2OGUj5UZwAWA0z82B2k87t2hYtO5TefIkjTcSi9pB7YLRIWn03d" href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVOuY7hoqEs" rel="noopener" style="color: #365899; cursor: pointer;" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So what are your thoughts? Are there any arguments I missed? Let me know! And share this if you agree. Let's get some REAL news out there. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And by the way - if you wanna know more about me, I highly recommend you check out some of my other posts. I hope my first one in particular can inspire some of you. Whether you're dealing with something crap like I did (getting told you had a 10 or 20% chance of living 5 years at 17 ain't easy), or if you need motivation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And also follow me here, and on Social Media (<a href="http://facebook.com/musingsofamedstudentpatient" target="_blank">Facebook link</a>, Twitter Link, <a href="http://youtube.com/nikhilautar" target="_blank">YouTube</a> for my talks) to follow some pretty cool work I'm doing that could make millions for charity, including designing a hospital bed that costs half as much for hospitals, will save lives, can be deployed to the poorest nations, and features a chunk which can make even YOUR life more comfortable, for under $100 (<a href="http://www.gettosleepeasy.org/" target="_blank">www.gettosleepeasy.org for more info</a>), and a company that is going to make millions off of memes (incredible, I know). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Resources (other than those linked in the article): </span><br />
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Rosenstreich, G., LGBTI people health and suicide, revised second edition, National LGBtI Health Alliance, 2013</div>
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Grant, J. M., Mottet, L. A., Tanis, J., Harrison, J., Herman, J. L., & Keisling, M. (2011). Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey. Washington: National Center for Transgender Equality and National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. <a data-ft="{"tn":"-U"}" data-lynx-mode="async" href="https://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thetaskforce.org%2Fstatic_html%2Fdownloads%2Freports%2Freports%2Fntds_full.pdf&h=ATMkQ2QbLRevIjeImMjk2_8DFpoKtWqNiF0SzBT_Yy2iyL4JKppZg9lqyuAHD0O6XHyGm6zEP826HT_vqXDvtSdPkjkrqNp7NBTYqhhCspalWnQbN45LTDKOakQiIFjEiBEHi_mgLkHtLzXnkmvfRCrpYSwa7ghNb1gJ-Hoq7JPfkf7uOEmJ6OlZNNXWD5_t8cxQvzEwwRk9KfMTK-TCGs83KczYQE230b0n2zELR3SIY5q_tdLaSqT7PkJ44xgkq3VtPEvqngImKlK8UmKG7Y5BA37kvBLLwaaDIFsF0uavXic" rel="noopener" style="color: #365899; cursor: pointer; font-family: inherit; text-decoration-line: none;" target="_blank">http://www.thetaskforce.org/…/downloads/reports/reports/ntd…</a></div>
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Russell ST, Ryan C, Toomey RB, Diaz RM, Sanchez J. Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender adolescent school victimization: implications for young adult health and adjustment. Journal of School Health. 2011;81(5):223-30.</div>
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CDC Sexual Identity, Sex of Sexual Contacts, and Health-Related Behaviors Among Students in Grades 9-12 – United States and Selected Sites, 2015 MMWR 2015;65(SS-9).</div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-42955379818699111832017-06-29T14:37:00.000+10:002017-09-17T13:49:51.300+10:00The Truth About Medicine... Most People In It Think It Sucks. But There Are Ways We Can Fix This. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2017/06/depression-is-worse-than-cancer-how-im.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The day I got into medicine, was the greatest day of my life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm sure many medical students and doctors would tell you the exact same thing...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'd always wanted to study medicine. "What better job was there?" I thought. You could save lives and live in relative comfort your entire life. I'd get to emulate my childhood hero growing up, Captain Hawkeye Pierce from M.A.S.H. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But after leukaemia struck my life... it became personal. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I wanted to help people as I'd been helped. It was my doctor's words; that "The Good News Is You're 17 and You Have Leukaemia, but the Bad News is You're 17, And You Have Leukaemia..." and his actions that got me to believe that I actually had a chance in this... It was another patients' words the day before my transplant that really sunk in, and changed my life. Imagine being in a position to do that for people everyday!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My first day in medicine was one of the most joyful of my life. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was so excited to finally be in a position to give back, and so delighted to be alongside so many other people who cared just as me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">But as time went on... things changed. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For me, and for many of my classmates too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As I progressed through the course, I got more and more burdened with work, and more and more indoctrinated (pardon the pun) into the collective Group-Think of modern medicine. One which emphasised speed over accuracy, marks over competence. One which measured success through KPIs such as reduced wait times and greater efficiency rather than reduced morbility and morbidity, and higher patient satisfaction and involvement. As everyone in this profession does. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Doctors have one of the <a href="http://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2474424" target="_blank">highest rates of depression of any profession.</a> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/01/06/top-11-professions-with-highest-suicide-rates/" target="_blank">They are highest in suicide. </a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/843758" target="_blank">They have the highest rates of alcoholism too. </a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/2589340" target="_blank">1/4 medical students are majorly depressed, and more than 1/10 will think about suicide in any given year. </a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And this in a population who are <i>most educated</i> about mental illness, and the fact that they are illnesses, not just an abstract constructs or "excuses," as many still widely suggest and believe. Somehow still, amongst those with depression or severe symptoms of depression, <a href="http://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/article-abstract/2589340" target="_blank">only 15% of medical students actually get help</a>... For doctors...<a href="http://careers.bmj.com/careers/advice/view-article.html?id=20015402" target="_blank"> the rates are even lower</a>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Why is this happening though? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Aren't these people being paid heaps? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Don't they know the risks of the disease, and how altered biochemistry can alter your very mental state - your very person? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, there are many reasons why. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://careers.bmj.com/careers/advice/view-article.html?id=20015402" target="_blank">This article gives great explanations as to why. </a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Various personality traits and attitudes make doctors more likely to suffer from depression. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Perfectionists, narcicists, compulsiveness, martryism, and disparaging views of vulnerability are all commonplace. <a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2082912/" target="_blank">Facing death, watching good people suffer, and losing the battle over and over again</a> also burdens doctors. <a href="https://medium.com/@happidoc/doctor-heal-thyself-doctors-burnout-31ecdc330bec" target="_blank">Burnout from stress affects 45% of doctors</a>, ladies and senior physicians in particular. And <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/05/opinion/why-do-doctors-commit-suicide.html" target="_blank">as this article puts so poignantly</a>, Osler, the founder of the first American residency program, advocating for steadiness in physicians, was perhaps the largest contributor to all this... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Many doctors feel that showing weakness is a failure on their part. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If they're not steady under pressure, how can they serve their patients? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And that can be a tough burden to bear...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">400 doctors take their own lives in America alone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">An entire medical school's worth...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Junior doctors and medical students have similarly sky-high rates of depression and suicide ideation (the 10% figure is a conservative estimate; studies in my nation show , but have the added pressure of exams and the weight of expectations on their shoulders too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Furthermore, <a href="https://bmcmededuc.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12909-016-0841-8" target="_blank">other factors</a>, such as living on their own for the first time, often overseas for many students (where the added pressure of maintaining a steady income is another burden), high levels of student debt, and the sheer pressure of the course and succeeding itself plagues many students. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Many of my medical student and junior doctors friends complain about many of the above stresses. Many feel medicine takes over their lives. In a time where they should be out and enjoying their life, many students, as well as doctors, regret not enjoying life more. <a href="http://ideas.time.com/2013/07/02/the-epidemic-of-disillusioned-doctors/" target="_blank">And many feel disillusioned too</a>. They feel they were misled about what medicine actually was. About the impact they have. About the difference they make. So many of my friends express this in particular. <a href="http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/junior-doctor-suicides-at-least-20-lives-lost-due-to-enormous-pressure/news-story/62606951f02d37f6365f6f00e4f492c2" target="_blank">But the toxic, competitive hospital environment</a>, where specialty spots are limited, the medical heirachy is emphasised (<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/tarun-rahman/medical-school-toxic-culture_b_13533542.html" target="_blank">and perpetuated by older doctors in an "If I went through it, they should too" manner</a>) and </span><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2008-07-08/suicide-rate-much-higher-for-medical-students-amsa/2497690" style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;" target="_blank">bullying</a> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">is rife, also pushes many young meddies over the edge. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Very recently, in my country, Australia, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-04-13/doctor-suicides-prompt-calls-for-overhaul/8443842" target="_blank">3 junior doctors took their lives within one week</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">THREE. YOUNG. LIVES...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">With so much to look forward to.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In. One. Week. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">2 people I knew took their own life last year. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">1 was an old school mate of mine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What can we do about it then? I guess that's the question that remains. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, dealing with how doctors perceive themselves and mental illness is one step in the right direction. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Letting doctors be human</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This great TED Talk, one of the highest rated of all time I believe, discusses the expectation of doctor perfection, and how this counter-intuitively actually worsens patient outcomes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When doctors feel they have to be perfect, that their mistakes are their fault, a great burden is placed on their head. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's important to be competent, don't get me wrong. But this unreal expectation of perfection is what, as Brian Goldman points out here, is only harming doctors more. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We're not learning from it right now. There's no mandatory reporting of issues or near misses in hospitals. More recently, at a quality and safety lecture I attended, I learned there was one in our hospitals in my state in Australia, but that it was under-utilized, and something feared by doctors, as opposed to the learning tool it was intended to be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Something as simple as a place for doctors to confess mistakes, and seek sympathy from other doctors, could change the lives of hundreds of thousands of silently suffering, perfection seeking, burned out medicos. And it could improve patient outcomes too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Of course, it needs to be a done in a sensitive manner. Perhaps confidentially, with identification being made impossible. Though it's horrible that some die due to lapses in doctors' concentration, as pointed out in this article, <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/05/opinion/why-do-doctors-commit-suicide.html" target="_blank">overworked doctors, facing physical and emotional stress, are less competent ones</a>. Hundreds of thousands <a href="http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/05/03/476636183/death-certificates-undercount-toll-of-medical-errors" target="_blank">will die due to medical error this year alone - medical error is estimated to be the third highest killer</a> in the American medical system. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The numbers are alarming, to be sure. But not learning from mistakes, not making diagnostic/prescribing/treatment processes better, and not giving doctors a place to vent, and relax, is only going to increase this number if anything. </span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A great TED talk by a very interesting man - Atul Gawande (highly recommend his books on medicine and how to fix it), discussing a simple process which reduced mortality in surgeries by as much as 40% - a checklist. These little innovations and improvements are necessary to accomplish the end goal of saving more lives and reducing suffering! </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Coping with loss</span></i></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">But reducing medical error alone isn't the only way we can ease doctors' strife. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Loss is something many doctors have to face. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2082912/" target="_blank">And it's a big contributor to doctor and medical student dissatisfaction. </a></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I can only imagine how going to work everyday, knowing that you're going to witness suffering, pain and death can be soul-wrenching. I certainly do feel disillusioned when walking through wards and seeing the same story, of a seemingly nice person, suddenly finding their health deteriorating, and then, in most cases, never reaching their whole selves again...<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com/2014/01/dealing-with-loss-survivors-guilt.html" target="_blank"> Indeed, my first brush with depression was due to loss. </a></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But if there's one thing I wish I could tell all doctors... It's this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">You can ALWAYS make a difference in peoples' lives!</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">No matter what their position, no matter what their outcome.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The things I remember, and thank my doctors for aren't their medical decisions or prowess, but rather those times they went above and beyond the call to talk, treat and look after me. I'll never forget the first words of my doctors, the words that made me realise that I DID have a choice in how I viewed all this... The words that helped me resolve to, at the tender age of 17, focus on what I COULD control rather than the horrible things I couldn't - including death. I'll never forget the time one doctor decided to chill in my room while I was hallucinating and horribly weak. Having someone there to ground me made a huge difference. I'll never forget the letter he wrote to the medical board that's allowing me to live my dream today and<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com/2017/06/depression-is-worse-than-cancer-how-im.html" target="_blank"> I'll never forget the time I walked into my doctor's room instead of onto the railway tracks, </a>and I'll never forget the feeling I felt at that time - that I was being cared for. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I can never thank them enough for all of this. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And those things... they took nothing from them, mere moments if anything... and yet they've changed my life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And those small things... they could be done by anyone, at anytime too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And they mean the world to people. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have friends who've passed away from this disease whose families we stay in touch with. They say those little moments, the barbeque we threw and invited them to on a whim on Father's Day, the game of snakes and ladders we played while their father lay on a deathbed smiling, they're things they'll always remember.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It needn't be as large as this. A simple display of humanity in an experience lacking any could mean everything to someone. Something as small as a glass of water, a cheery face, or a hand to hold can and does change lives.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">They needn't be done only by doctors too... My nurses were the people I was closest too in hospital. They, the receptionists and my social workers have been rocks in torrid waters for me countless times. The words Patch Adams, the world's most famous clown doctor said to me once rings true to this day - "Do you stop being a doctor once you leave the hospital?" Are good deeds and gestures limited to medical personnel? Could similar gestures on the outside help people just as much as in hospital?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All of this goes to show that no matter who you are you MUST take every opportunity to try and spread this cheer in the world. It's what makes all of this worthwhile. It's what makes your job a profession. It's why most of us got into this in the first place.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">But this isn't the only solution.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">It's just a job.</span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This great article goes into another way of dealing with burnout and dissatisfaction -<a href="http://www.news.com.au/finance/work/at-work/these-four-words-that-may-offend-you-may-also-just-save-you/news-story/4ab0a8c59dbcf3aba5efe2037a920cfd" target="_blank"> dissociating from it all and realising it's just a job.</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's an idea that's frowned upon, to say the least, by most medicos. The idea that we do this to help others underlies everything we do. The Hippocratic Oath we take precludes such apathy and nonchalance. But as Dr Profeta argues, this approach leads to a near zero burnout rate in ED, which usually has attrition rates upwards of 50%. Sure, smiling and nodding when required helps, but it's not necessarily helpful in the big picture.When Profeta's son was diagnosed with leukaemia, he dropped everything, and even left his post in ED, to be there for him. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Perhaps this is the best way to deal with it for some.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's not easy to be there for people all the time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It may well be the best way to deal with it overall... In a job where you have to face human suffering every single day, taking a step back may be the only way to cope.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But at the same time, beneath it all, we are all human. We can't help but care. And I'm sure Profeta himself would agree, when his son went through his ordeal, he would have been spared much suffering if he had a caring, empathetic doctor. One who would keep him company, talk to him at his lowest, and inspire him to keep going even when times were tough. One I was lucky enough to get myself. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sure, there are other things we can do. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Learning to take breaks, and fostering healthy habits are other great measures we need to take. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Talking about it openly, and sharing stories is one great measure that's already making waves. Top down changes and the acknowledgement of there being an issue is another. Australia's AMA is seeking to further this, and has also taken further steps to increasing dialogue between doctors and medical students to fix the toxic culture. One of the most important things, I believe, is to get students to ask eachother, "R U OK?" 3 simple words that have and will always save lives. If people can look out for eachother, and be frank about their shortcomings, perhaps then we'll have less doctors and future doctors suffer. </span><br />
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<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="524" scrolling="no" src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/post.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Famsamhc%2Fposts%2F1177621825645871%3A0&width=500" style="border-style: none; border-width: initial; overflow: hidden;" width="500"></iframe><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span></div>
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<i>One of many amazing stories shared on the Australian Medical Student's Association's Facebook page seeking to break down the stigma around mental health and get at risk students the help they need. I took part in this campaign too. My one's at the bottom. </i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But whatever the measures, it's clear that something needs to be done. That talk needs to become action and that the most isolated among us need to be heard.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I for one am trying to do my part. I hope you do yours too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And for those thinking of doing medicine - I hope this doesn't scare you too much. </span><br />
It is an amazing profession - one where you can make an impact every single day of your life.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">It is tough. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">It is grueling. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">But it's so worth it too. </span></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-91756764843534936032017-06-22T18:29:00.002+10:002017-10-10T12:57:13.702+11:00Depression is Worse Than Cancer. How I'm Finally Beating It. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com/2017/02/how-not-to-be-shit-doctor-1-never.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2017/10/the-5-most-common-arguments-used-by.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So. A lot of you know, I've been pretty down recently. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Cancer's tough, I'm sure you can appreciate that. I did for
sure before starting treatment. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">But that fear, by acknowledging it, I somehowturned it into a positive.</a>.. It meant I wasn't kidding myself. That when the
tough things came, which I knew they would, I wouldn't break, but rather look
at why they were doing this to me - to get me better. It'd allow me to be
human, cry, grimace, scream in frustration and pain when I needed to. Break
down a few times. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEAQ6HjuF5s" target="_blank">But in the end... it left me only one way to go. Up. A talk I did on this topic</a> - click here to see that!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The thing I couldn't forsee though was how tough life after
cancer would be. Chronic graft versus host disease is what I have; the upshot
of having someone else's immune cells in you to attack the cancer was that
they'd also attack you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've got one of the worst cases you can have of it without
being terminal. But the major thing that gets me still, even to this day, is
the cramps. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">They strike at anytime, but happen pretty much everyday, and
over time, they've only gotten worse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There wasn't a night where I wouldn't scream a few months
ago. I still do at times. I often can't do something as simple as rolling
around in bed without every muscle in my body - from my calves to my forearms
and chest, to even my jaw, neck and forehead - firing all at once. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<i>The stories are true. When I cramp, I do turn into a middle aged white dude.</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I lived my life one cost benefit analysis at a time. Was it
worth getting up to going out to catch up friends if it'd leave me screaming
for days afterwards? Was worth it to get that glass of water even though my
throat was parched, if it’d induce a round of cramps? Was it worth it to get up
and pee, or should I just scream and wake my parents and brother up to bring me
the pee bottle when I was busting at 2am? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/a-great-surprise-from-great-friends.html" target="_blank">That was my life. </a>It has been for the last 2, well, now I
think about it, nearly 3 years. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But something I didn't notice at the time, despite all the
writing I've done about it, despite me telling everyone else to go out and get
help for it, despite all the talks I've given and people I've talked to, was
that I was going through depression too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's hard to recognise it. I'd been through it before...<a href="https://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com/search/label/Dealing%20With%20Loss?m=0" target="_blank">When I lost a friend to a similar disease, a man who left a baby girl, wife,and devastated brother and parents behind to something I'd beat.</a> I couldn't see
a point to all this. All I did was scroll down Facebook, watch YouTube videos,
unfeeling, unwilling to even move out of bed for weeks, months on end. I did
get through it... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What helped was something I didn't realise I needed to do at
the time, talking about it, with Dad. And eventually, I did realise I was going
through something and found a way to give myself purpose again. To honour and
respect my friend, John's, memory, by doing what HE would have wanted for me
anyway - being as happy and successful as possible. And working as hard as I
could so others wouldn't suffer and John and his family did. In any way
possible.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I did all that... I'd felt the same feelings, but even then,
I didn't notice what I was going through 'til one night, when trying medical
marijuana funnily enough, I realised that I hadn't laughed, or smiled, or felt
comforted in a while. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I hadn't. I really really handn't. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<i>Actual images of me in a down spell. It's true.. I do become whiter when I'm depressed. </i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The cramps, the pain I was feeling was affecting me, I know
now, moulding me, shaping me, into a person living in fear, and without hope
for a future, or even a night without pain. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was living in a fog. One that'd slow my mind down. Making
it difficult to concentrate, or muster up the courage to even get out of a
chair, yet alone think about my research, play a game of poker, or go out with
friends. Combined with cramps that would contort my hands into the semblance of
a still spider, and leave typing out study for the toughest year of medicine
and looking through articles a near impossibility that I had to make possible,
One. Awkward. Finger. At a time... I felt I was stuck. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com/2017/02/how-not-to-be-shit-doctor-1-never.html" target="_blank">My doctor didn't make it easier. She, possibly out offrustration at my constant "pestering" of wanting more than await-and-see, maximising conformity whilst minimising comfort and reliefapproach</a>, told me at one point that there's not just nothing they could do for
my situation, but that there never would be. That research into a non-specific
symptom like cramps will never happen. That she thought I'd eventually require
an intense, risky procedure for my disease, one that showed marginal benefit in
me and one that took away my left eye. That my suffering would never end. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">She'd prematurely confirmed what I was already prone to
feeling in my mind - that I was doomed to a half-life, filled with struggle,
pain, failure and eventually death. Without once referring me to a pain doctor,
or a rheumatologist, or immunologist or ANYONE for a second opinion. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'd looked up everything in Graft-Versus-Host-Disease and
cramps myself. I knew that there wasn't much out there… <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But her words were the nail in my coffin.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Confirmation of what I was thinking in my mind. Fuel for
what I was already feeling, what many do... that death would be much easier
than living. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'd made plans. I fantasised about it at the peaks of my
pain. That an end around the corner was in sight.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><u><b>JUST THINK ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND. <o:p></o:p></b></u></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How sad do you have to be to feel that?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It isn’t just me who’s felt this though. Many who are
depressed, anxious, or going through tough times do. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Imagine living that way for a year... Or for your whole life..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="true" allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="315" scrolling="no" src="https://www.facebook.com/plugins/video.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fnikhil.autar%2Fvideos%2F10207293209523620%2F&show_text=0&width=560" style="border: none; overflow: hidden;" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>A talk I did, on the 5 Biggest Myths about Depression. </i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now think about this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm a man who, at the age of 17, when told he had a 10-20%
chance of SURVIVING 6 years ago, managed to find a second way of looking at
things - an attitude that would lead to me fishing for sharks AFTER MY FIRST,
MOST INTENSE CHEMO, that would help me smile even in the depths of hell itself.
I’ve accomplished so many things… I've completed a 200km bike ride 2 months
after 15 rounds of maintainence chemo, I’ve flown off to Vegas to win tens of thousands
for myself, and thousands for charity, against the best poker players in the
world, but most importantly, I’m a man who found something to smile about TEN
MINUTES AFTER BEING TOLD I'D RELAPSED, AND THAT PERHAPS PALLIATIVE CARE WAS ONE
OF THE BEST OPTIONS TO TAKE... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>And yet I still couldn't outthink depression...<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I tried to. Many times. I applied my own thought process - I
took a step back and fought off my doubts and fears one at a time. I told
myself that "when I was in pain, just relax, and take it easy," that
"It's only temporary, and that in the big picture, it's well worth it for
the things I enjoyed." that I should "Watch Tom n Jerry and just
chillax for a little bit." Anything, and everything, to pull myself out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But when the pain came... when that fog struck... when my
hopes of a good day, or just a break from it all would get dashed... all those
self-assurances, all those strategies would fly out the window, and I'd be
brought back into hell.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi38K-Abpu1YKrM_LlWWKkcU9Og65J_hxFZm5DkyfIHGV75FjzUabzba44-M74Rak2wbmsfAmS6HFKpr4i19lQSkwHhyphenhyphenbsGQdxBOe-7m1TPJ_KA-eF-f7iu2JwOk-OVWQjl1QIGKSENGPX5/s1600/it+really+is+this+bad.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="253" data-original-width="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi38K-Abpu1YKrM_LlWWKkcU9Og65J_hxFZm5DkyfIHGV75FjzUabzba44-M74Rak2wbmsfAmS6HFKpr4i19lQSkwHhyphenhyphenbsGQdxBOe-7m1TPJ_KA-eF-f7iu2JwOk-OVWQjl1QIGKSENGPX5/s1600/it+really+is+this+bad.jpg" /></a></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>An accurate depiction of how this feels. <a href="http://www.boredpanda.com/depression-through-art/" target="_blank">An amazing article/page displaying portraits of how people represent their depression. Highly Recommended viewing!</a></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I say this to assure you, that it's not something you can
just outthink sometimes. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I say this to show that you can and should get help, for yourself
or someone who you love. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I say this because you do deserve a way to get through this.
A way to deal with depression.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I say this because, as I’m so glad to announce... I recently
found one. <o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For so long I suffered, silently. I didn’t even recognise
that that fog, and my pain, was worsened by depression… And I’m someone who
writes about it, has looked deeply into the hows and whys as it all, I’m
someone who’d been through it before, and lifted others out it too. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The first step I took to get there came at a critical
juncture. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was at the lab one day, just a few months ago, pushing my
body as hard as I could to get through the day’s work. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It was Friday. And I planned to reward myself, by going to a
poker game in the city, one I’d been preparing for, for some time now. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But Dad was running late. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/losing-independence-and-feeling-like.html" target="_blank">Time was ticking down, and my body
was in severe pain. <o:p></o:p></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/losing-independence-and-feeling-like.html" target="_blank">And all those feelings, all those dark thoughts came rushingback. </a><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I didn’t wanna keep going. I hated this. The pain. The
dependence. The lack of ability to even move at night without more pain. And I
seriously thought about lying down on the train tracks and ending it. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But as I left the Ingham Institute, I saw the cancer clinic
I’d gone to for a long time, a part of Liverpool Hospital. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remembered my first doctor. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">The words he said to me at thestart.</a> How he’d saved me before. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I went to him. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And thank God he was there. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He sat down with me for a bit. We talked. He asked, “Are you
just over it?” And I couldn’t help but break down in his arms and say, “Yes.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He got me to go to emergency. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I’d asked, and been referred to see a psychologist weeks
ago, but the referral papers hadn’t been sent by the receptionist yet. I’m sure
people have died waiting for that red tape to be cut. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He made sure I saw one straight away. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And after talking to one, they suggested that I wasn’t in
immediate danger, and I wasn’t despondent or anything. But they suggested putting me an
SSRI (an antidepressant) while I waited to see a psychiatrist at length.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I pulled out my phone,<a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CN_q24s5wPN8895quertezixRce8RYStmKMCf6mQmkE/edit" target="_blank"> looked up those treatments I’d founddespite my doctors’ insistence that I wasn’t going to be helped,</a> and found one
that helped in a similar disorder to mine – fibromyalgia. I asked her if she
could prescribe that instead. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Its name is duloxetine. After day 2 of taking it… My pain
reduced significantly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I’m talking 90% significantly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The cramps were still there, and they were still
debilitating, but they didn’t impact me as much anymore. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And most importantly, that fog lifted. And I realised,
looking back, just how down in the dumps I was. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9tETpMSNygji6rN7PQkspNZusHXkVF1xvVzwfIyAf-kGTE0Xxn3GiR_9mRl_EJL_gE8sHAxRK6Du4o6HjYK81Ko0ff2h1YS1tWbfh6yhqjwjo_PX5o5acRywZ0qtxodkD-Ug3ZJT4ijZL/s1600/highe+dose+duloxetine+%253D+more+effective.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9tETpMSNygji6rN7PQkspNZusHXkVF1xvVzwfIyAf-kGTE0Xxn3GiR_9mRl_EJL_gE8sHAxRK6Du4o6HjYK81Ko0ff2h1YS1tWbfh6yhqjwjo_PX5o5acRywZ0qtxodkD-Ug3ZJT4ijZL/s320/highe+dose+duloxetine+%253D+more+effective.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CN_q24s5wPN8895quertezixRce8RYStmKMCf6mQmkE/edit" target="_blank">The proof behind the pudding. See that document I wrote up for more info if you think you're suffering from cramps. It's only general knowledge, and not intended as advice. But do discuss these options with your doctor. I'll let you know if one works. </a></i></span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But just as important as my medications was me talking about
it to someone. A pretty cool psychiatrist, one who’s been in the business for
decades, one who has similar aches and pains as me, and one who gives remarkably
sound advice for how to deal with situations. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But the most important thing I did was, when I started
feeling bad - even though I found something that reduced my pain, the pain was
still bad sometimes - I started writing
down what would get me back up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Before I got help, I would reflect on myself, and try to
give myself advice for getting out of there. But not only are you more
affected, more “triggered” by words, and events (I know some of you may scoff
at my using this word, but you really are less “able” to control your emotions
when you’re down) when you’re down, you also forget not just what things, or
thought processes would get you back up, but how feeling up even feels like. You
feel trapped. Or else, your mind makes you comfortable at this low level. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Me writing down, in a short, bullet-point format (as opposed
to these chunky blogs), in a place I could always go – Google Documents –
allowed me to remember all the advice people, and I myself had given to get
through rough patches. <a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/16alZ1aiJC01iV_vPFcuPhCs-ltEhDLZUpn0FKPD9-YY/edit" target="_blank">Here it is if you wanna do it on your own - feel free to copy some bits (though I highly recommend seeing someone you can feel obligated to listen to and fulfil these goals to add some positive pressure and professional opinions into your own case!)</a><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have it organised under various headings. For instance – I’ll
have a heading, “How to bust out of down spells” and actions to take to help do
just that. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Under that, I’ll link a YouTube playlist of songs I have
that fill my body with drive. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/paWIfLD4S2o?list=PL3N1qrguiX2WAV7wa3VmptsbnseYi_wQ1" width="560"></iframe>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Watch out. Pumping up is very likely. Use at your own discretion</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>. </i></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I’ll remind myself, that though there’s pain in starting to
exercise, or even getting out of bed, I feel SOOO much better about myself
after I complete a workout… I cramp so much less once I start moving a bit. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Under another heading, “Anxiety”, I’ll have tips of things
that could distract me when I simply can’t fall asleep. I’ll have distractions –
Tom n Jerry, I remember once, when I was having a panic attack, when my mind
couldn’t stop thinking about anything and everything – that silly, cathartic,
simple show slowed my mind down. It made me laugh. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I’ll also remind myself to stop catostrophising,” a buzzword
my psychiatrist mentioned recently, which pinpoints exactly what I’d do when
facing a health crisis. Though I’ve had bad experiences with doctors recently,
and though researching my own disease has helped me when doctors have all but
given up twice, the doctors in emergency do know what to do when someone has
seratonergic syndrome. They can diagnose and treat infections. There are still
many, many great doctors out there, for all eh ones in between. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I also remind myself to be human. When going through
anxiety, being told to “Just stop worrying,” or to “Just go to sleep,” is often
more frustrating than helpful. What’s really needed is a huge and comfort, as
this puts perfectly. But in tackling the root fears beneath my anxiety, my
fears that my disease is impacting my mind, my mistrust of doctors and fear
about my own worries – I knew how to deal with it. I’d done it for some social
anxiety I had before. I knew I could get there, but that it’d just take time to
become the “old me” who could let things go. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The document is here – for you guys to view and perhaps
construct yourself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It’s still under construction. It always will be. We can
always improve. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Interesting to note, these are all things I’ve written and
advised you guys, my readers, to do before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But just as important as that, for me, was making sure that
I could recognise the signs myself, and give myself a cue to get to this document.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">To do that, I decided to conduct some self-CBT – cognitive behavioural
therapy; the art of using physical cues to help people use refined thought
process to tackle mental illnesses. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I found a symbol of me – and I carry it around with me all
the time now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A shark tooth. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqg_gkB1LgGyLIIeogt3b4b88eP1ghEK7AJ8DRU7KgZ0kdTrhtBtJc39GJOLprG9fWt_ZP7r_O3ZbHPp-ZpIu_LAQWZywTqBx99Z9ncno5RYZeX9hC3myIu87eX25qyDZ1pTg4MW9NqkdB/s1600/photo+of+my+chest.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="428" data-original-width="570" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqg_gkB1LgGyLIIeogt3b4b88eP1ghEK7AJ8DRU7KgZ0kdTrhtBtJc39GJOLprG9fWt_ZP7r_O3ZbHPp-ZpIu_LAQWZywTqBx99Z9ncno5RYZeX9hC3myIu87eX25qyDZ1pTg4MW9NqkdB/s320/photo+of+my+chest.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>an actual, 100% legit picture of my chest. Taken from: </i><span style="text-align: left;"><i>https://www.etsy.com/listing/235077778/mens-cross-necklacemens?ref=pla_similar_listing_top-5</i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Not only is it a physical cue that’ll prompt me to go back
to that document when I can’t get out, not only does it look cool – it also
takes me back to some amazing times I’ve had in my life. The primal joy of
pulling up my first shark while fishing. The feeling of contentment after
emerging victorious in a large poker tournament I played last year (a shark is
a good player in poker). Whenever I grasp it, I can’t help but smile. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And together, with me regularly seeing someone, and along
with some medication, I’ve been able to get myself to a place where I can truly
say, “I’m happy,” much more often. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As I, and you deserve to.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You, reading on, or your loved ones, or patients, or
friends, may not need those medications. In fact, we as a society are probably over
medicated. Low grade depression is more effectively treated through psychotherapy,
talking about it, and it comes with lower side effects too. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcpXQ7Y9m82GKVwg3tTwkVgKFxn_S8DPXK_Yf_jqfPn4VzOhYNTOw-s7JBj2Wop2UDwtNCIqD54B4GEWCSB_5jr3iq4qyeLrOG6vI1pcI8uuMyZDZfdenuGxvI-mlz3-u_0D4r1AHdg6ub/s1600/wow+depresion+influenced+by+studies.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="331" data-original-width="382" height="277" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcpXQ7Y9m82GKVwg3tTwkVgKFxn_S8DPXK_Yf_jqfPn4VzOhYNTOw-s7JBj2Wop2UDwtNCIqD54B4GEWCSB_5jr3iq4qyeLrOG6vI1pcI8uuMyZDZfdenuGxvI-mlz3-u_0D4r1AHdg6ub/s320/wow+depresion+influenced+by+studies.gif" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Unfortunately, those who do need the meds, are those least
likely to be on them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It’s hard to pull yourself up when you’ve been down for so
long that it’s your whole life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But believe me – by giving yourself someone to talk to, and
by using a system, similar or dissimilar to mine – you CAN get there. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I hope this helps you do that. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Feel free to message me with any questions or anything
really in regards to this. I’m always here to help. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">nikhilthegrizzlybear@gmail.com<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-34667067357764401502017-02-07T17:57:00.001+11:002017-06-16T23:41:44.347+10:00I'd Lost All Hope. Here's How I found It Again.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/ive-gone-vegan.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: center;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/how-not-to-be-shit-doctor-1-never.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; text-align: center;" target="_blank">Next One</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know I've said this a lot, but last year was hell. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I embarked on the hardest year of med school with an already debilitating side effect - the cramps. What did I expect? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I didn't bank on that last one, the cramps, getting even worse... I didn't think it could. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But it did. Spectacularly too. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I started off the year a little worse for wear already. A<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html">ugust 2015 marked a third</a>, new tumour popping up in my ribs and September meant a month's worth of this chemo drug. The cramps were already killing me. Not a day went by where I wouldn't be hunched over at night after getting up to get something from downstairs or go to the bathroom. Not a day went by when I wasn't woken up in pain. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But though it was already extensive too, affecting my legs, arms, chest, abs and back... In 2016, they not only got more intense and more common, they also spread to my neck, my jaw, even my cheeks. They affect my breathing, my talking and my eating now, and often too. I couldn't type, nor concentrate, nor even keep my eyes open as I studied and got through the year. I spent every night of the last few months in particular not moving from my chair or desk, asking for a bottle to brought to me when I needed to pee, in fear of the pain igniting. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />But what crushed me even more than all that was another change. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My doctor. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Old age affects even the nicest men. But I'd had doctors fill in in my care before, so when Dr D, the man who'd taken care of me during my transplants and who'd secured the experimental drug that's kept me alive, left, I felt I was in good hands. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's not to say his replacement was incompetent. She knew her stuff, she must have to have made consultant. But it was her manner that left me desolate. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">See, no-one has much of a good idea of why cramps happen in graft versus host disease (GVHD), the side effect of the bone marrow transplants. All they know is that it happens in many patients, and probably more than what's represented in trials too. I've got a severe case, no doubt. But I do have the benefit of a bit of medical knowledge. So as I used to with Dr D and the other doctors who've looked after me, I brought up things that may have a chance of working in consults. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's not that she knocked them, or even a suggestion of them, all back that sucked, it was <i>how </i>she did it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I'd suggest something, it seemed like it was her mission to pull down any suggestion of them working. And it's not like they were random things I'd seen in a blog or on someone's Facebook Page either. They had scientific merit, with decent evidence considering the rarity of the disease behind them too. A few were suggested by doctors we'd gotten second opinions from. She often hadn't seen those papers. And this blockade wasn't just limited to the cramps too. When I had <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com/2016/07/cancer-patient-plays-well-and-wins-big.html" target="_blank">a crisis in my lungs</a>, to which I'd sent her <a href="https://respiratory-research.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12931-016-0380-1">a paper</a> (<a href="https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3987109/">multiple papers in fact)</a> of a harmless drug, often given to children for asthma, which could help me out, she dismissed them. It took me directing my respiratory doctor to <a href="https://respiratory-research.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12931-016-0380-1">Google the paper </a>in an appointment, which I'd emailed her months past, for the team to start me on it. My lung function improved promptly after.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This happened for months on end. And I only got worse and worse on the cramp front. And it culminated in an appointment late last year where she told me that there was nothing that would fix my cramps. That no-one could ever study it, as it was something hard to isolate a clear cause for, that no-one <i>would</i> ever study it. That there would <i>never </i>be a cure. That she suspected, and was fine with waiting for, even my entire GVH disease to progress to a point where I'd need a therapy again which is the most likely cause for one of my eyes going blind (the other eye nearly went while on it too).</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">She literally said that. In those words. For some reason, most likely to stop me from bringing up things over and over again, <i>she seemed obsessed with wanting me to know this.</i> (I'd understand, maybe, though not really, this is done with this crushing intensity obsessently and unnecerily by doctors, if I was terminal or something... this was just... unnecessary. That's for another blog post though...)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That in and of itself is enough to break someone. To make them wither away. To induce depression. I'd felt, the entire year, for the first time, that this disease had finally beaten me. That all my hopes, dreams and ambitions were gone. That I'd be dead by 30, and suffer All. The. Way. Down... losing friends as I faced year after year of setbacks, and as they moved on, over and over. Losing opportunities as I found myself unable to even find the spare energy to write out applications for thing that'd only take me 10 minutes when healthy. Losing myself. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I tried to find ways around it. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'd go back and <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">look at my own advice</a>, and take a step back and try to find ways to cope. I told myself that it would end in time, that I just had to wait it out, that this or that treatment I'd tried would take just a bit more time to work as my nerves healed. I forced myself to go to parties when I'd be gasping for air trying to get up so I could see friends outside classes and tutes. When I was in pain, or when I started to cramp at night, I'd give myself a break and not study at all - even in exam periods - so I wouldn't get frustrated over and over again as my fingers curled up and spasmed painfully. Sometimes I kept going just to show myself I could. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But irregardless of that, when I was left at night, and more and more often, during the daytime too, screaming, crying or speechless from pain that would constitute my entire existence, I'd be drawn inevitably back to the doom that was in my mind...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But there was another layer, another contributor to this too. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My family. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Those amazingly beautiful, angels amongst human beings who have been there for me in the hardest hours of my life... As I was told I was diagnosed. As I was devastated to the core again when I relapsed. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html" target="_blank">As I made trips in and out to ICUs</a>, as I struggled to cope with loss, as I tried, over and over again, to get back up on my feet after falling incessantly to the ground.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">T</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">hey were also responsible for the final nail in the coffin that was my existence. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">They believed I wasn't trying enough thing on the side - alternative medicines, herbal remedies - to help me break out of this condition. It had been a source of tension in my home for years. They'd find things from the weirdest corners of the internet and bring them to me, insisting I try them. I was happy to try things, as long as I knew they were safe, and as long as I had the energy.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've been on high doses of various vitamin supplements, and tried an oil specifically for the cramps. I've had a few homeopathic remedies, one of which left me slurring my speech for a few hours (the first signs of a reaction I'd had earlier that caused me to seize, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html">hallucinate and end up in ICU for a few day</a>s), things like wheat grass juice and soursop juice (which may well have exacerbated the peripheral neuropathy that underlies my cramps) too. I've gone vegetarian for a month in the past, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/ive-gone-vegan.html">I'm vegan as we spea</a>k, I'd given up sugar for a bit after my second transplant. I take tumeric pills daily, and vitamin E and B supplements still. I wanted, after all this, with every man and his dog having a suggestion as to what'll fix meI'd put some faith in some of these and been let down, but that wasn't what was killing me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It was the fighting about it.</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All of last year, they insisted I wasn't doing enough to get better. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">They kept telling me to find a way out. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And having finally succumbed to my <i>doctor's</i> insistence, and after my thorough searching through the literature and finding a grand total of less than 10 articles mentioning it as a symptom and only 1 describing it alone, I believed there wasn't. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><b>But to have to say... to have to say it to them... </b></i>I can't begin to describe how much that decimated me. How much it sapped at my existence, my drive. How thoroughly it convinced my very self that I was doomed to a half life... one no-one would wish on others, one that made no sense to continue wanting to live... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I was like that for over a year...</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><u>But a few weeks ago, I'd just had enough. </u></b></span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I hated that feeling. Of hating myself. Of the cloud of doom that shrouded me constantly, or lingered in the shadows by my side. Of the pain too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And in my desperation, I thought up anything, everything that I could do. 'Til that moment, the strategies I'd set <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">when I took that step back and examined all my options - the thing that got me through the chemos</a> - were all designed to cope. They all had this underlying assumption of a cramp coming on to be wary of. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So I thought about what I'd done in the past. </span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And of all the things I'd had to deal with, the way I combated my relapse shot out at me as the solution. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I did relapse after my first bone marrow transplant, and was told I had a less than 10% chance of survival, I decided, in addition to getting my head around the likelihood of death, in addition to deciding I'd take every opportunity to choose to be happy, to go out and put my year of medical training to find anything and <i>everything</i> that could help me out in this, that could improve my odds. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It was the only option that made sense, when I took a step back and looked at my predicament...</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Despite the even lower chance of survival, I decided to look at that thing I had on my side in this struggle as a weapon. The something I didn't have at 17, the medical training I talked about - gave me another dimension of hope and self-belief for when I found something that I knew was out there, somewhere. When I did, I'd be able to not just believe that my doctors wouldn't be doing all this for a reason, as I had when I was first diagnosed and when I faced my first bone marrow transplant, I'd see <i>WHY </i>it would succeed too. And I found it. When I did, I could TRULY put my all in it. This is the result. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I knew at that moment what I had to do. I went out and searched. This time, I had not one, but <i>two</i> years of medical education on my side, including stuff that seems very fateful - training and knowledge of what goes on in the neurological and muscloskeletal system. This time, I looked at not only cramps and neuropathy in my disease. I looked at it for ALL of them. That search is still going on... And I've compiled all of it into what could eventually become a publishable review, or at the very least, a case study. If you yourself are going through some, or just interested -<a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CN_q24s5wPN8895quertezixRce8RYStmKMCf6mQmkE/edit?usp=sharing"> feel free to check it out</a>. I'm happy to answer any questions - just know, you should always ask your doctor which one of these is right for you. I've included side effects for many of them, but not all (they're just notes with links to more detailed descriptions - all of which I've read) - just making sure I mention that!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Alongside all this, I thought deeply about the cramps. I outlined every single way it could be going on in me. And I looked at solutions already out there for them all. I'll go into the potential ones too soon, I'm sure. I'm so obsessed in such a healthy way, thinking about them keeps me up at night.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And now... for the first time in 1 and a half years, <i><b>I finally feel like I'm actually gonna get through this. </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know that even if none of these work, <b><i>there are others out there I've still gotta find.</i></b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know that even if there isn't, there may be one in the future.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And even if there isn't any, <b><i>at least now I'll be satisfied I gave it my all</i></b>.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And when I tell myself I can still do things, despite it all, I'll believe it. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />This chronic illness is another beast of its own. The very nature of it being something that could, or will haunt you forever, kills so many of us inside. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This has taught me the power of hope. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For the first time in a while, I'm not thinking I'm doomed to failure, death and pain my entire life. I feel like there is a future period, not one that leads to my death, or my taking my own life. I feel liberated.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But it's also taught me that even if there isn't any, you can still live life on your own terms. Sometimes it's proving a doctor wrong that motivates you to strive to be more. Despite all she'd done to bring me down though, I personally am not aiming for that... instead I'm showing myself that I'm not limited by anyone or anything else but me in doing this. Sometimes it's just getting sick of it all, like I had too. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But know - there is a way out of that shroud of gloom, and doom. You can break free. I did it the hard way, I kept trying to do it all myself, despite me insisting that you don't need to and shouldn't. You don't have to - talk to someone - a friend, a person who's literally a professional at this stuff, who can't tell anyone else about what you're going through (a psychiatrist or psychologist) - or ME if you feel like no-one's there or I'm perfect for the job. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You deserve to. You deserve to be happy. People do want the best for you. Even if your mind tells you otherwise, know that there will always be at least one who does. ME. </span><br />
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-19282619483138730132017-01-24T13:21:00.001+11:002017-02-02T18:19:07.708+11:00Chemo Starts Tomorrow. And I'm Looking Forward To It. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">I'm not crazy. But after suffering for a year, I finally have faith in something again. You'll always have something on your side in life. Always. Sometimes it takes a bit of time and help to find that...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/12/the-5-biggest-myths-about-depression.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2017/02/ive-gone-vegan.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Last year was hell. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Not only was I going through 2<sup>nd</sup> year, the
hardest year of med school, I<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/07/cancer-patient-plays-well-and-wins-big.html" target="_blank"> developed a lung condition that will only deteriorate in time.</a>
My skin grew darker, my muscles wasted away and my cramps got worse and worse. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The last of those, the cramps, was what was really killing me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Not just physically, when they came on, but mentally too. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The thing is, no-one really knows what’s causing my cramps. It seems to happen
a lot more than doctors suspect in patients with my disease (Graft Versus Host
Disease, where my donor’s blood stem cells creates white cells that don’t
recognise, and hence attack me)… but as my doctor at the time bleakly put it, “because
cramps are such a non-specific, subjective symptom, and because there are so
many things that can cause it, it will never be studied. No cure will ever be
found.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I believed that. I thought I’d be doomed to suffer
silently as my mind screamed out at my body and the torment my wrecked self was
giving me. The cramps never let up. And they only got worse over time… It
started with them happening every other day at night, then it started coming on
some mornings, and soon after, I’d be left cramping, unable to move from my chair
in fear of an attack, E<i><b>very. Single. Evening</b></i>. They started off 2 years ago only
in my calves and abs, and now, every muscle is affected. Even my jaw. I often find
myself stopping a conversation because my mouth was gaping and spasming of its
own accord... <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Last week marked 3 weeks of constant cramping. Ones that
would start in the morning (indeed, I’d often be woken up with a cramp), ones
that left my muscles aching with every tiny action, sometimes on their own, ones that would never let up. Bringing
my arm up to brush would make my biceps burn... typing anything would make my
hands curl up like a spider, even going to the bathroom became a dreadful task.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The pain had trapped me. Consumed me in all ways. I was constantly
in fear of it coming on. I’d become despondent when thinking about my future. I’d
thought, “Why bother living at all” so many times… I’d come to believe my own
doctor’s words, that I would suffer this forever. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>And I hated that... </b>I hated me. <b><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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A glimpse of me trying to move with the cramps. </div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It’s not like I wasn’t fighting… The last few months in particular,
I tried everything. I suggested treatment after treatment to my doctor, but every
time, I was turned back. I tried to be positive, told myself to
live in the now and not worry about the cramps, to just relax and watch a movie
when they did come on… But when they did, I’d curl up and cry, literally and figuratively,
and those dark thoughts would come racing back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b>But now, I'm sick of it all.<o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So last week I decided to take a dose of my own medicine, and I
did what I did when I was diagnosed with this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I took a step back. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I questioned all my doubts and fears. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I looked for a way out of this hell. A way that would
leave me happy and healthy. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I’d tried to do it before, and I’d kept telling myself that
all this would subside in time, and to live in the moment ‘tl then… <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But that wasn’t sustainable. I didn’t have something I had
last time... I didn’t have hope, belief, or a purpose. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I now know that if I’d talked to someone before, I’d
probably have come to this conclusion much sooner, and made this journey to a
better way much easier. A lesson for everyone I guess - you don’t have to do
everything on your own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So what’s the actual change? And how did I get there? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/02/how-did-you-find-out-you-had-cancer.html/" target="_blank">I decided to do what I did when I relapsed, and was told Ihad a less than 10% chance of surviving. </a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I looked up anything and everything I could in the
literature about my cramps. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I searched and I searched. I stayed up til 5 in the morning days
in a row. I was possessed with a fervour I’d lost. A want for something that I
hadn’t had in a while. Getting better.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I ended up learning a lot about muscles and nerves and the
fuel that they need to work. Things that can go wrong in cramps. And I found
many treatments for them. And just as importantly, I found a doctor that was
willing to help. A guy who encouraged using our arsenal of weapons against
disease. A guy who looked at me as a whole, who wanted to hear about and treat
even niggling concerns in my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CN_q24s5wPN8895quertezixRce8RYStmKMCf6mQmkE/edit?usp=sharing" target="_blank">Here’s a document I made with all of that if you’re goingthrough the same thing.</a> It's a bit technical, make sure you ask your doctor about things - but I'm happy to talk about them too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And tomorrow, I start a therapy that may well cure my
cramps. I’m a bit scared; it’s a chemo drug that has all the side effects you’d
expect chemo to have. But this is something that has proof behind it – this is
something whose workings and mechanisms I get, and can get my mind to believe
in. And I finally believe I’m gonna get better again. If not with this drug –
then the next, or the one after. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I guess you need that in life. Losing it made me realise
just how empty it can get without it. And I also know now that no matter what,
you can always give yourself that meaning or purpose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It may take a while to get it sometimes, but if you’re
struggling, know that you can still get there. Sometimes a little help is necessary.
If someone around me had asked – “what happened to the old you?” I would have
written this post months ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But know this, whoever’s reading - you’ll always have that
someone in me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Wish me well, cause I don’t need luck - Nikhil</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-6454784866577513632016-12-18T13:20:00.004+11:002017-06-16T23:46:41.071+10:00The 5 Biggest Myths About Depression and Suicide. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">As a cancer patient, I actually think depression <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">is harder to get through than cancer... At least with cancer, I had my mind on my side.</span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/11/theres-some-good-news-after-trumps_9.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2017/01/chemo-starts-tomorrow-and-im-looking.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></i></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">2016 has been a bad year. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For me, it's become even worse. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">2 real life friends, one of my readers and a child whose grade I was coaching for basketball had taken their own lives. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Depression and suicidal thoughts is something I've faced over the last few years, and not for the reasons you'd expect. I think I'm going through a tough spell right now... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I had to do something - so recently, I finally managed to shoot and edit this. A comprehensive video busting the 5 biggest myths about depression. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's long, I know, but the final myth is the most important one to bust. The biggest myth about depression is one that those going through it impose on themselves - that it's something you just have to live with. That it can't be beaten, or managed. That it's gonna follow you around for life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you, or anyone you know are going through some rough times, please show them this. Hell, I'd love it if everyone could see this video. But I'll settle for 99% of people =P </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And also - I wanna let any of you who may be suffering know that I'm always here for you. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br />Always. </span><br />
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-67098163602405927952016-11-09T23:10:00.000+11:002017-02-02T00:42:34.252+11:00There's some Good News after Trump's Victory. What Modi's slashing of large bills in India means for the INR and the nation.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>One of these men made a huge win that'll help out those in poverty, and make his country great again. The other's Trump. What Modi's move means for the INR, and the country as a whole.</i><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/10/the-forgotten-generation-of-cancer.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Okay so there's some good news today to those of us who are rational...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />This genius move was just made to break a hold of corruption in India, and though it's gonna cause some strife in the short run... it could significantly kill off corruption and tax fraud that strangles this nation.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Before I get into it though, I wanted to point out a dichotomy that's become clear to me. On one side, we have Trump, an egotistical man who was born into wealth coming into power and defieing the political establishment with policies that, if they go through the way he says they would, would increase poverty and the burden on the poor (If you're a supporter of his ideas, I'll include some links proving my assertions below). </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The other is Modi, a man who left his family at the age of 15 to become an activist, to campaign for the good of all Indians. He too is outside the establishment and indebted to no one, as he too rose to governer and then Prime Minister <i>without</i> begging for favours or taking donations from corporations, and he wants to help his nation rise up from poverty, ill health and corruption and it's on the latter that he's struck this potential crucial blow...</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />What used to happen; everyday people from many professions would get bribes in various forms or else will pay someone, say, 100000 rupees for something worth 500000 (but pay the 400000 in untraceable cash - so you only pay tax on the smaller amount), and you'd end up with stacks of cash lieing around in the homes of tax evaders and corrupt officials. It was so widespread, even good people overall would do it.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />But now... he's making those higher denominations of money; the 500, 1000 and 5000 rupee bills (worth about $10, $20 and $100 each) obsolete. Within 50 days, they will become worthless. People will have to take in their bills to the banks immediately where they will be transferred into smaller bills or credit, and where they'll be crosschecked with your tax statements, so those with too much money could not possibly exchange it all and would be, for lack of a more sincere term, screwed. Later down the track, in small increments, larger, rfid traceable, 500 and 2000 Rupee bills (ones which can make any transaction traceable) will be reintroduced slowly. These will be worth heaps! </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>It perfectly fits that this Icon of a human being, Gandhi, would be smiling down on this audaceous move himself.</i></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />The implications of this are interesting to say the least. There's only a small window for this to happen, so there is mass panic going on. I know, my parents are calling everyone and can see it happening... </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">There will probably be people buying every single commodity they can - petrol, flour, gold would all be getting sold at huge clips and for many times their usual price to try and get rid of those corrupted bills, and there would be huge amounts of money being wiped off the economy. The value of the rupee in terms of purchasing power will drop - 1000 rupees will no longer buy you 30L of petrol, it will buy you 15. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">But in theory, there'll be huge reductions in these commodities too - meaning there'll be less stuff to sell in a little while. But though the value of the rupee on the ground should increase even more, as people fight for the scraps that remain and would be willing to pay that same 1000 Rupees for 5L of petrol, eventually, businesses will have too much money that they'll probably end up saving, leading to purchasing power dropping again.This will only increase as companies refill gaps in stock. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The rupee value verses other currencies though? Well, the wipe out should reduce money in circulation, but the value of it will also be lowered eventually, for a short while, as when inventories run out and there's too much money, and too little goods for sale; each rupee will be worth less in terms of purchasing power. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">There appears to be $344billion (in US dollars - so that's a staggering $15TRILLION Rupees) worth of black money in circulation, and almost all of it will need to be spent, or else be lost in the coming 2 months, so the "limit" of money to spend shouldn't be a huge factor too. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">As the new bills that'll be released slowly, with limits, over the next few months, they'll eventually become something similar to the value they were before, as inventories of goods and produce will rise again too gradually as supply lines at each channel finally will back up (though I'm sure hoardable items like petrol and gold will decrease in value as there'll be less demand for them too). So it should stabilize I guess. And this is assuming so many things, it's not funny. But if the many variables are known, and if stats and figures for them are available, someone could make a LOT of money trading the INR currency on the forex market. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">It'll be a bit of a rough few months for the Indian people to say the least, but after that... in theory, any corruption will be traceable. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">And the amazing thing is... this was planned. <a href="http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-28962762" target="_blank">Modi has made it so every citizen in India has a bank account</a>; something that not only allows this bold move to be possible, but also reduces the corruption that used to happen at every level which used to make social welfar payments impossible to dole out. <a href="http://www.ndtv.com/india-news/pm-modi-speaking-at-start-up-india-meet-highlights-1266608" target="_blank">Everyone needs to have the equivalent of a TFN too now,</a> so escaping the wrap is useless, and if you were scamming the system beforehand by claiming lower taxes, then say goodbye to your money. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This is amazing. And it spells out hope in what could be a very dark, dangerous transition for this world. Hope that the hundreds of millions of starving, impoverished people in India can rise up and Make India Great Again. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Trump, on the other hand? We'll see. The reason why I doubt his moves towards protectionism, his tax legislation, and also his healthcare plans are below:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">His tax policy; how it actually leaves the poorest less well off (despite their tax cuts) than Hillary's (from a conservative source, and there's more saying the same thing too): </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">http://www.taxpolicycenter.org/publications/updated-analysis-hillary-clintons-tax-proposals</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">http://www.taxpolicycenter.org/publications/analysis-donald-trumps-revised-tax-plan</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">His Healthcare Policy - watch this amazing video. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3mYrOnq2Z4&t=1s</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How protectionism doesn't seem to work and why globalism leads to benefits to the order of over $2Trillion for Americans alone: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">https://object.cato.org/sites/cato.org/files/pubs/pdf/tbp-028.pdf</span></div>
Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-68988268528070504972016-10-17T16:57:00.003+11:002016-11-09T23:11:13.077+11:00The Forgotten Generation of Cancer Patients. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/10/not-your-usual-anythings-possible.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/11/theres-some-good-news-after-trumps.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">This is heartbreaking. But what's even worse is that teenagers like these guys receive the lowest funding of any age group, even though their survival rates have improved least. Here's how we can fix some of that.</span></i><br />
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Name="footnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footer"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="index heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of figures"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="envelope return"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="footnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="line number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="page number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="endnote text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="toa heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Late last year, an exciting thing happened. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I managed to get medical students invited to the international
adolescent and young adult cancer conference for the first time ever!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's an area of oncology that's been neglected for a long time, despite the
fact that there's a huge need. Contrary to popular notion, the incidence of
adolescent and young adult (AYA) cancer is higher than that of paediatric ones.
There are over 1000 cases in Australia alone per year. Yet despite this, both the
rates of improvement, and funding, in comparison to childhood and adult cancers
remains markedly lower. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hence the excitement. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">How do you get the knowledge gained
from this out to as many medical professionals as possible, when little is
being done by larger organisations? How do you make sure that less cancers are
missed in their earlier phases, and that the needs specific to younger cancer
patients, many around our age, are met? You make sure the next generation of
doctors are aware of this. </span></span><br />
<br />
Hence this article.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I guess the major takeaways from it can be organised under 3 banners. The science.
The services. And the social, psychological and practical impacts of cancer on
youth. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">
The science. </span></h2>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It’s important to appreciate that cancers affecting AYAs are
starkly different to that seen in their younger and older counterparts. Even
those that are similar tend to have different prognoses; Acute Lymphoblastic
Leukaemias, despite having a very high cure rates in children, are much more
deadly to youth, for instance. Similarly, many youth suffering from thyroid
cancers have much more dire prognoses than older patients. Factors such as
differing hormone levels, leading to different mutation profiles and reactions
to treatment, and perhaps more sinister manifestations of cancers down genetic
susceptibilities may be reasons for this. But other currently understudied factors
exist too. As was pointed out by Olivia Watson of Sydney University, there is a
“surprising discrepancy in some treatment outcomes in New Zealand”, pointing to
the possibility of race affecting outcomes too.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The lack of knowledge further highlights another issue, the lack of trial
knowledge, which stems from both lack of clinical trials focusing on AYAs and a
more systemic one, in the deficiencies seen in data collection in cancer. The
prior is a result of both the burden of disease of cancer being higher in older
populations, and the lack of facilities. “Paediatric hospitals often having
higher trial participation” due to better infrastructure highlights that this
is an issue that can be fixed, and the government’s <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/triplej/programs/hack/promise-of-first-ever-clinical-trials-for-young-cancer-patients/7435384">recent
$7million investment in clinical trials for this age group</a> is a step in the
right direction, but more needs to be done on an international scale for
results to be seen. The lack of sophisticated, or even complete data collection
by cancer registries also poses a challenge to the collection of even
epidemiological data, and it’s a challenge faced around the world. Many
presenters lamented these shortcomings, but again, progress is being made. I
was fortunate enough to sit in on a workshop after the congress with
doctors from the US, UK and Australia, trying to make it easier to share data
over national lines. Perhaps international cooperation will be the solution in
the challenging climate of relatively low numbers of patients?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Of course, issues and priorities very different to those in other age groups
are also pertinent, and often less appreciated by doctors and researchers in
this field, for this population. Contrary to popular opinion, fertility is a
major cause of distress amongst younger cancer patients, being a feature of
even 12 to 13 year olds’ thoughts, and “considering sexuality” and “delicately
exploring any functional issues” due to the impacts of cancer is also
important, points out Sophia, an ex UNSW medical student, as it has “measurable
impacts on quality of life”. Finally, survivorship is also a vital issue,
especially in this population, with high levels of anxiety due to fear of
relapse (often dubbed “scanxiety” by patients), disability and late effects of
treatment, including secondary cancers, being huge factors. Indeed, much of
this can be attributed to our lack of knowledge. As a presenter pointed out,
low rates of trial participation by youth is likely causing either too high, or
too low doses of chemotherapy being administered to patients, for identical
cancers. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But there is hope. Not only in the future due to that government investment,
but right now, with an exciting presentation being given on one hospital’s
successful experiment of giving highly personalised treatment regimens based on
patients’ own mutation profiles alone, drawing great applause. Especially
remarkable was that the prescribed treatment was based, in many cases, off of
other cancers’ trials. A step made necessary by the lack of appropriate
treatments. </span><br />
<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The services:</span></h2>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Imagine having to pick, on the day after being told there is a high chance
you may have to face your own mortality, whether you’d like to be treated in a
paediatric, or regular hospital at the age of 16. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Beyond the outcome-related repercussions of your choice, are very real, and
very important, other factors too. Whether or not you’ll be able to get access
to a social worker familiar with schooling, or university admissions. Whether
you’ll be able to see the same doctors, or be referred and treated inside the
same hospital during your probable life-long follow up. Whether there is even a
support network or buddy system, or even One. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other. Damned patient with whom you don’t have
to verbally joust to avoid allusions to “how unfortunate” it is that you in particular
are facing a disease their cousin had succumbed to themselves. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Again forgotten in many regards, the unique challenges of a life completely
interrupted, academically or career-wise; issues like fertility-preservation and
also that of palliative care, only add to this. Great examples were given of
programs to make hospitals more youth, frankly, person-friendly environments,
and many, such as opening up reliable wifi to patients and things like shared
recreation centres where counsellors could also be stationed, could be done
relatively cheaply. But others, such as fertility preservation, will require
systemic change, which isn’t easy when there are challenges, such as the <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2005-04-20/govt-warned-against-ivf-medicare-changes/1555040">government’s
proposal to reduce medicare rebates for fertility preservation</a>. Little
thought is given to AYA cancer patients in many sectors of health policy and
service providence. But luckily, patient groups around the world are striving
to fix that. And often, many of the services that do come into systems are
pioneered (and often provided solely, as in the case of cancer psychological
support services by CanTeen in Australia) by these groups. But systems are
necessary to offer support still.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>The services are still pretty damn important. CHOC - the Children's Hospital of Orange County - put this together, but just as cool is a Patient Station they have in their hospitals which feature virtual reality platforms too! </i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As Madeleine FitzPatrick of Western Sydney University’s medical program
aptly put “if we treated all our patients as we do in paediatrics, we’d have
much better outcomes”, and in many instances, it’s true that they do boast
superior support systems. But there are many issues which require more in
general, and when you factor in the low numbers, low resources and the lack of
specialised staff in this field of medicine, it becomes a tough challenge to
solve. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Interesting is how the interplay of differing health systems, differing
classifications of what exactly “youth cancer” meant and differing types of
providers, leads to different approaches. The UK, specifically, England, seems
to be most ahead of the pack, with its public, regionally-zoned healthcare
system allowing for the building and providing of services and treatment to be
done from hospital specific cancer units. There are 28 of these, reasonably
spread out around the nation. The US with very diverse systems, both state by
state and hospital to hospital, would find it challenging to implement such a
scheme, so it’s often up to hospitals to learn lessons from others, or, where
that doesn’t work, for not-for-profits to pick up the slack, support wise. And
in Australia, CanTeen has revolutionised itself to become a service provider,
and with help from the government, has established the Youth Cancer Services
network, seeking to unite as many young cancer patients as possible to youth
cancer specialists in many fields, through strategic placement of staff in
major cities. More focus on these, and more funding is indeed, necessary. But
knowledge that these services exist by us, the future of this field, will
ensure that those services will lead to less suffering.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Perhaps the most eye-opening part of this conference was revealed to us by
one of the most inspiring. Palliative care is a topic last on many patients’
mind as they progress through their cancer journey, but it’s not only necessary
for some, but very misunderstood too. As Stevie, a palliative care patient
herself, put to the audience, it isn’t just something offered to patients to
reduce suffering. It restores dignity. It improves functioning. And in many
cases, it isn’t even necessary that you need to be dying to access, and benefit
from it. Superior pain management is but one example of the benefits of
involving palliative care physicians earlier than at day’s end. And the insights
Stevie offered into the suffering faced by doctors too as their patients are
taken all too young were remarkable. I myself spoke to those gathered and
reminded them that no matter what the outcome, they can and will always be able
to change lives. It wasn’t the medical decisions and prowess that made my
doctors special. What made them special to me was the times they were there for
me, beyond all that. Those times we talked about fishing before delving into a
consult. When one doctor walked me to a biopsy on his way to another
department. When my treating haematologist wrote a letter in to the UMAT board
imploring them that I be allowed to sit my entrance exam. Those things changed
my life. And I’ll always remember them. Forever. No matter what. </span><br />
<br />
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The social:</span></h2>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Social and psychological impacts of disease are often most overlooked in
treatment, but when considering the disruption to the crucial developmental and
growth periods many in this age bracket are in, and the high rates of
depression and suicide it suffers too, it becomes vital these issues are
addressed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Higher rates of depression are faced by patients and survivors of youth
cancer, and also by their friends, siblings and parents, all too oft forgotten
in day-to-day care. Though it’s impossible to fix every aspect of this, it’s
important to, at the very least, acknowledge it, and refer out to specialists
which as you now know do exist on this matter. Within Australia, often that’s
provided by CanTeen. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Furthermore, risk taking behaviour is also markedly increased in this
population, both generally, and specific to youth cancer patients, and so it
becomes vitally important to not just be aware of this, but to also take every
means possible to reach your patients. Lessons to medicine in general can be
taken away from this, as one patient pointed out that they were “more likely to
take medications regularly” if they were properly explained “why [they] had to
take those medications”. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Indeed, doctors are responsible for much of the suffering faced by patients.
And that’s reflected in both scientific studies, and also by a survey I took at
a patient and family member conference prior to this one’s commencement. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-no-proof: yes;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This was but one response to those questions… </span><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj12VszRHDXpJ2MvOpL5qYoS91ssHLm6Ix6CJZbEDqFUhxu1cXgDl4ClWEn6FXMZqNCMmds-D3VBsrRSGDlw4EBS_Tl4JiA0DVYaiZh2vC4uFeuYtcNuaKUmgusWFixPIjZmRmgRyLnBQuY/s1600/youth+cancer.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj12VszRHDXpJ2MvOpL5qYoS91ssHLm6Ix6CJZbEDqFUhxu1cXgDl4ClWEn6FXMZqNCMmds-D3VBsrRSGDlw4EBS_Tl4JiA0DVYaiZh2vC4uFeuYtcNuaKUmgusWFixPIjZmRmgRyLnBQuY/s1600/youth+cancer.png" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As you can see… it’s heart-breaking the impact of cancer on young people. Hell, it's heartbreaking for everyone. But as the kid in response 2 and I myself, a 3-time cancer
survivor, now medical student can tell you first hand… the impact of being
connected to and just talking to someone who’s been through what you have is
immeasurable. This, the connection to services and simple friendship is
literally the difference between pain and relief, anxiety and acceptance, even
life and death for some. And all these things, we have this amazing privilege
to be able to provide. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So if you take anything away from this, please let it be that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" /></span>
</div>
Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-62407178681177620752016-10-07T18:39:00.001+11:002017-08-19T21:12:42.864+10:00Not Your Usual Motivational Bullshit.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Motivating someone is hard. There are too many 'thought leaders' out there telling everyone who'll listen, 'If I can do it, anyone can!'. But it doesn't work for those who've lost everything. Here's how to motivate those who REALLY need it.</span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/07/how-to-renew-your-faith-in-humanity.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/10/the-forgotten-generation-of-cancer.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I saw some rehab specialists today. First time I had actually, which is surprising, given how many different aspects of my life have been compromised by my Graft Versus Host Disease. </span><br />
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Anyway, that's how I ended up walking up and down a ward, over and over. Apparently the magical cure to my debilitating cramps is walking... </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Who knows though, it could work. Worth a shot, right? </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So there I was,, doing a 6 minute walk test, putting up a number that I'd be ashamed of 5 or 6 years ago, when a lady I kept passing kept calling out to me. I didn't understand her at first, I thought she may have been delirious or something. But on maybe the 5th lap, when I strained really hard, I finally heard what she was saying. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"It's so unfair... I used to be able to do that."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Awww, why are you doing this?"</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"It's so unfair..."</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">At first, I was embarrassed. And a little mad. I'd just realised they were making me gallivant my way across these halls in front of peoplew</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ho can't even get out of bed, yet alone do the things we take for granted, like getting up to go to the toilet. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My next response. Annoyance. No, closer to Indignation. How dare she say it was unfair that <i>I </i>was doing "well" (most of you who are well bodied and young would agree that being able to walk a grand total of 300m in 6 minutes isn't exactly a portrait of good health). What did <i>she </i>know about what I'd been through to do this? About how the cramps which debilitated me at night and left me <i>screaming, </i>just <i>begging</i> for it to stop??</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I held that back when I remembered where she was. Unable to walk, even get out of bed after a stroke. It was exactly where I was years ago, as I was learning to walk again after my own transplant, as I tried and tried, over and over again to regain a semblance of normality. How would I have reacted to an indignant prick who'd tell me that they'd done their time, their fair share of suffering then? Not well.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But as I thought about what I should say, striding back and forth through the ward, I also asked myself how I'd have reacted to a pompous prick proclaiming, "I've done it, so can you!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Not well either... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That's the thing though. "Motivational speakers", "thought leaders" and "inspiring personalities" are all the go these days. There seems to be 30 of them for every one of us. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's all good and well when we hear their stories. I mean, if you're normal, or if you feel good about yourself and the world, they often can lift you up. If they can do it, anyone can, right? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But if you're <i>not</i> in a good place, if you're suffering something devastating like this lady is... If you're facing a chronic illness or disability; something that won't budge, no matter how much you "positively think!" about it, or if you're depressed, and miserable about yourself and the world, it literally feels like these people are saying you're just whinging, ungrateful or inferior for your suffering. That you're weak because you haven't been able to get over it, like them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It doesn't help. It literally makes them feel more down. It discourages them, the very opposite of what's intended, when you're not well. I know, I've been there, and I've hated hearing those things too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What should you say, you ask? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, it depends on the person. There isn't a one-size-fits-all solution. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But what do most need? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Encouragement is one thing. Acknowledging that their pain is real, and important to you, is extremely important. It's vital. No matter how much your mind may say otherwise, no matter if you're a doctor, nurse, or just a friend who's watched on as someone going through much worse just grimaced and got on with it, and are now dealing with someone who thinks their world's just ended or someone who tells you they have nothing to smile about, their suffering is real and just. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Who are you to say their pain isn't pain? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I can honestly say that depression, and this chronic illness (not just the horrible aspects of it, like the cramps, but how it makes me feel about myself and what I can do) has been harder to face than every single battle I've had with cancer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">At least with that, I had an end in sight. Something to work towards. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">At least in that, I had my mind on my side. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So don't tell someone like her, or anyone else who's really down, for any reason, that they should be "grateful because some poorer soul out there is suffering more"... Again, ask yourself how that helps. You've literally given them no way to get through their pain, just told them, in this case, intentionally, to their face, that they're weak and ungrateful and don't deserve to feel the way they do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How then do you give someone something to get through their struggles, when those struggles seem so deep? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, I think letting them know that it is gonna be hard, that it does, and will suck at times, is vital. It doesn't kid them, it doesn't give them an overly rosy perspective of the journey to come, and contrary to what you may think, when you're facing something terrifying, and are at rock bottom anyway, it prepares you. And gives you only one way to look, and think. One way to go. Up! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My nurse's warning that chemo was gonna be far beyond the worst thing I'd ever felt in my life, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">was ironically, not just the thing that prepared me for the worst, but what kept me going, what kept me looking at the big picture; at <i>why</i> they were doing this to me in the first place, <i>during</i> the worst pains of my life. </a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">After this, show them that though it is a long journey, you can make it easier. There are hundreds of little tips and tricks, things that take only minor changes to your habits, lifestyle and mindset, that'll help you get through things easier. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Facing long rehab? Like you're just trying to get up and out of bed for the first time in hospital, or for the first time in a while when you're depressed, rehab? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">D</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">o those exercises that seem to take everything out of you in the evenings, or mornings, when you're about to shower anyways, or do it right after food, when you're most energetic. Get the pros to help you. Get them, or get others who know (the internet and chat rooms can be a great resource to help you do this), to give you the easy ways of doing things. The rehab physicians I saw today gave me exercises to do while sitting down at a chair! Perfect for not just my cramps, but my exams coming up soon (God help me). </span><br />
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<i><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/the-science-of-goal-setting_b_6335764" target="_blank">Get everything science has found out about motivation on your side; have a read of this great article!</a></i></div>
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<i><a href="http://www.getitdonemate.com/" target="_blank">I'm actually working on something that's helping people do this, here!</a></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Ask a friend to help you, commit to something you can't easily skate out of, and you get others on your side in this battle. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Indeed, if you're in a position where you're trying to help someone, get them someone they can look up to! Someone who may have been through something similar to them. You may not be able to fathom what they're going through (and I believe this doesn't mean you can't help), but there will always be others who can! And they can help so much... </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That was certainly the case for me... When I was going into my first bone marrow transplant, I was terrified deep down, until I saw someone who'd been through it too. Just seeing them gave me a sense that this </span><i style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif;">could </i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">be okay. That the pain and misery in my future did have an end point. And the chats we had throughout it, the tips and tricks and encouragement she gave me just stuck more. There are so many tools out there, set up by the government, hospitals, foundations and just the internet that connect people together. Even if you can't find the right words, right away, someone out there can! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Feeling like it's not working? That all the work you're putting is getting you nowhere? Or that getting better is so long away? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Give it time. But give yourself something to work towards. Look at the big picture, what this is all for, and give yourself a goal. An end point, something to keep you marching forwards in those hard times. Make it a long term goal. One that you can keep yourself accountable to by setting smaller achievements to accomplish. Write it down somewhere. Post it to Facebook, and make yourself accountable. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Make that reason for going on an ideal; something greater than you. To care, or take away the suffering of your loved ones, to work for others, or something you believe in. And by doing this, and you rig your mind to not just look at the big picture, but place getting there as one of your top priorities. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But if you're feeling like giving up, then the last, best thing you can do is to let yourself be human. Believe me, you'll feel like giving up, or that it's pointless, or that you'll never get there many times on your journey. Whatever you're accomplishing is hard enough when you're normal and facing so many external hardships, yet alone when you're facing internal ones you feel like, or you physically can't control. I've done some crazy things in my time, and so many people call me an inspiration for many of them. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But the truth is, I've given up on so many things too. I've told myself, "Why bother exercising when I'm gonna get sick and lose all I've gained anyway? When I can't even do half of what I used to," so many times now, it's not funny. And I've succumbed to those too, along the way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But it's when I'm pushing myself <i>too</i> hard that I do this. When I tell myself "Anything's possible" and set myself on something that, halfway through, feels impossible to me, I lose hope, and feel like giving up. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Which is why acknowledging to them, or yourself, that there will be hurdles, obstacles and failures along the way; that your goal may take months, or years to accomplish is so important. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's why telling them, that their goal, their deepest desire may not be fulfilled isn't disheartening. Because giving a shot and trying, even if it brings only small comfort will still matter, if not to them right away, then to those they love. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It doesn't discourage you, if done right. If these are acknowledged, but you're also given ways of <i>getting through </i>those hurdles, or at least, assurance that help and friendship will be there when trouble comes, it actually makes you more likely to succeed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I guess that's at the heart of what I always try to say. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Do I believe you can do anything you set your mind to? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, if you're well of mind and body, and if you're afforded the opportunities you deserve (which many, including the poor, women and other marginalised populations aren't) then, barring the impossible-according-to-the-laws-of-physics, yes. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But if you're not, it can be much, much, harder. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You should never impose your beliefs and values onto others; especially those who may need your help. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But that doesn't mean you can't. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I hope I've given you one way to try and do that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So what did I tell her? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I told her that I'm sorry for her pain. That I could only begin to imagine what she was going through. That it must be horrible.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But then that I myself had been at a low point once myself. That I'd seen others who had been through what she had, and recovered. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That I didn't know what was possible for her. That I did know there would probably be times you feel no difference, that you may go backwards at times, that you may wanna quit. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But that there is an end goal that you can and should aspire to. That this could well be the very thing that gets here there. And that she was in the best place to get her there. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I wish her the very best. </span></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-12031027950658477752016-07-31T19:08:00.001+10:002017-08-19T21:13:54.411+10:00How to Renew Your Faith in Humanity<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/07/cancer-patient-plays-well-and-wins-big.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: medium;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This may be weird... I'm gonna be writing a blog post within a blog post within a blog post today. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">But yes, basically, I wrote this comment to a group of medical students on social media, after writing the bottom comment to a guy who writes <a href="http://ifinding.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/pain-of-life.html" target="_blank">this great blog on medical practic</a>e. I knew I needed to share this with you. This is directed towards medical student, doctors and anyone who cares about their welfare. So, hopefully, everyone! <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/12/why-doctors-and-why-you-need-to-care.html" target="_blank">A popular blog post I wrote not too long ago that delves into the extreme depression that healthcare professionals go through. </a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"I read this blog of a medical intern intern recently, and saw, as I always had for the past few years I'd been following him, a trend of dissatisfaction and depression. So I decided to comment this (the stuff below), and it ended up turning into pretty much a blog post of my own haha (I do this sometimes lol... it's how half my blog posts start) This may be able to help some of you out. Here I talk to a doctor... but if you can remember that all the strife we go through as students; the pressure to succeed, the threats of failing, and the constant, unending, life absorbing study - that it all goes to us being able to accomplish amazing things. That how the very hand you're using to click on things, one filled with miles of vessels, nerves and muscle/bone fibres, all coordinated perfectly to deliver the perfect amount of nutrients, energy and oxygen required to function stems from millions of years of evolution, is fascinating in its very EXISTENCE... it could make your life right now feel more worthwhile if it isn't already.<br />If you guys ever wanna talk btw - I'm right here. Message me here or on my blog (in case I don't see it) and I'll be more than happy to talk!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Hey man. I've read your blogs for a while now. One thing I notice as a theme is one of depression. Of feeling overwhelmed, as if you aren't really accomplishing much from all of this. The great lie that is medicine I guess is that we will proceeed, in our lifetimes, to save hundreds of suffering people.<br />First off, I wanna tell you something I tell all doctors in your position.<br />That no matter what, you can, and ALWAYS will be able to make a huge difference to peoples' lives, no matter how insignificant this thing can make you feel.<br />Pain and suffering, and indeed, death, you can't alleviate all the time. But the way in which you influence someone's life in their most vulnerable, painful, hopeless moments, makes a HUGE difference to patients' lives. I know from personal experience (I'm a 2 time BMT recipient to treat my AML and suffer severe chronic GVHD because of it now). At the beginning of my journey, when I was first diagnosed, it was my doctor's words that got me to feel that I had some control in all of this. It was his actions, and the way that he practiced that inspired me even further to get into medicine. It was a letter from him to the medical board that allowed for that dream to actually happen.<br />But even now, with this incurable, long lasting, life threatening disease that is graft versus host, even after I developed this thought process that helped me get through the hardest parts of treatment, I find my doctor's words and interactions influence me greatly.<br />My care changed hands recently, as my old doctor had retired. My new ones left me disingenuous about my own health. They talked down to me, they refuted everything I said, it was almost as if they wanted to prove me wrong all the time (despite the fact that the publications on medications I'd looked up for a more recent disease I'm dealing with, bronchiolitis obliterans, they hadn't even read papers on... since then, I've been put on the medication...), and left me feeling anxious about my health, for the first time in years. The attitude I'd developed to deal with all those kind of feelings dropped away with that, perhaps because it exacerbated my depression.<br />Then I saw a doctor, as a second opinion, from another hospital. We talked about my health. The back and forth was glorious. Finally! Someone who was well read in his field actually explaining things to me! Finally, someone who actually cared about my sleep, stress and quality of life. Someone who treated even the little things, like my feet which were aching, rather than dismissing them in favour of "the bigger problems". That one consultation changed my outlook on everything immensely. I still know I may well die to this disease. That it could happen in years too. But I no longer worry so much, I feel better cared for, and that's spilled over to my life in general.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You can do that every single day as a doctor. In fact, I still believe, the vast majority of doctors still do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It won't mitigate the long hours, the fact that many patients won't be helped, or listen to your advice, nor will it eradicate this system, that, in your country in particular, often dooms the poor to poor outcomes. But it will change at least 2 lives.<br />The first of that patient.<br />The second, your own.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because if YOU can go into work, everyday, telling yourself that you're going to be that doctor that eases the pain, suffering and misery of others, you'll not just renew your faith in your ability to cause change, but perhaps even enjoy it again.<br />I hope this gets to you. And I hope this helps you out."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A video I did on this;</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQE38eYPjZ7xU1uHYvWVQ5X2nSmhpOVO1KmcvbB670UQ7Q7mKIc2EBfsfJoWE8TvxEeAFIlssBBymI-bn66_0iReZDAcScmi9BFQZA5dfAQM1ZMtrHNOAJDmp26iATIPvCssB80V8W61RJ/s1600/hearts+in+healthcare.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQE38eYPjZ7xU1uHYvWVQ5X2nSmhpOVO1KmcvbB670UQ7Q7mKIc2EBfsfJoWE8TvxEeAFIlssBBymI-bn66_0iReZDAcScmi9BFQZA5dfAQM1ZMtrHNOAJDmp26iATIPvCssB80V8W61RJ/s1600/hearts+in+healthcare.png" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://heartsinhealthcare.com/" target="_blank">Hearts in Healthcare - A must read for anyone in healthcare!</a></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-66545465615049703202016-07-26T17:51:00.000+10:002016-07-31T19:19:32.911+10:00Cancer Patient Plays Well, and Wins Big For Charity.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/5-long-years-and-im-still-here.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/07/how-to-renew-your-faith-in-humanity.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Next One</a><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Recently, I was given some pretty bad news. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've got bronchiolitis obliterans, a lung manifesation of the graft versus host disease that plagues me after my bone marrow transplant. Essentially, it's my donor's immune system (in bone marrow transplants, you inherit the blood making cells of your donor, which includes their white blood cells) attacking me<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. T</span>his time though, in the lungs. Over time, it's something I'll have to watch very carefully, as the survival outcomes for this aren't that great, and it's something that progresses too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As you'd expect with anything of this nature, I was scared. Anxious, without even knowing it. Exams were going on too when I got the news, so I didn't even get time to properly take it in, yet alone look it up. When I did, I realised how bad it could very well get for me. And I <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">got even more <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">scared</span></span>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A range of emotions go through you when you hear bad news. You'd think I'd be good at dealing with these things now, given how I'd dealt with my cancer, and then my relapse and then a third cancer, and everything else (and there have been a lot of other things too) on the way. But<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank"> though that attitude I took on board after all those thing</a>s does help in the long run, it's almost impossible to make some good come out of this when it just hits you. Experience isn't exactly much help with these things. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But as <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">these things </span>happen<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span>time and time again for me, what seems to hit, and stay with me <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">most, and l</span>ongest, is a sense of finality. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Dealing with the leukaemia was the easy part, I feel often when I look back. The chronic effects of this all, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/11/frustration.html" target="_blank">combined with the frustration and grief </a>(loss is loss; grief needn't be associated with death) it brings about, makes me prone to feeling this way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So I had this crazy notion a few weeks ago. What if this was the thing that brings me down? What if one of my hundreds of other conditions caused something like this too? Who knows how long I had left? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So why <i>not </i>live out my dreams<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For those who don't know, I play poker. I started about a year and a half ago, when the <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/10/cancer-aint-gonna-cramp-my-style.html" target="_blank">cramps I get, that nowadays leave me debilitated and in pain most nights</a>, started progressing. I needed something to do. Something to get my mind off things. So I started playing this game I learned years ago, something I'd played just for fun and in passing, at our local club. I was gonna cramp sitting at home anyway. Why not play poker <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">while I got them</span>? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And slowly, but surely, I got better at it. I started playing buy-in, tournament events (I'd played for free for the better part of a year, and win some money in the process). Nothing huge. In fact, til just a few weeks ago, the highest buy-in I'd posted was a $25 one. Most games I played were either free, or under $15. And til just a few weeks ago, I'd won over $6000, from less than $1200 in buy-ins! $2050 of that went to charity - <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/losing-independence-and-feeling-like.html" target="_blank">as a reader of the blog had insisted on donating something to me, and that it be used for ME to have fu</a>n. That act stays with me til this day. The reason she wanted me to spend it on me just hit the nail on the head in terms what I was feeling at the time. But I couldn't just take someone's money in good faith. So I decided to donate all the winnings from her donation to charity instead! <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar/media_set?set=a.10204627174034399.1073741838.1686444229&type=3" target="_blank">You can follow that journey here!</a> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So, where was I<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">? Ah, right. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My dream. Well, for</span></span> a while now was to go and play in the World Series of Poker's Main Event. A HUGE poker tournament with over 6000 entrants every year, a first prize of over $7,000,000 (and a prize pool of over $60,000,000), but most importantly, one that attracts the world's best poker players!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I knew I was gonna play it at some point in my life. But after hearing the bad news a few weeks ago, I desperately wanted to do it this year. Even after the inital fear and that feeling of doom dropped away, I knew that life could turn at any moment, especially in someone like me. Who knows if I'd even be healthy enough to play the gruelling, 7 day tournament next year??</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Yet I was still afraid. The buy in for this was $10,000! I'd be playing some of the best players in the world! People who played this for a living! I knew I was good. But was I <i>that </i>good? What would my parents, what would everyone around me think? Was it really worth spending a good chunk of my savings on this??? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In the end though... this happened. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Yep. I did it. I booked the next flight out, for me and my brother, and the next day, we were there. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And the result?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I did it. I'd studied my butt off (because contrary to most peoples' perceptions, poker is a game of incredibly complex strategy, math and risk stratification), read all my stuff and played the most focused, quality poker I've ever played, for 10 hours a day, for just under 40 hours and not only made a healthy profit, but beat out thousands of poker professionals (including some of my heroes - who I got to play against too!) to get there!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It was the best couple of weeks I had in my life! All <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">because I made <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">this decision on </span></span>a whim. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I think Jim Carey encapsulates every lesson you could take away from this<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> in one minute. </span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">\</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So. What am I gonna do with the winnings? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well, it's not a $28,000 profit. Remember, $10,000 was used to buy me in. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But that's still HUGE for me! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">10% of the money goes to my brother. He's long been suffering alongside me. Indeed, more than me, I'd say. It's not easy going through cancer... but I reckon it's MUCH tougher watching someone you love have to go through something like that, while not being able to do anything. He's suffered not just the emotional and physical burden of looking after me, but also given up much of his life, just so I may have a semblance of a normal one. I can never thank him enough for that. But I can definitely try!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Around 10% will be going to my cousin, whose family took me in for a couple of months, and treats me as their own, til this day, and my father, who's turning 50 this year. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And 10% will be going to charity. I'm an effective altruist, and don't just believe, but KNOW that the best way we can make a difference in our lives is to give to the organisations that change the most lives per dollar spent. A great website actually does the research for you and ranks these charities for you. Which of these top charities am I giving to then? </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>A great summary of Effective Altruism - a way of giving that makes sense!</i> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In a way, all of them. Because, also something you may not know, recently, I started up a social enterprise - a charity that works as a business and distributes all profits to charities - called <a href="http://www.playwel.org/" target="_blank">PlayWell</a><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">! It's been slow work, but as soon as I'm a little more healthy, I can dedicate more to it.<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> And it's <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">well worth it. Because this thing could change the world. </span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Imagine being able to<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> make those hundreds of thousands of hours you<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">'ll spend in your lifetime on <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">en<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">tertainment<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> achieve good. Well, <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">on PlayWell, you can. Through <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">many direct and indirect ways, your every action o<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">n this entertainment <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">app will <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">allow you to ma<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ke the hours you'd be spending on Facebook, <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">or YouTube, or Tumblr or Instagram - the things you'd be doing anyway <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">- make money for charity! Every tiny action of yours will generate revenue<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> for charity! <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">All <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">while y<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ou enjoy<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> watching stuff from your favourite <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">stars, </span></span>supporting them<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, </span>and discovering the best content on the internet<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> If you know a<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">n internet star/<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">a budding one - let them know they're invited to j<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">oin<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> now! Hopefully, it'll be a thing - sooner<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, rather than later, and help charities make money in a completely different, <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">currently untapped, way!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<i>If you know anyone who's a budding/current online star, who wants to make more money while helping the world, tell them to sign up at www.playwel.org!</i> </div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And the rest of the money? Well... that'll be put to letting me play Next Year too! And in bigger tournaments for the year to come! At least 10% of all my poker winnings from this day forwards will be going to charity. And I've proven to myself that I can play with the best of them. I'm sure now that this is an investment that will pay off<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">While I was <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">in America, I also visited some amazing doctors. And it's not too bad news for <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">me overall, and the lungs! A doctor who I<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">get second opinions from <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">routine<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ly saw me in person for the first time, and said I looked much better in real life than on paper<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> - which was great for my prognosis with this disease. The lungs <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">are still iffy, all agree, but it's not progressing<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, and indeed, may not progress in the near future, i<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">f I convince my doctors to get me on some drugs I've been tel<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ling them to put me on for months now..<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you sense frustration there, <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">you're right. One of my doctors described the care I'd been receieving from <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">my recent doctor as "neglect"... <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And though there's one little issue left that may be concerning, overall, <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">it's still great news!</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And most importantly, I fe<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">el good! This trip has done so much for me. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">No matter how much I tell myself I can st<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ill do a lot - something that's kept me going despite the frustration <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">this disease brings - I still<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> occasionally get brought down. Now, I'll have at least one <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">week <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">that can remind me<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> that I <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">definitely can</span>.</span></span></span> H</span></span></span></span>opefully<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">that will </span>help me continue to try and do as much for this world as possible<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">.</span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-30538033727262594622016-05-16T17:23:00.002+10:002016-07-31T19:20:39.981+10:005. Long. Years. And I'm STILL Here. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/a-true-miracle-that-didnt-have-to-be.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/07/cancer-patient-plays-well-and-wins-big.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Next One</a><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">On this day 5 years ago, my doctors told me these words... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Nikhil. The good news is, you're 17 and you have leukaemia. But the bad news is, you're 17 and you have leukeamia."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And they've changed my life. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">They've transformed me from a boy, fresh out of highschool, who wanted to help people, but mainly just wanted to play basketball all day, to a man who focuses on the opportunities rather than the prices paid, one who <i>needs</i> to put his all into that desire to help others...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But also one who often can't. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's been long. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/bone-marrow-transplants-procedure-thats.html" target="_blank">I've had 2 bone marrow transplants</a>, with 8 rounds of some of the hardest chemo you can get, plus over 20 "maintainence" chemos (in truth, the fatigue they bring sometimes feels worse than those hard ones). I've relapsed, been to ICU at least twice (probably a few more times that I can't remember), lost a rib to a different cancer altogether, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/02/whats-going-on-my-eye-opening.html" target="_blank">an eye to I still don't know what</a> (<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/06/my-eye-opening-experience-part-2-its.html" target="_blank">the other eye's missed being blinded twice now since...</a>), and <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html" target="_blank">lost my mind for 2 weeks</a> to a reaction that almost reduced my chances at relapse to 0... The side effects from that last one alone, the drugs I'm still on and the constant threat of those seizures returning,<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/11/how-it-feels-to-have-chronic-illness.html" target="_blank"> still bear heavy on my mind</a>... not to mention the major side effect of this all - the <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/losing-independence-and-feeling-like.html" target="_blank">Graft Versus Host Disease</a> that turns me into a child, cursing, screaming, pleading for the pain to stop, most nights due to the cramps. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've had over 300 bags of blood products infused into me, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/humour-in-hospital-1-mary-johnson.html" target="_blank">one that nearly took my life</a>, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/bone-marrow-transplants-procedure-thats.html" target="_blank">2 that have saved i</a>t (the bone marrow transplants). I don't even know how many appointments I've had. I STILL have monthly infusions, still go to monthly checkups with 3 monthly, 6 monthly and yearly ones thrown inbetween, and currently have 8 specialists looking after me. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's changed me from this; </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvINgpFPHn1kLMi7CbBjlgvIFLPbBemF29AxzTN7iOhNicq9wPnkcgSnEbNbMwBVGvH68lyH3W4FSbsLoKagG-wy6n5Upj11iIkbt_43UYn_7fBuE-hvyw4LTIAgjmU-fEnP73R2GPHgyA/s1600/lol+nikhil+before+transplants.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvINgpFPHn1kLMi7CbBjlgvIFLPbBemF29AxzTN7iOhNicq9wPnkcgSnEbNbMwBVGvH68lyH3W4FSbsLoKagG-wy6n5Upj11iIkbt_43UYn_7fBuE-hvyw4LTIAgjmU-fEnP73R2GPHgyA/s320/lol+nikhil+before+transplants.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">to this... </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnWh9Rra27nOw4IcDSo60lK3Zyn3krDDgqIsTErJt8R-nzcCilG8w3eSBnnq4qjE0DeS0vkBgvLRinw8fLFtY728b61q6ADjP7dlgmQ74C-B8z_QskOtuDdnI5ZNJGZD6OEyqX1tJwoJ9f/s1600/lol+nikhil+after+transplant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnWh9Rra27nOw4IcDSo60lK3Zyn3krDDgqIsTErJt8R-nzcCilG8w3eSBnnq4qjE0DeS0vkBgvLRinw8fLFtY728b61q6ADjP7dlgmQ74C-B8z_QskOtuDdnI5ZNJGZD6OEyqX1tJwoJ9f/s1600/lol+nikhil+after+transplant.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: x-small;"><i>The isolation after being so self-conscious due to cancers' changes, made life dreary, and lasted <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/normal-0-false-false-false-en-au-x-none.html" target="_blank">months before I developed the mentality that got me through it.</a>..</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/dealing-with-loss-survivors-guilt.html" target="_blank">The torture of losing friends, over and over, made me question why I even bothered... living</a>.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/losing-independence-and-feeling-like.html" target="_blank">The pain I still endure every day sometimes that makes me feel the same sometimes...</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><br />And it just keeps going on... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><i><b>There's so many different ways of looking at all that...</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">And I bet immediately, you went to the bad...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">Being told you have a 10, maybe 20% chance of surviving at 17? A relapse? ANOTHER cancer? Your disabilities? Dude... that's horrible... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">But there's also some good in there. T<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">here always is, if you take a step back and appreciate what's gong on in life...</a> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">I mean you could also think, "Wow</span><span style="font-family: "georgia";">.. you had 5 marrow matches? Many don't even get one <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/a-true-miracle-that-didnt-have-to-be.html" target="_blank">(that's something YOU can change - click here to find out how</a>) You've had, and met some amazing doctors and people in your life... you've learned so much from this... you've grown from it all. You're so blessed!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">If you asked <i>me </i>if I feel blessed or lucky, or if I'd do it all over again, </span><span style="font-family: "georgia";">my answer... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia";">would change. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">Depending on the day. On how I felt. On how much pain I was in... Or how much my depression prone mind was affecting me... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">But overall, I am a happy guy. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">The way I dealt with it,</a> by taking a step back, looking at where I was and then realising, when I didn't have emotions stopping me from doing so, that it only made sense to take the path that led me to success... To view the world in the good light, which is always there, and bend my attitude to focus on that so I'd have the best chance of being happy. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">It's made me a man who sees opportunity, everywhere, even where most people see dead ends. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia";">It's made me able to <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/for-those-with-loved-ones-who-are-going.html" target="_blank">laugh at the traumatic stuff I've been through,</a> able to learn from it, and try to help others do the same, rather than being scarred. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia";">It's made me thrive, made my desire to help others a <i>need</i> rather than me curling up in a ball of my own misery...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">At least, it's made me that... most of the time... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">The times I'm not can be horrible, with spells of utter depression that have lasted months...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">leaving me numb, self-doubting, sometimes, suicidal,..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><i>The grief I talked about here is just part of that.<br /><span style="font-size: x-small;">When I'm cramping, and have been for hours, and I feel like I can't do anything, that this body I've been given isn't mine, and isn't worth it... you can understand how I don't really see much point to this all. </span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">But if you asked me how I felt today... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><b>I'd say Thankful. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">Not so much triumphant, ecstatic or gleeful... Though of course, there are hints of that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">Thankful. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">I have suffered, and in the days up to writing this post, I wondered if that's what I'd be focusing on as I wrote this. But no... It's not. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">I'm thankful for this opportunity. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/a-true-miracle-that-didnt-have-to-be.html" target="_blank">This second, and third shot at life I've been given by my donors</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">I'm thankful for the doctors I had who not only gave me premium care, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/an-open-letter-to-doctors-from-scared.html" target="_blank">not only went above and beyond the call of duty</a> to keep me safe, not only listened to me, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoBIoulsjT0" target="_blank">getting me the medicine that's probably kept me alive</a>, but also gave me the words that made me realise I had a CHOICE in how I viewed life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><i>"the good news is, you're 17 and you have leukaemia..." </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">I'm <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/normal-0-false-false-false-en-au-x-none.html" target="_blank">thankful for the nurses I had</a>, who not only were the doctors, the real healers who'd look after me, administering the poisons that brought me misery and bringing me the meds that relieved that, but also be my confidants, carers and friends in all this. My angels. Who I couldn't visit today (I've got an infection I don't wanna spread to other critical patients) but would, if I could, give them the world for the comfort and happiness they brought me in the hardest times of my life... <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/normal-0-false-false-false-en-au-x-none.html" target="_blank">something they do for <i>every single person</i> they care for.</a> </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxbgtcoiVVUMepL7Kq3OCoxsj7GHba1F-2Yxfzg_eXXDKYRJ248-RtsEIaH2OhFCqPWT6-usJNh14YxHTyndf9vIXk0letK6tiRrB_rKe2SFaL-Ajt3utfd2AXXIPoP9KFbGH22rsOk1Pg/s1600/lol+nikhil+22nd+birthday.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="181" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxbgtcoiVVUMepL7Kq3OCoxsj7GHba1F-2Yxfzg_eXXDKYRJ248-RtsEIaH2OhFCqPWT6-usJNh14YxHTyndf9vIXk0letK6tiRrB_rKe2SFaL-Ajt3utfd2AXXIPoP9KFbGH22rsOk1Pg/s320/lol+nikhil+22nd+birthday.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><i>Me at my 18th birthday, when I was feeling so down and out about being THERE of all places, and at my 22nd, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html" target="_blank">when I was told I had a THIRD cancer and needed surgery</a>.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia";"><i>Both times, these amazing angels picked up on it. Both times, they threw me a party. Both times, they showed how </i>much <i>they cared. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">But what I'm thankful for most, is my family. An eccentric, funny, spontaneous father who'd <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/dad-jokester-savior-forgotten-one.html" target="_blank">always be able to make me laugh;</a> something you <i>need</i> in tough times...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">A brother, who's given up so much for me, and continues to do so <i>Every. Single. Day </i>of this young life, despite my being the biggest, baddest, most dickish troll ever... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia";">And a mother, who's done, and would do anything and everything for me. Who's slept in a fold out, often basic chair for <i>months</i> of her life so I didn't have to move that metre and a half to my phone. Who's had to watch me go through hell, ICU, and so much trauma, helpless, unable to make a difference as I did. Who's always there for me, who takes so much of my crap and somehow <i>still </i>somehow not only loves me, but laughs about it, and inspires me... sometimes even as I'm berating her...</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnAZT6lT997LYsm8oHCdX4E5UkBaiBEb88o0eZGIjVmBL46nZzlZG4aHvR7_567Od3SWwX2NNUpE8DwnULx2Hj6R3-pwv4SPr-k22wDx3SOQtuIxtiLlyLH9QiDr9KIYGBaEs20u_j-RYU/s1600/lol+mum+so+selfless.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnAZT6lT997LYsm8oHCdX4E5UkBaiBEb88o0eZGIjVmBL46nZzlZG4aHvR7_567Od3SWwX2NNUpE8DwnULx2Hj6R3-pwv4SPr-k22wDx3SOQtuIxtiLlyLH9QiDr9KIYGBaEs20u_j-RYU/s400/lol+mum+so+selfless.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i>just one example of how my mother, hell, any mother, will be the most selfless, loving beings you'll ever encounter.<br />just wow...</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I'm thankful for you. You guys who've read this, spread it, the friends who've kept me happy, those who've allowed me the privilege of coming into your lives to help, and just be there. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I will do anything and everything to try an make the most of everything I've been given... Starting with this;</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">My idea, trying to hack into the billions of hours we spend online and make good come from it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">to try and help those we love to watch keep doing what they do, for a living</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">to try and make it so easy to help people, by just opening an app, or loading up a site, you can change the world.<br />Tell anyone you know who entertains to join at <a href="http://www.playwel.org/" target="_blank">www.playwel.org ! </a>They won't regret it. For sure</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My only wish, is that everyone be as strong as they possibly can. That they learn from me and my experiences and not wait for tragedy to strike, or circumstances be changed to become the best possible version of themselves. That they be able, and willing to help those who are struggling... That's what my new charity, an app/site - <a href="http://www.playwel.org/" target="_blank">PlayWell</a>, is all about. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And look... if you can do that... then you've made this guy on this day, happy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Thank you. </span></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-36722506900090198042016-05-03T18:10:00.000+10:002016-05-16T17:25:41.959+10:00A True Miracle that didn't have to be... <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/04/facing-fear-pain-panic-and-relapse.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/5-long-years-and-im-still-here.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Next One</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So recently, my uncle's come over from India for a visit. He's THAT uncle, the one who had chronic myeloid leukaemia and was treated at the same hospital, for the same procedure (a bone marrow transplant) by the same doctor, as me. The one I talked about here.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">His story is heartwarming. He got his leukeamia at around the same age as me, he came here, Australia, trusting his life and limb to a foreign lands' systems, and a doctor he'd never seen before and he stayed here with us. I wasn't even 10 at the time. I didn't get what was going on, didn't understand the processes going on in his body. I didn't even know what cancer was. All I saw was his suffering, his progression from a healthy looking, young man, to an emaciated wretch. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But he got better. He went back to his homeland. And after problem after problem, he defied the odds, defied his doctors, and now has a son. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But amidst our long, deep talks, I found out how miraculous he really was. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">See, he was diagnosed in India, and after he was told he needed a bone marrow transplant, it was almost entirely left up to him to find a match. That was part of the reason he decided to be treated in Australia. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There's a 30% chance of siblings being a match. His brother wasn't one. He didn't get one on the bone marrow donor registry. Only 50% of people do... and that statistic plummets when you're of Asian, Middle Eastern, African American or Aboriginal descent. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>A video that explains the process of matching pretty well!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There were other databases to look through... international ones and the like. But my uncle wanted to cover all bases. So he asking all his cousins to get theirs checked. The HLA profile that your donor needs to match to you in a bone marrow transplant, comes from your mother and father. There are literally THOUSANDS of possible combinations of these. The chances of matching to your sibling are decently high... yes. But when you have another family, not blood related on BOTH the mother and fathers' side to you, the chances of a match hit the 1/MILLIONS again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He went to the hospital to arrange the test. But India is a poor nation. And the public hospital he went to had little in the way of resources, yet alone specialised tests and facilities for the complicated, and, at that time, fairly new, bone marrow transplant. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So his doctor was adamant. Given the tiny chances of a match being found, he could only have ONE of his cousins tested. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He was devastated. But there was still one chance. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One of his cousins put his hand up to take the test. But on the day, there was a mix up. His cousin couldn't make it! He was stuck in traffic!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There wasn't much time... he only had one more shot really... So the other cousin was called. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He took the test.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And he was a match. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> A life-saving coincidence. A less than 1/1,000,000 chance... who could have forseen that delay?? Who could have seen that coming?? </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What if it hadn't...</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The thing is... needless miracles need to happen every day to change lives. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I myself was told, after being told I had a 10 or 20% chance of surviving, that my chances of getting a bone marrow match was just as small, as my mother's half of my HLA was extremely rare in and of itself. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I ended up getting 5. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">40% don't even get ONE. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And the craziest thing is... Joining that bone marrow donor registry, hell, joining that organ donor registry <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/bone-marrow-transplants-procedure-thats.html" target="_blank">takes little to no effort at all</a>! </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you're reading this in America... <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/bone-marrow-transplants-procedure-thats.html" target="_blank">all it takes is a SWAB OF THE CHEEK. (Click here to find out how! And encourage your friends to!)</a><br />They take your sample, check your DNA and write down your profile in the database. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In Australia, only a small sample of blood when you're giving blood anyway, which is not only easier than most people think (just a jab, and 5 - 10 minutes), <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/11/5-reasons-why-you-cant-afford-not-to.html" target="_blank">but is beneficial to your health and hip pocket too</a>! <br />You have a 1/400 chance of being called up per year... so chances are you won't. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But when you do... you not only get a chance to save a life... It's actually pretty easy too... </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because contrary to what people think... In over 90% of cases... bone marrow transplants... don't actually involve the bone marrow at all. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What they need are your STEM CELLS inside the marrow. The ones that make blood cells, so that it can repopulate a recipient's blood after it gets hit with chemo, and so that their white cells can kill off any cancers left! Check out the process below. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/2bTCSslVmKs" width="560"></iframe>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's a miracle my uncle is here today. It didn't have to be though. And if anything will convince you to help make this end... it's gotta be this. </span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPBkxIB0znywq-_va1tJsdI_N7CL8qQrschffvj3fFkSsXQbQIGnfQ6O0RDDjD6TM-MK71OqrkLe5KNHlohzEpfLmhumdxh64JAj6qB6ftmA0qZATSbLdQGJdZuHfeP3oVCVzQNFaEsNJk/s1600/navish+gumber.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPBkxIB0znywq-_va1tJsdI_N7CL8qQrschffvj3fFkSsXQbQIGnfQ6O0RDDjD6TM-MK71OqrkLe5KNHlohzEpfLmhumdxh64JAj6qB6ftmA0qZATSbLdQGJdZuHfeP3oVCVzQNFaEsNJk/s320/navish+gumber.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
To join the bone marrow donor registry:</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
http://www.bmdw.org/</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
To become an organ donor: </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
http://www.irodat.org/</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-44774058757638994782016-04-06T17:28:00.000+10:002018-02-17T00:28:36.883+11:00Facing Fear. Pain, Panic and Relapse. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/03/my-second-third-rebirthday.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/05/a-true-miracle-that-didnt-have-to-be.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Next One</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">For the first few months of treatment, I hated
getting needles. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I’d never been afraid of them before, it was only after
getting so many (and having so many miss) that I became frightened of them.
REALLY frightened… I’d sweat at the thought of having one. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">This fear got so bad, that one night I refused to
have blood cultures done by anyone even though I'd spiked a fever while my white-cell
counts were low... an infection then could KILL me. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And I found out what the consequences of that were
the next day, when I got that infection that almost took my life. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It was after I recovered that I realised I’d be
getting hundreds of those things, and worse, over the next year or so of
treatment. I got scared again<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">. H</span>ints of panic came over me just thinking about
them. But I stopped for a second, took a step back from all of that, and asked
myself… <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Why I was scared?</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It was on that day that I realised that the fear I'd work myself up to before they'd take blood was more painful than the
actual jab could ever be. Indeed, that pain was over in a moment… <br />
<br />
What REALLY hurt most was the Worry and Stress I’d feel before that. And in the
end… that was all coming from ME. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">When I kept asking myself why I was putting myself
through that… I had no answer. At that moment I realised the biggest pain we
feel <b>is that which we put on ourselves.</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">That was a huge turning point for me. It was the
night I learnt that it was <b>ME</b> who was harming myself.</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It's not like I cut out that worry immediately
after seeing that... I mean, it's not like I like getting needles now... I
don't think anyone does. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But you know what? I no longer let things I can't
change, or things that have to be, affect me. When I do think about things,
even things much more substantial than a blood test (from bone marrow biopsies
to bronchoscopies to asking a girl out – the hard things in life), I ask myself
why I’m worrying, and then focus on doing everything to get me OUT of pain,
misery (and rejection), and do that instead. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I can promise you that if you can take a step back, and <i>question</i> those fears and doubts in your mind, and do so the next 10 times you go through that, your mind automatically deals with those fears. It dismisses them. I didn't realise it when I first started doing this, but neuroplasticity will rewire your mind to make this happen. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms", sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">It's tough to do so at the start. It's impossible to do it right away. But if you can get your mind on your side, dealing with cancer, and the trauma it leaves behind, almost becomes easy. . </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwzd12c7_nWoEHVIBKhcBJ4lIuvHLWjzuK13jyMjDlRkSdahTysw6CcULlUyhCq8lKsxd8W5C3-H626NAqTu3xCp7SuHFAQHP-xZwYP4qOI_h5Th5WgSwpbkhBJE8HXK6q-XL59S-gH_n5/s1600/actually+me+lol.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwzd12c7_nWoEHVIBKhcBJ4lIuvHLWjzuK13jyMjDlRkSdahTysw6CcULlUyhCq8lKsxd8W5C3-H626NAqTu3xCp7SuHFAQHP-xZwYP4qOI_h5Th5WgSwpbkhBJE8HXK6q-XL59S-gH_n5/s320/actually+me+lol.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Actually how I saw needles back then...</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>Still do sometimes. </i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But that’s the worry and anxiety you get <i>BEFORE </i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">turm<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">oil</span></span>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">How do you keep calm, or stop yourself from stressing or
panicking when you're in the <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">middle </span>of a crisis?</span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Well it was on 1 night, during the workup to a
second bone marrow transplant I needed, that I REALLY put that thought-process
to a test</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I was getting some platelets, and after the bag was
half empty, about twenty minutes in, I noticed my face was starting to itch. In
fact, I found myself itching everywhere, and soon enough, my lips were swelling
up to twice their normal size. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I pressed the emergency button and nurses and the
emergency doctors started streaming in. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">They were amazing, finding out what was wrong,
getting medications up and ready and, most importantly, keeping me calm, so I
didn't end up pulling out my lines or lapsing into unconsciousness. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">It was all going fine... </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Until my throat began to swell. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">That's when I felt myself start to panic. Eyes
wide, I glanced around in all directions, looking for help. I tried to sputter
out what was happening, but panicked even more as I found my words weren't even
coming out. My mind was telling me to lurch out, to pull away at the nebuliser
that felt like it was constricting me, to kick at the nurses and doctors who,
despite all their assurances and calmness, were scaring me with their sudden
presence. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Then, in the middle of all of this, I took as deep
a breath as I could. I stepped back and asked myself WHY. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Why did I want to
pull the nebuliser away? The mask may feel constricting to my face, but it was
the only thing keeping my airways open. Why was I scared that there were so
many doctors and nurses in the room? That they were here was actually a <i>good
</i>sign and that they were calm and focussed meant they'd been through this
all before and that I'd be fine. Why was I panicking about it all? It may be
uncomfortable at the moment, but by simply laying back and observing things as
they went along, and being curious about what was happening (I'll probably have
to be the one administering the care to someone going through something similar
in the future as a doctor-to-be), I'd distract myself from all those things and
recover quicker from this episode. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">By doing that, in my mind, I changed that
experience from a frightening, traumatising one into a lesson. </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And I knew, when I did that, that I could do that
in the most difficult circumstances. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And I have! That same principle… the same way I got
through that, I used to get through my fear of needles, the exams I had to sit
for medical school (when life got back to normal – or as normal as life after
cancer can) and even helped me to not worry as much about the terrible R-word.
It really did.You couldn't help but feel that pang of dread as your doctor called you with results, or as you glimpsed your hospital on the way to work or as you were <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">(</span>and this is something you'd think people would <i>NEVER </i>do<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">)</span> told, yet again, by that aunty of yours about that friend of hers who'd died after relapsing<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">. </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">W</span></span>hat you can control is how you let that control your life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I still have dreams of me being back in hospital. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But instead of letting my mind run circles about something I couldn't control, I decided to focus on the things I could instead. My eating habits, exercise (however much I could) and just focusing on seeing the good and the fun in everything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And soon enough, that does become a habit. You do get out of it. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">Trust me, you do<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And it makes th<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">at anxious time <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">that much better.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR4Hof6z2U8nBGQAXtENWK3dF1F15TQr8EklLKqqlMF_xEIahMIAjgwu3AulH5K7LvpNwP4OsHNnsaWqUGInHDkHCcQzIH1PM5RdmEF7AAyrZIW_AGldbpourDngUXc6Gxj84dNChJLJrL/s1600/relapse.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR4Hof6z2U8nBGQAXtENWK3dF1F15TQr8EklLKqqlMF_xEIahMIAjgwu3AulH5K7LvpNwP4OsHNnsaWqUGInHDkHCcQzIH1PM5RdmEF7AAyrZIW_AGldbpourDngUXc6Gxj84dNChJLJrL/s320/relapse.jpg" width="320" /></a> </span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
Amen, random person!<br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> </span></span> </span></span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But it’s harder to deal with when your mind is rigged to making you feel
scared at the slightest threat. Real anxiety can be crippling... And I went through that for a while…Luckily it was only <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">that.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">During one of my treatments, I developed an allergy
to one of my drugs, a severe one that gave me <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html" target="_blank">seizures, hallucinations and thescariest two weeks</a> of my <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">pretty </span>scary life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But it was after that, when the care of the ICU and
my neurologist dropped away, that I got REALLY scared. Post-hallucination
perception disorder is something REALLY scary. Hallucinations are so life-like,
so real, that after </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html" target="_blank"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">seeing things like I had</span></a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">, I’d not
know what was real or not. When cars sped by, I’d be baffled by how something could move
so fast, when my brother and I played basketball, I’d wonder why it was so hard
to jump up and dunk… I was lost, in all senses of the word. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">A few times, it got really bad. I’d see something
weird and ask myself if this was real or not<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">? <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">W</span></span>hy <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">was<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> I feeling weird? <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">W</span></span></span>hy I
wasn’t in a bed anymore<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">? <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Is </span></span>leukaemia actually a thing<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">? Was this all a <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">cons<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">piracy or <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">some sick prank??<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> A</span></span></span></span></span></span>nd soon enough,
I’d start going through a panic attack. </div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I had a few of these over that time. I don’t even
know how long it went for. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">But after a time, one day, when I started panicking
after I couldn’t puzzle out something I was reading (as you can imagine, novels
and movies weren’t the easiest things for me then…), I stepped back from it all
and took on that observer space again, and thought, “Why not use my hyperactive
mind to pull myself out of this”. After thinking how I could calm my racing
mind down for a bit – <span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">makin<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">g rad<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">ical plans, </span></span></span>becoming fearful of everything as
this happened – I barked at my brother who was standing nearby to get me the
iPad and put on an episode of Tom n Jerry. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt-eXu3A4dYeKdPhevh8GP0HaeJGssiK2_RO984VcO1yIQBQqN9-sCkBBz4ExKMqmXV_xegGokBH6ea7PM8q6aRQwdgJSot21kWhDxu-7cExDGZgYc6pDpLX5yV_3oP_jLuOw9Tny-GEp9/s1600/tom+n+jerry.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgt-eXu3A4dYeKdPhevh8GP0HaeJGssiK2_RO984VcO1yIQBQqN9-sCkBBz4ExKMqmXV_xegGokBH6ea7PM8q6aRQwdgJSot21kWhDxu-7cExDGZgYc6pDpLX5yV_3oP_jLuOw9Tny-GEp9/s320/tom+n+jerry.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">As I watched the thoughtless humour that abounds
when a senseless enemy tries to corner its wily foe, my mind slo-wed down to a
point where I could manage it, and I realised that this was something that
could help!</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">I watched what must have been hundreds of
Tom-n-Jerry videos in those times, but what really got me through that is
something you need to deal with any mental illness. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">A plan. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">After thinking about it, with a clear mind, it
wasn’t just the watching of mindless things that helped me get through an attack.
It was having my family on the side - <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">having
someone to talk to</b>. It was stopping myself from getting an attack, or
getting stressed out in the first place – <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">not
worrying about the things I couldn’t control</b>. It was telling the doctors
about it, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">and getting help</b>. Trust me
– seeing a psychologist isn’t as scary or weird as it seems. In truth – it was
just us having a chat for me. The fact that they weren't going to judge me, that, hell, I didn't have to see them again was comforting. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And after that chat, I realised that those steps
are exactly what you need to get through this. They don’t require any crazy
amount of willpower or bravery. They’re something ANYONE can do. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt;">And if you do those things, you can beat any demons
that plague you!</span></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-47351197764718308262016-03-01T18:34:00.000+11:002016-04-12T16:41:51.646+10:00My Second Third Rebirthday.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/02/10-things-every-cancer-patient-should.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/04/facing-fear-pain-panic-and-relapse.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Next One</a><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">No that isn't a typo. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Yesterday, the day before and today has been my second, third rebirthday. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Confused? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Well it makes sense. See, 3 years ago, on the twenty-eighth of February, a bag of murky red fluid was put up on my infusion pump in the depths of St Vincent's Hospital. These cells were extracted from the arms of a stranger, transported 4000km to my room to be given on that exact day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Thing is, I had a reaction to that bag of stem cells mixed with white cells and the occasional platelet, leaving me slowly puffing up like a balloon as puckering red rashes appeared all over my body. The doctors tried every different drug they could before finally listening to me, the patient, and using what had worked before (funny story about that, that still gets Dad mad to this day) to get the cells in. If they weren't done by a certain time, I'd be stuck in this awkward position of having no bone marrow while having to either wait a few weeks for the kind, 59 year old gentleman who they'd tapped to replenish himself, or a few months for another donor (I was lucky enough to have 5, when half don't even get 1) to be screened and approved as a match. Not ideal. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">By the time it was done, it was March 1st. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So my transplant, the thing that's brought about a completely new me (stem cell/bone marrow transplants are the only way you can change your blood type!) happened from the 28th of Feb to March 1st. Naturally, the last few years, I've been milking it, and asking for 2 presents (and 2 cakes) to celebrate my, technically, 2 rebirthdays. It's actually 3 if you count my first transplant (that happened in September 2011). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This year, with the leapyear throwing another entire day in the middle, it's gonna be 4. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So I'm gonna have 5 birthdays this year. Better get 5 gifts *hint hint mum*.,.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But this/these ones are the most special...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>The second, worst day of my life</i></span></div>
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<i>I had to live it... All. Over. Again. </i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I relapsed a year after my 1st transplant, my doctors were already pessimistic about my chances going into a second transplant. After I developed an allergy (t<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html" target="_blank">hat left me hallucinating in ICU for a few weeks</a>) to the best immunosuppressive drug that's vital for transplant, they were seriously recommending palliative care as one of the options... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That relapse was a slow process for me. My counts had started dropping in June, 2012, and for a long time, we weren't sure why. My bone marrow appeared almost normal. No other sings of disease or infection were there. My doctor was stumped. He thought it was a bone marrow failure, that my donors' stem cells couldn't produce cell in my bone marrow anymore. We were getting second opinions from everyone we could get our hands on as I slowly moved from 1 transfusion every now and then to 3 a week, plus injections to boost my white cells. We got 3 opinions from "world leading haematologists" in the US through mum's work. And they all said the same thing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Relapse. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">On the outside, I was in a state of denial... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ANYTHING But That.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">My parents were baying for answers. I was actually in some kind of shock, in a mode where I didn't really wanna know, just living life in emptiness as I waited for the balloon to burst. As </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I got tireder and tireder, as time between appointments got shorter and shorter and as I felt the palpitations of my straining heart grow stronger and stronger, an impending sense of doom came over me. I knew in my own heart that this was it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I kept on doing normal things anyway. Going to uni, playing basketball, trying to ignore that little voice in the back of my mind that was growing stronger and stronger, in line with my body's slow deterioration. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A biopsy in October confirmed it. It was happening. My chances, this time, less than 10%. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And at that moment, everything I'd done til that moment fled my mind. My happy-go-lucky attitude, my focus on my health, this certainty I'd had after going through all this that I'd get through it... my composure. All gone. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What Was All That For???</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Why Now???</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'd done everything right... WHY ME, AGAIN???</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I stayed that way for weeks. A cycle of going from shock, to feeling numb and feeling angry. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But after a while... I took a step back and wondered, "What was all that accomplishing?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Nothing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Except making me feel worse. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"What should I do instead?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When I asked myself that... The answer was clear. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Prepare for that next step. And try my all to do <i>anything</i> to make it work. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But unlike when I was diagnosed, I didn't wanna lose the anger. I made it work for me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I scoured the internet, my library, journals... looking for anything that could help me, anything that could be the answer. I started out looking for the <i>real </i>answer. As if this wasn't it... Probably the denial. I remember trying to convince my doctor I had somehow contracted Dengue fever, and that that was what was causing my low platelet counts... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But when I got back on track, as I was looking through anything and everything that could help me... After weeks of using my newfound year of medical knowledge to try and understand the disease and find logical treatments or ideas that could illuminate one way to go, I started looking at the drugs they give for leukaemia usually... And if any could be used in me again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And that's when I found out about Azacitidine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I didn't just find it... I proposed a mechanism of action of its working post transplant to increase the immune effect bone marrow transplants work on, that my doctor couldn't refute. And that drug, after my second transplant, is probably the reason I'm still here today. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I was extraordinarily lucky to get the drug in the first place. My doctor wrote in, using a loop-hole he found in one of my first biopsies to argue that I did qualify for it. Hell, I was extraordinarily lucky to get the option of having a second transplant in the first place!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm extraordinarily lucky to even have been here. To have an amazing family who puts up with my crap, as well as my health. To have doctors who've helped me so much, medically, and as friends... nurses who are second mothers and fathers, a medical school that wants me to succeed and some special friends who make it all worthwhile. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I'm lucky to get to this point, where my relapse rate is less than 1%. </span><br />
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<blockquote cite="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar/posts/10204250741303816:0">
Ok I got some pretty awesome news from a haematologist I saw last week =] The last time I saw him, I'd been told by my...<br />
Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar">Nikhil Autar</a> on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar/posts/10204250741303816:0">Wednesday, 1 July 2015</a></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">Holy Shit!</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">I'm Cured!!!!!</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know I'm lucky to get here... But I don't always feel so lucky... In fact... the last year or so in particular... I've hardly felt that at all. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/02/whats-going-on-my-eye-opening.html" target="_blank">I lost an eye</a>, I nearly<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/06/my-eye-opening-experience-part-2-its.html" target="_blank"> lost the other</a>, my treatments got harder, while getting less and less effective, my cramps got worse... <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html" target="_blank">I developed a third cancer</a>, I found out (recently) my nerve damage that's causing my daily, debilitating, cramping is likely to be permanent... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">There's not too much to cheer about... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm doing everything I can. Often, I can't really do anything... I'm <i>STILL GOING THROUGH THIS SHIT</i> after 3 years!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I'm not sure it'll ever end... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I <i>hate</i> watching a basketball game, or even kids running down the street, knowing I can't do any of that. I <i>hate</i> that I can't go and do the normal, or even basic things that my friends cn. <i>I hate</i> that I can't work on the things I should be able to, or that I can't put my all into them. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And though I keep taking that step back, and reminding myself that that doesn't have to limit me, that I can still do the one thing that matters; <i>THINK</i> and that my new normal can be <i>better</i> than the old me if I think about it that way, that doesn't stop the pain I know is coming, the struggle to do any menial task or the burden it puts on my family who deserve much more. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It sucks. And contrary to outside looks... it does get to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I realised something the other day. Something I've realised a few times, and kept stored in my head, only to forget about it next time something goes down. It's this. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"I w</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">as feeling really horrible; had minimal sleep (the cramps are keeping me up again), forgot to bring my creme to hospital, leaving my skin feeling crappy and overall, just feeling like i was trapped in this shitty body. But after joking around with a patient (he was doing a walking test, going back and forth over the length of the clinic... i asked him if he was lost) and the cleaners... i suddenly found a r</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 17.5636px;">eason to smile again. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show" style="display: inline;">Goes to show that you can be much happier if you focus on others rather than yourself <i class="_4-k1 img sp_fM-mz8spZ1b sx_5371b4" style="background-image: url("/rsrc.php/v2/yx/r/pimRBh7B6ER.png"); background-position: 0px -340px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: auto; display: inline-block; height: 16px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"><u style="left: -999999px; position: absolute;">smile emoticon</u></i><br />I'll remember that for next time!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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"You'll always have a second way of looking at things. When you come to some trouble, when you're not happy, when you're scared or when you're doubting yourself - if you can take a step back and question all those things - you'll be able to see that. </div>
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I guess sometimes it takes more than just that to get back to you. Especially when you're in pain for so long. Especially when you're depressed.<br />
When that happens, and you find something that helps you get out of it - you need to REMEMBER THAT. What causes it. Write it down. Tell others around you about that. And next time, if you find yourself feeling confronting the same thing, you'll get through. With much less pain.</div>
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These systems are what keep you happy. It's what can help you get out of deep, dark holes. It's what can help you succeed in life. It's what can keep you sane.</div>
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And I'll definitely remember that for next time."</div>
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<br /></div>
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And applying my own logic to myself... I guess the last thing I should talk about on this day is someone other than myself. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
These amazing 2 men who gave up a few days of their lives to give me a second chance at mine. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've talked about how <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/bone-marrow-transplants-procedure-thats.html" target="_blank">bone marrow transplants - on the donors' end - really aren't as hard as people think</a>. What with the non-invasive swabs or blood tests that allow you to get onto the donor registry, and (in the 1/400 chance you're called up) the peripheral stem cell collection procedure, which is pretty much a slightly longer blood plasma donation, it's easier by far than what the wider public believes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But without the efforts of people like these, I, and thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands of people, would never have gotten another chance at life. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 6px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">YOU could be one of those people! To find out how to sign up for your local bone marrow donor registry, and more about the procedure -<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/bone-marrow-transplants-procedure-thats.html" target="_blank"> click here!</a></span><br />
<br />
And finally - thank you guys who are reading this.<br />
<br />
It's been a long journey. But you've made it better. The chance to help others while often only being able to sit around at home is something I've been blessed with. And be sure... I'm not gonna stop, nor am I gonna waste this opportunity I have.<br />
<br />
Anything you guys ever wanna talk about - I'm just a message away -- Details on the side of the page - or just message me here: www.facebook.com/musingsofamedstudentpatient</div>
</div>
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</div>
Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-80417407381731041402016-02-15T18:16:00.002+11:002016-03-01T19:47:27.392+11:0010 Things Every Cancer Patient Should Be Told At Diagnosis.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<o:p><span style="font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/02/dad-jokes.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: left;" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: left;" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small; text-align: left;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/03/my-second-third-rebirthday.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman'; font-size: medium; text-align: left;" target="_blank">Next One</a></span></o:p><br />
<o:p><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>This post itself is the draft of one that's getting published in USA Today for Blood Cancer Week. And because it's blood cancer week, I don't go into surgeries too much... that'll be another post!</i></span></o:p></div>
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Being diagnosed with cancer is the single, most devastating
thing that can happen to someone. The sudden confrontation with not just your
mortality, but the ways of the hospital, the unravelling of lives around
you and the angst at the scary prospects in your immediate future is
something no one can shake off easily. <o:p></o:p></div>
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But there are many things that can help make it easier. And
while I truly believe that you always have a second, more positive, more
constructive way of looking at things, it takes time to do that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So without further ado, here are the 10 most important
things I’d tell anyone, including myself, who’d just been diagnosed with a
blood cancer. <o:p></o:p></div>
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1)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Ask as much as you can, and ask if it can be
written down or summarised.</h4>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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A lot of information is thrown at you almost at once after
diagnosis. And pretty much all of it is useful. Not only do you find out about
your cancer, what type it is, and what the likely treatment you’ll get is, but
also how you’ll get info on where to go, who specialists for heart, breathing,
or, if you’re young, fertility doctors are (all things you have to go
through/get tested prior to chemo). Things that aren't easy to remember after hearing horrible news. Studies show that you only retain 15% of that first consultation...<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s also wise to have a pen and notepad handy, from day
one, not just to help remember/note down important information, but also to
write down the hundreds of questions that’ll come to your mind. I remember I
was in shock, especially at the beginning, but my family had plenty of things
they wanted to know, and since then, this habit’s helped ensure those questions
I had or those sensations I felt at 2 in the morning were dealt with.<o:p></o:p></div>
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These days, a smartphone will work just fine too! And they
double as great entertainment. You’ll find out that often your biggest enemy
during treatment is boredom. Just remember to finish that level of Candy Crush
<i>AFTER </i>the<i> </i>doctors have left the room!<o:p></o:p></div>
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2)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]--> Build an
army</h4>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s often said that at your darkest hours, you’ll find your
truest friends. But why leave it to chance? Many people shut themselves off
during their battle, for various reasons. I understand. My family didn’t wanna
burden family and friends with what was going on. It's personal. But I, at a 17 year old kid
in hospital needed friends, or, at the very least, to keep up with what was
going on.</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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My posting the news on social media was the best thing I
could’ve done. You’ll be surprised by how many people will surprise you if you
give them the chance. And they did. Not only my friends, who’d message me with
a joke, or asking me how I was at the wee hours of the morning, but also family
and family friends who came through to support my family. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Not everyone knows how to handle the news, I barely knew how
to myself. But those who did reach out, changed my life. <o:p></o:p></div>
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You don’t have to do it as drastically as shouting it out to
the world as I did, you can restrict it to those closest to you. But cancer can
be a lonely thing. The battle’s much easier when you have others by your side. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXRoSHLEHp0FkhCvu8rm9cwFOn_q2gcDMAf3IrfKunGNV4yD3IJV8bg9eAIkI-MXJHd1JJp7XU8r5PfwpsIFOY4dAUcSMZQr8Utq6w0GDy79h9eyg-HxPXoidZMF2iiv5aCTNuy_xnqDvq/s1600/army+of+mums.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXRoSHLEHp0FkhCvu8rm9cwFOn_q2gcDMAf3IrfKunGNV4yD3IJV8bg9eAIkI-MXJHd1JJp7XU8r5PfwpsIFOY4dAUcSMZQr8Utq6w0GDy79h9eyg-HxPXoidZMF2iiv5aCTNuy_xnqDvq/s1600/army+of+mums.jpg" /></a></div>
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<i>An army of mums. Let's just say, I was never hungry during chemo when I wasn't forced to be :P </i></div>
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<i>Some still bring me food 'til this day!</i></div>
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<h4 style="text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
3)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Don’t be afraid to reach out online either.</h4>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I had personally developed this strong attitude, this
ability to reason my way through any doubts and fears I was having until I was
only focusing on the things I could control; my healthiness and my happiness by
the time I was coming up to my first bone marrow transplant. But when I heard
about what was coming next, after all that had happened so far, those old fears came back again. <o:p></o:p></div>
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It was only after I met this lady, Colleen, who’d been
through 2 transplants herself, and heard her story, that I could move past that. Her warnings and and the tips that came from her experiences just seemed to <i>stick </i>more. Her just being there showed me that there was another side to this all. And when
she came around every Thursday to visit me and others on the ward, made the journey
that much easier.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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But not every hospital has a patient on standby who’d been
through what you had. Not every person will click with someone else. And that’s
where the internet can come in handy. There are many programs run by great
organisations, like the Leukaemia and Lymphoma Society’s Patti Robinson
Kaufmann First Connection Program, and Stupid Cancer’s InstaPeer for younger
patients, that can connect you to
someone who’s been through what you have. And there are many forums, writers
(*cough* me *cough*) and social media platforms (*cough* me *cough*) that can
help you find someone, or a group of people, who share your experience. Though
no two patients are alike, there’s a good chance that someone, or somewhere out
there lies salvation. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<h4 style="text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
4)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Don’t trust everything you see and hear on the
internet though.</h4>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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Though there are many great things about the internet that
can make your life that much easier, there are a few things to look out for
too. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Though patient groups can be hugely empowering, and can link
you to friends that last more than a lifetime, it’s important to remember one
thing I mentioned above; that no two patients are the same. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Your doctors are the most qualified, able people to guide
you through treatment, if only for the fact that they’re the ones immediately
examining you. Although it’s not a bad idea getting a gist of others’ general
experiences, and emotional support, taking medical advice, or taking their
experiences to be gospel truth of what will happen to you isn’t as good an
idea. <o:p></o:p></div>
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There are also many alternative treatments, ranging from
juices to herbs, to supplements, to electric-shock therapies run, suspiciously, just
over the border on the internet. While claims of their effectiveness and
testimonies can make them seem like the real deal, remember, even Paris HIlton
has a website. Would you take her fashion advice? Maybe, if it was 5 years ago,
but let her be your doctor? I think not.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtVV80xDd8rgZu1zbyds7or_s3nweQE4g9JD4oOVcuIWPYKxho4pxK7pnnsIpNIqg-8cFtKGnnir2x7-a3Yn-Btnm5XI5lBPEKxwqPN3Bgw_kkcHjpvicJDIbpfGHV7kNeayBJ-xuosuwM/s1600/alternative+medicine+that+works.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtVV80xDd8rgZu1zbyds7or_s3nweQE4g9JD4oOVcuIWPYKxho4pxK7pnnsIpNIqg-8cFtKGnnir2x7-a3Yn-Btnm5XI5lBPEKxwqPN3Bgw_kkcHjpvicJDIbpfGHV7kNeayBJ-xuosuwM/s320/alternative+medicine+that+works.jpg" width="221" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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That’s not to say that those treatments have no merit
whatsoever. Who knows, some of them may have some positive effects, others may
make you feel well overall, which isn’t a bad thing. But there are some that
are outright harmful.</div>
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<br /></div>
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At the very least, clear things with your doctor, and
don’t throw aside medicines that have proven effective on thousands, often
hundreds of thousands of patients for something that’s not.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Often, there’s no reason you can’t do both. Things like
yoga, eating more vegetables and not-too-strenuous exercise regimes just lead
to good health overall. In fact, they can help. Exercise, for one, has been
proven to greatly reduce the side effects of chemo. That's something EVERYONE in chemo should be encouraged to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<h4 style="text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
5)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Don’t let the word chemotherapy scare you. </h4>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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I won’t kid you, chemos aren’t fun. And many are still brutal.
But as years have gone by, many new and more targeted therapies have emerged,
causing less side effects while also being more effective. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Many chemos don’t require you going in to a hospital room at
all. And the major complications of many chemos can often be mitigated by greatly
improved anti-nausea and pain medications and the like. It’s not like the old
days anymore... My last chemo, I didn’t notice it other than some mild nausea at
the beginning. A targeted chemo I was on, only gave me a slightly elevated blood pressure on my first infusion... I didn't even feel that! And a maintenance one I was on didn’t affect me further than a
bit of tiredness towards the end of the month either.<o:p></o:p></div>
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But even if it is bad, which it still often can be, remember - <i>there’s
always a reason they’re doing this to you</i>. Everyone focuses on the fear
of chemo (a very reasonable fear), but remember, it’s also medication. The <i>very
thing that can get you out of the mess</i>, and back to a semblance of real life.
That’s what I focused on during the rough patches, and, though it didn’t
mitigate the pain, it kept me looking towards the future. And that itself made
it bearable. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6qxZpNisENMiL8pnUXIU4AK7YhEQqN0Z55w0SJ5GPM1ovXC9ddaQ_MWuEPVuoVZl4bkAdnqFxKb1He1DtKml2AWvYu6ERe2WUu1GrYCIP6TkNEd-lk5ZjSq4RSy-EoJE8uBkkS_cMYgp5/s1600/funny+stuff+during+chemo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6qxZpNisENMiL8pnUXIU4AK7YhEQqN0Z55w0SJ5GPM1ovXC9ddaQ_MWuEPVuoVZl4bkAdnqFxKb1He1DtKml2AWvYu6ERe2WUu1GrYCIP6TkNEd-lk5ZjSq4RSy-EoJE8uBkkS_cMYgp5/s1600/funny+stuff+during+chemo.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglyrTg8mFQVjiYxH5u2XS439Bcy5zwvETuChTlCRIiLUADcPCoFXB60NfCvvvUB8yEfO48Mcdrx22DjuW8kDb_n0cq3ISov3CTuF52WKDQcQqQZ3XkRTDqIhdonUZ5c2KU46yN2x_FrEDE/s1600/funny+stuff+during+chemo+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglyrTg8mFQVjiYxH5u2XS439Bcy5zwvETuChTlCRIiLUADcPCoFXB60NfCvvvUB8yEfO48Mcdrx22DjuW8kDb_n0cq3ISov3CTuF52WKDQcQqQZ3XkRTDqIhdonUZ5c2KU46yN2x_FrEDE/s320/funny+stuff+during+chemo+2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Another side effect of chemo... but as you can see, you can have fun with it! I used to surprise my nurses each day - one haircut one day, another the next! </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">But don't EVER feel self conscious of yourself... I wrote a post on <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/normal-0-false-false-false-en-au-x-none.html" target="_blank">how to get over any self consciousness you may have here</a></span></i></div>
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<h4 style="text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
6)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Infection control is VITAL</h4>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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One of the more threatening side effects of many chemos for
blood cancer patients is neutropenia – the loss of the cells responsible for
your immunity. Chemotherapies often target fast growing cells and your bone
marrow, which houses the rapidly-dividing blood making stem cells of your body,
is one of the most affected regions, which is why this happens. <o:p></o:p></div>
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During the weeks you are neutropenic, take every infection
control protocol possible. It’s impossible to avoid all infection; most
actually come from INSIDE your body. But why add fuel to the fire? These
measures are generally simple ones, things like washing your hands with soap,
or alcohol sanitizer before all meals, rinsing with mouthwash, and taking those
medications/lozenges your doctors prescribe you. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Any sick family or friends, or young children are also
people you should avoid. Though visitors often brighten up hospital stays, and
allow loved ones some measure of comfort too, remember you can always see them
once you’re better! If it's a must, take precautions, maybe consider wearing a mask. </div>
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Avoid large crowds, and maybe consider taking a mask around
with you just in case someone sick happens to sit down next to you. It's <o:p></o:p>a handy tool! Even if it does make you look like a duck...</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The ‘neutropenic diet’ is also something you may hear about,
but don’t worry, it doesn’t take huge willpower and require you to guzzle down
horrible tasting green stuff either. If anything, it’s the opposite (at least
on the salad front)! Uncooked salad, raw cheeses and things that may have been
sitting around for a while are off the menu during those vulnerable times. Foods
you have should be fully cooked too. That reduces the chances of any unwanted
bugs that your immune system or intestinal bacteria would have normally killed
off causing you harm. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Simple things like this can be the difference between an
uneventful stay in hospital and a long one. So make sure you do them! <o:p></o:p></div>
<h4 style="text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
7)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->The practicalities</h4>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are many small things that will be the last thing on
your mind during the first few days that can make your life easier. Try and
sort them out before going in. Much easier than worrying during treatment,
believe me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Things like making sure your insurance knows, or what you’re
covered for. I’ve found out, sometimes afterwards, more and more these days,
before, that my insurance could actually have paid for some of my stuff! Indeed, one of the drugs
that would have set me back thousands of dollars ended up being one hit they
could take for me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sorting out parking, and familiarizing yourself with routes
and protocols for hospitals, emergency rooms, pharmacy dispensaries and the
like are also things you’ll need to know. Your social worker is often your best
friend in all this. The work they do is incredible, and things like letters to
schools/work, support grants from charities, and support networks - they know them off
the top of their heads! So, if you haven’t been introduced to one, ask for
them!</div>
<h4 style="text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
8)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Boredom… and waiting will suck. </h4>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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The biggest enemy in hospital is often boredom. My doctors
used to say “If you’re bored, that’s good. It means you’re not sick.” But after
a 55 day stay in hospital, you get to a point where you wouldn’t mind the latter… Books ended up being my
saviour. There’s only so many movies and TV shows you can watch. For others, it
may be cards, or crosswords, or chats or Skype or Facetime. Things like that
make your stay that much more bearable, and can be a vital distraction in rough
patches. So get them sorted too!<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfvFnCXrDvLK_pdL8ASytycm3Mt9efiasSaJGDOVzihaixJSO3rwsn5JXC4CHJmKZx16DNL4krmJFialUJ3IEfG9Z3lGFqV3BvAG6IM0mnc7u2HcRzbqZQJyy1Srn581G49kIk0t3ejRVG/s1600/parties+in+hospital.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfvFnCXrDvLK_pdL8ASytycm3Mt9efiasSaJGDOVzihaixJSO3rwsn5JXC4CHJmKZx16DNL4krmJFialUJ3IEfG9Z3lGFqV3BvAG6IM0mnc7u2HcRzbqZQJyy1Srn581G49kIk0t3ejRVG/s320/parties+in+hospital.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i>Parties in Hospital? And I was bored?? Haha my 18th birthday in there!</i></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<i><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/humour-in-hospital-2-ups-and-downs-of.html" target="_blank">A story about how I smuggled a newer, bigger (40inch!) TV into hospital that'll make you laugh =P</a></i></div>
<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And waiting, though it sucks, will become part of your life
too. In hospital, a 9am X-ray could mean anything from 3pm to 9am the <i>next day, </i>which can SUCK if you're forced on a liquid diet and chug down that horrible hospital broth...</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And the waiting rooms you’ll
be forced to sit in after treatment is done is something else you may have to get used to. It's something that has to happen in emergency. If you were in a horrible spot, you'd wanna be seen first too, right? But otherwise... it's just frustrating. But that's where those books, and those games come in handy! So don't forget 'em!</div>
<h4 style="text-align: left; text-indent: -18pt;">
9)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->Your nurses are your best friends</h4>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
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Honestly, I felt my nurses were the real doctors in
hospital. They’d not only care for me, 24/7, but also hold my hand in painful
procedures, take time to sit down and chat to me, and, importantly, my family.
They were my best friends and second mothers/fathers in the toughest times of
my life, and I can’t thank them enough. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They don’t even need your thanks. It’s what they do. But
anything you can do to make their life easier will be hugely appreciated! Being
polite and friendly, making sure visitors/family members aren’t in their way
and every now and them, asking them how they are every now and then can make
their lives better, as well as yours - that can make <i>their</i> lives easier. And what better feeling is there than helping someone who's helped you? </div>
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<br /></div>
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'Til this day, some of my most cherished friends are my nurses. I can't thank them enough. And they mean the world to me. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
<br /></div>
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<blockquote cite="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1900152558639&set=a.1835749548604.88628.1686444229&type=3">
My hospital room =P (itss true btw)BIG <3 to the nursing staff. The gals (and 1 guy) have been sooooo good to me and <span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">have made me realise that nurses are the true "doctors" in hospitals... they really do all the work, doctors just take the glory haha </span><i class="_4-k1 img sp_fM-mz8spZ1b sx_d580ab" style="background-color: white; background-image: url("/rsrc.php/v2/yx/r/pimRBh7B6ER.png"); background-position: 0px -170px; background-repeat: no-repeat; background-size: auto; color: #141823; display: inline-block; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; height: 16px; line-height: 18px; vertical-align: -3px; width: 16px;"><u style="display: inline !important; left: -999999px; position: absolute;">grin emoticon</u></i><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">They work tooooo hard, a lot of worked 2 shifts in a row for a couple nights in a row (thats 18 hours straigh</span><span class="text_exposed_show" style="background-color: white; color: #141823; display: inline; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">t) because people that caring are sooooo hard to find and they're sooo undermanned. If you ever find yourself in a hospital (god forbid) and have to wait a while, please give these angels some consideration... They're really the crust of humanity and deserve more than they're getting. </span>Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar">Nikhil Autar</a> on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1900152558639&set=a.1835749548604.88628.1686444229&type=3">Friday, 1 July 2011</a></blockquote>
</div>
</div>
<h4 style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
10)<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal;">
</span><!--[endif]-->You can, and WILL still smile. </h4>
<div class="MsoListParagraph" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Those first few days after chemo were the worst of my life.
Fear, anger, tears, depression and this one question, “WHY ME???” kept swirling
around in my head and heart. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nothing anyone could say could console me. I still remember
crying into my mothers’ arms for a day straight. I still remember being in what
could only be described as shock as I walked through my home, and patted my dog
for the last time before treatment, 2 days after being told “The good news is,
you’re 17 and you have leukaemia, but the bad news is, you’re 17. And you have
leukaemia.” <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was only after a moment of sheer and utter desolation
that I decided to try something. I took a step back, looked at what had
happened to me as if it had all happened to someone else, and thought, what I
should do. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I did that, I realised that though it did suck, in the
end, it was me, MY BRAIN, my mind that was causing all my angst. I hated that
feeling, I didn’t wanna feel it… so why was I doing that to myself? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What should I do instead? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I realised I was focusing on the things that had happened.
Those I couldn’t change. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why not focus on the things I could instead? <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My health. Following doctors’ orders, being as fit as I can,
doing anything and everything to increase my odds that tiny amount more... And just being <i>happy</i>, and <i>me</i>, all those times I could.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yes, it’s impossible to do that all the time. But if you do
the same thing I did, every time you feel that way, you’ll see that going
forwards and taking the path that leaves YOU happiest and healthiest is the
only <i>logical</i> thing to do. And that makes it something a<i>nyone</i> can do. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="border: none; mso-border-bottom-alt: dotted windowtext 3.0pt; mso-padding-alt: 0cm 0cm 1.0pt 0cm; padding: 0cm;">
And I hope all this makes your journey that
much easier. <o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. No-one ever should.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But I hope all these things can help make your life that
much better. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Feel free to talk to me, or to read all the other things I have here on my cancer journey. It's all to help people like YOU. </div>
</div>
Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-77496475623286969052016-02-04T13:16:00.000+11:002016-04-12T16:40:20.035+10:00Dad Jokes<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/11/how-it-feels-to-have-chronic-illness.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/02/10-things-every-cancer-patient-should.html" style="font-family: 'times new roman';" target="_blank">Next One</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> During my time in hospital, and the months, years now of near isolation afterwards, my mum was the heart and head of my whole treatment. Keeping me safe, making sure I was comfortable and never alone, coordinating EVERYTHING that came with the cancer treatment, all while working, completing her MBA and keeping the house in order too (I still don't know how she did it)... all those things. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But if she was the heart, Dad was the <i>soul</i> of my cancer "battle". He kept me smiling, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/11/you-wont-believe-what-my-friends-got-me.html" target="_blank">organized surprises</a> and <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/a-great-surprise-from-great-friends.html" target="_blank">events</a>, just him being the larrikin, the easy going person he is made my life that much easier. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The best thing he used to do though (and still does to this day) - was his jokes. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But a joke is wasted, if not told. And though he delivers those jokes with the best of them (even jokes I've heard thousands of times, I don't mind hearing again when he tells them)... he sends us these crackers that he "makes up on his own" all the time. So without further ado, I'll throw in his best ones, so hopefully you too can laugh no matter what too. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><u><b>Facebook Banter </b></u></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Dad and I have a hate-hate relationship on <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Facebook. When<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ever we get the <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">chance, we take cheap shots o<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">n eachother. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I mean whenever... Once he hacked my Facebook <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">and shared all the dirty pictures he could. Le<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">t's just say I had a week of <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">explaining to do... plus a<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> f<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ew friendships tainted... </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But this one was gold. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">t was plastering day at<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> med school the other week<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, and<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">my tut<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">orial happened to be <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">on April Fool's day. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A GOLDE<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">N opportunity to <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">freak <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">out my parents, right??? </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Wrong. Because as I <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">posted this.. he snuck in with this gem. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8rAjqTCjpsVELB-iP9IKL3EehygMgjS0Defmm1A-Kx0ws3qNp21SWG4_ljE8w_6d6-OGAKqXs4mhvSj30w-t49RdMkwwoSn9fRR4OnUnaEN61pJPGe6qhriKE1hJ5MlT7N65PIgLW4zJU/s1600/dad+ripping+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="405" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8rAjqTCjpsVELB-iP9IKL3EehygMgjS0Defmm1A-Kx0ws3qNp21SWG4_ljE8w_6d6-OGAKqXs4mhvSj30w-t49RdMkwwoSn9fRR4OnUnaEN61pJPGe6qhriKE1hJ5MlT7N65PIgLW4zJU/s640/dad+ripping+me.jpg" width="640" /> </a></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I'm not even mad... My Autar... take a bow. But I'd watch out for next time if I were you...</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"> I mean c'mon, his comment got more likes than my pic. I COULDA BEEN DYING GUYS!!!!!</span></div>
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<h4 class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Some of his "original jokes" that he kept saying to keep me smiling in the tough times. </span></h4>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><u><b> </b></u></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Why We Pay Upper Management the Big Bucks</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><br /></b></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">"How much money do you make a week?"</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make a little over $400 dollars a week, why?</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The CEO said,"Wait right here."</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">He walked back to his office, came back </span><span class="aBn" data-term="goog_379060300" style="background-color: white; border-bottom-color: rgb(204 , 204 , 204); border-bottom-style: dashed; border-bottom-width: 1px; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px; position: relative; top: -2px; z-index: 0;" tabindex="0"><span class="aQJ" style="position: relative; top: 2px; z-index: -1;">in two minutes</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">From across the room a voice said,</span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Marriage Training</b><br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></b>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: Dad, I want to get married. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: First, tell me you're sorry. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: For what? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: Say sorry. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: But for what ? What did I do? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: Just say sorry. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: But...what have i done wrong ? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: Say sorry! </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: WHY? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: Say sorry!! </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: Please, just tell me why? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: Say sorry!!! </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: OK, Dad...i'm sorry! </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: There ! You're finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Here comes the Bride</b><br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></b>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The mother agrees. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.” </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">She immediately replies, “The one on the right.” </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?” </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The mother replies, “I don’t like her." </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Report Card</b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: Absence. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: You were absent on the day of the exam? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I feel sheepish for sharing this one... </b><br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></b>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.” </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Polly want a WHAT?"!?!!</b><br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></b>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">A man went to a pet shop looking to buy a parrot. The shop had several parrots but one was priced much lower than the others. When the man asked why one was so much cheaper than the others, the pet shop owner assured the man that he did not want the cheaper one because it had a very foul mouth. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">"I've tried everything, but I can't get him to stop cussing", he explained. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Eager to save some money, the man bought the parrot, sure he could teach the bird not to cuss. He too tried everything to stop the parrot's foul mouth. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Finally, in frustration, he put the bird in the freezer to cool off. After a few minutes, he opened the freezer to find the parrot with a totally changed attitude. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">"Please, I'll NEVER cuss again! Please let me out! By the way, what did the chicken do?"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">You can't teach common sense</b><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip. They set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father woke up his son. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: Look up to the sky and tell me what you see. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: I see millions of stars... </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father: And what does that tell you? </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Son: Astronomically, it tells me that, there are millions of galaxies and planets out there! </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">Father slaps the son hard on his hand and says, "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>The ol' rancher.</b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?" </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "HEY HEY!!", tugging his shirt, "SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The glass is always half full.</b><br />
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></b>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">This poor man is facing surgery on both his feet because of severe wounds. The doctor has warned him that he cannot tell how bad the damage is until he gets him in the operating room and he has prepared the man for the worst. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">After surgery, the man is slowly waking up and he sees the surgeon approaching his bed. The doc looks at him and says, "I have good news news and I have bad news - which would you like first?" </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">The man nervously responds, "Give me the bad news first." The doc says, "I had to take both your feet" </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">"Oh my, what could possibly be the good news?" says the man. </span><br />
<br style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;" />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;">"The guy in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers!" </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 15.3333px;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15.3333px;">I'm gonna keep updating this with more laughs and videos of some stuff he's done too! Not to mention the post with the dirtier jokes he's shared with me in another post soon...</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15.3333px;">So make sure you subscribe here, like<a href="http://www.facebook.com/musingsofamedstudentpatient" target="_blank"> Musings of a Med Student Patient on Facebook</a>, check out <a href="https://www.youtube.com/user/NikhilAutar/videos" target="_blank">my YouTube</a> and all the <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/humour-in-hospital-1-mary-johnson.html" target="_blank">other funny posts on this blog</a> (look under the "Humour in Hospital" section) and hopefully, dad can keep you guys smiling too =] </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #515153; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 15.3333px;">It isn't always easy, but you can always find something to smile about during your toughest times. All you need, at times, is a little push to remind you of that.<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank"> How I used my mind to stay as healthy, hearty, and, most importantly, happy during my cancer journey.</a> And still do to this day. </span></span><br />
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Dad, in any photo. Can you figure out which one is dad?</div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-62717081720426070512015-11-12T17:37:00.001+11:002016-02-15T18:37:56.560+11:00How it Feels to Have a Chronic Illness. And How to Explain it to Normal People. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/a-great-surprise-from-great-friends.html" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2016/02/dad-jokes.html" target="_blank">Next One</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> "How are you going these days Nikhil?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It'd been literally half a year since I'd seen this group of friends - my med student buddies - and I had to do the rounds. This question came up a lot. And almost always, it was about my health. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"So yeah I'm actually good!" I'd always start, smiling and gesturing wildly so as not to worry anyone. "In fact, my cancer's at a point now where it can't come back!" And to this, I'd get an emphatic 'Congratulations!', a shout of yipee and a toast and the occasional pat on the back (*wince* - I have some healing wounds <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">there tha<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">t aren't getting better<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> fast...</span></span></span>). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"But yeah otherwise, treatment for the graft versus host disease continues. And I mean though the skin is slowly getting better, the major thing left is the cramping, which can suck." The faces become more sallow as I say this. "But hey, they're getting better too!" I lied, and again they'd celebrate, albeit slightly less enthusiastically. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Hey<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">! </span>What could I tell them? How could I explain to them the truth of how it affects every single aspect of my life. Even in this crowd of young, caring people, there was no easy way of really telling them what it really meant...</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">I don't think people really know how much this can affect me...<br />Me getting up for the 10th time or something some night. Mum filmed it 'cause they kept me from sleeping for so long, we thought we may have to show it to the doctors ASAP.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And after a while... explaining it over and over again takes too much effort. Hence this post. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I guess you could argue that it's hard to really talk about anything over the insane amounts of decibels that blast through a nightclub's speaker. I guess you could say that lambasting about the constant frustration and the looming anxiety of something you can't control for half an hour would break the social convention of small talk. But in truth, now that I think about, there really isn't an easy way to explain how it <i>really </i>impacts your mindset, a chronic condition. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because unlike what most think, that frustration, that anxiety, the physical effects of a chronic illness - that's only half the impact. Chronic diseases, mental illnesses, even things like stress affect our very mindset<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, t</span>hey play a factor in every tiny decision we make and it was only after reading <a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/" target="_blank">this amazing article/blog post </a>that I feel I'm properly able to explain that now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">It's only half the pain... but that pain can be significant. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's called the spoon theory, and the concept is brilliant and encapsulates everything there is about having such an illness. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Picture yourself having to walk around all day with 12, and only 12, spoons. Each little action you take - you get one confiscated. I know it's in-feasible to have someone follow you around all day, and I know that handing one in may be conceived to be another action that requires another spoon that ends up in an infinite loop leaving you with no spoons, and that there may be all kinds of other particulars that may <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">make this<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">nonfunctional</span></span></span>... Hey, I said it was a great analogy. Not a perfect one. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I digress. Now... where were we? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Every single action.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Waking up and hopping out of bed<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">? That'll be<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">o</span></span></span>ne spoon.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Finding the will to get up and brush your teeth. One more. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Doing other... business... in the bathroom and then showering. Another one.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Putting on your clothes, eating breakfast and going out for the day's business. 2 more please. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We've only just left the house, and we're down 5 or 6 spoons! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You may think I'm exaggerating, but that's life for so many people. People with cystic fibrosis, people with heart failure or latent blood cancers, people with horrible cramps like me will find some, most, even all of those tasks tiring. Right now, I'm scared of even getting up from a seated/lying position after 5pm, in fear of my whole body having EVERY SINGLE muscle contract at once (from my legs to my abs, to even my neck), leaving me dazed and staggering, doubly terrifying if I'm trying to get up steps (I've fallen twice already, which may have caused soft tissue damage in my knee) - even gasping wildly for breath (</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">getting up and staggering to the car <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html" target="_blank">was what took me in to hospital the night before I found out I had another tumour growing on my rib</a>). </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Me a few weeks ago. Facebook usually isn't somewhere you post your down moments. The image of themselves as successful, happy people that people like to portray, combined with life highlights usually drowns out moments or cries out to nobody like these. I guess I'm lucky to have some friends who saw and cared to ask. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">P</span>eople going through severe depression find getting out of bed to be impossible. It's too painstakingly hard to face the day or the world for some, too lonely for others - it's unsurprising that it makes no sense to many - <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/10/dealing-with-depression.html" target="_blank">and leaving that fi<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">rst </span>confine costs them significantly more than 1 spoon. </a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Now imagine
the feeling of having to give that spoon up. Each. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A</span>nd. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">E</span>very. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">T</span>ask.<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Y</span>ou<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. D</span>o. And imagine having to
account for and plan out everything around not only your medications and appointments over the days/weeks/months to come, but also for how many "spoons" you have
left. Yes... sometimes you can have a "feel" for things and plan accordingly... But remember, often your condition can be unpredictable... leaving you caught with even less. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And imagine having to pass up on doing things that are good for your career, good for you, or the things you love because you simply don't have, or can't afford the energy to do so. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So, where were we? Ahh that's right... The rest of the day. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">w</span>hen you get through the day's work or study, with travel, dealing with setbacks, explaining things like this to people and - could you imagine - kids... you're left staggering around with 1 spoon<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I</span></span>f you're lucky. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And if you're lucky enough to have the will, or else prop yourself up by speaking motivational nothings to yourself (or by taking heavy amounts of Beroccas or even stronger stuff) and manage to head out the door to "enjoy" yourself as I did that night, you'll pay for it by having a semi (if that) rewarding night and by being forced to watch on jealously as "normal" people enjoy things like dancing, drinking and eating (don't forget, the physical restrictions ALWAYS stay with us) and even walking without a worry. And if you wear yourself out too much - you'll pay by having a few less spoons to use the next day. That's <i>if</i> you haven't worn yourself out already before you've even had the choice to go and have fun.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Because yes - you DO pay if you go over the limit. Harshly. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And no... you don't get a break from it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Ever.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For some... especially those who are poor (it's hard to get extra qualifications or backing <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">for your business</span>, or even a job in the first place with this on your record) this can become a cycle that just continues on and on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This thing looms over you, and drains you<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, in all ways,</span> forever. And I may complain about it - I, hell, anyone with any such draining condition (no matter how "petty" or "whiny" it may seem) have the right to do so no matter what - but there are so many people who have it worse. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have the benefit of having a year off from studies, so I can, when I'm well enough, accomplish other things despite this. I also have a family, all amazing people, who care for me and do everything - from fixing me meals <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">and</span> taking me to appointments, to dragging me to my bed (which actually happened after that party 2 nights ago as my muscles were drained from enjoying myself and dancing for a few minutes) when I need them to. I'm still young and can look forward to a potential future without this. So many people DON'T have that luxury. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Imagine being blind and having to rely on that carer<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">,<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><a href="http://honisoit.com/2015/08/to-the-best-of-my-ability/" target="_blank"> or services that may<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, </span>or may not exist</a>, </span></span>all <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">the </span>time. Imagine having inflammatory bowel disease or <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">some </span>form of incontinence that means you have to rush to the bathroom (which you always have to be aware of, not just because of the embarrassment this could cause, but <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">actually be aware of if they<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">'re close</span></span>) at any second of the day. Imagine being a carer for someone with that illness and having to not only watch on helplessly as your loved ones struggle to juggle their spoons, but have to take on <i>their</i> spoons yourself - as you work 2 or 3 jobs to cover the bills, or give up YOUR happiness to do so... as my brother often has to. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Imagine having had this your whole life, and knowing that this may well take your life, as people with cystic fibrosis and other chronic, right-now-deemed-terminal illnesses do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's scary<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">.</span> I know. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But as the lady who invented this spoon theory said in her original post... this can also be seen as </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #fcf6fc; color: #222222; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/" target="_blank">"<span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">a</span></span> blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do. Do you know how many spoons people waste everyday? I don’t have room for wasted time, or wasted “spoons</a>”. And if you're lucky enough to have a friend or family member or patient who does have such an illness... if they're with you... remember that <a href="http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/" target="_blank">they "chose to spend this time with YOU</a>." </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #fcf6fc; color: #222222; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I hope this gives you a glimpse of life as a chronic patient. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #fcf6fc; color: #222222; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br />I hope this allows you to forgive "misgrievances" anyone with an illness may have committed - whether it be them having to bail at the last moment on a meeting, ski<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">pp<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ing or else refusing to take medications because they<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> honestly forgot or are <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">sick of taking them,</span></span></span></span></span></span></span> or them just simply pouring their heart out and letting people know what it feels... I've seen so many people cry things like "Bullshit!" and "Pussy!" when people "whine" about things like this.<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #fcf6fc; color: #222222; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Remember - <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/11/frustration.html" target="_blank">these things take a <i>huge </i>emotional toll too</a> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/11/frustration.html" target="_blank">(my experiences with it. And how I deal with that)</a>. It's <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">not easy <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">hearing "you look good"<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">, or "you look better"<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> when you <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">feel l<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ike the co<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">mpl<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ete opposite. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's not easy <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">having to e<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">xplain <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">everything, <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">often lying<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> about your health just to <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">make others happy too. <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The frustration of this thi<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">ng <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">never leaves you too...</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span> <br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #fcf6fc; color: #222222; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #fcf6fc; color: #222222; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">And finally, I hope this let's you understand those people in your lives who do have extra issues always looming over them. And I hope this urges you to go and ask them if they're OK, and equips you to maybe help them. </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #fcf6fc; color: #222222; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #fcf6fc; color: #222222; display: inline; float: none; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; text-align: center; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Because who knows. Someone you love, or someone you care or are caring for may need your help. </span></span></span></div>
Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com393tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-65749224735822640912015-10-02T17:37:00.001+10:002015-11-12T17:57:02.167+11:00A Great Surprise from Great Friends! Things like that are what you need sometimes...<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/the-best-motivation-ever-is-one-that.html" target="_blank">Last post:</a><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/11/how-it-feels-to-have-chronic-illness.html" target="_blank">Next One</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">So I was at home, very tired, as I went on a fishing trip yesterday on the boat (it was great, even though I ended up cramping for the rest of the day =P I'm not at my best and it was a 6am start!), but I had to go somewhere - hospital, not as a patient, but to meet a friend actually.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And god... I couldn't be stuffed... And it probably wasn't healthy. But I'd made a promise. And I knew I'd actually have a good time. So I was texting a friend, ready to go, when Mum came in. She'd had a day off, and was eating food when she saw me getting up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"No Nikhil, take it easy today." she said through a mouthful, rushing to sit in the chair beside my bed. "It's my day off today, stay home with me. C'mon, Nirav's making lamb curry too! Oh, and you had a big day yesterday, you need to rest."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"Jeez mum, I gotta go!" I said, dragging myself up, shoulders slumped. I wasn't feeling my best but I <i>had</i> made a promise. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">After a bit more insisting though, she lured me into conversation, urging me to stay, annoyingly, inbetween topics, and eventually, I gave up and texted the friend saying "I'll catch you next week!" before slumping back into bed, muttering under my breath about how annoying it was to have such a clingy mum...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Then I heard the door open. And a few voices. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Odd... Dad had just left for Melbourne for a family function. Nirav, my bro, he wouldn't have gone out... he was midway through cooking...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Then Nirav himself popped into the room, too soon after the groan of the front door (he couldn't have gotten up that quick surely), absently checking in, a slight smile on his face for some reason.... </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It was clear, at least, that someone was home...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And then these guys popped in, handing me this mysterious bag - a gift - and I couldn't stop smiling!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It was my basketball buddies! Since high school (I got sick in the last year of it), it was hard to catch up with anyone - we were so far away, broken up and separated, in the new friend groups we'd developed at Uni and Work. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But a tradition had begun, and I'd joined in on it, of always catching up and playing basketball for HOURS on end in our mid-semester breaks. And it was glorious! The best times of high school came back in those few hours, where our less fit versions of our young selves tried to resurrect our mostly lost talent.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><br />The last few ones though I'd missed. You know... things like <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html" target="_blank">a third cancer popping up outta nowhere</a> and <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/06/my-eye-opening-experience-part-2-its.html" target="_blank">nearly going blind</a> tend to impede my perfect jump shot and awe-inspiring dunks... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I REALLY wanted to go! But I knew I couldn't, so I'd always post "Sooon!" or "Devos!" when that notification came up on Facebook...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But hey! They'd brought it to me this time! And they'd also gotten me the perfect gift!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">A PERSONALLY SIGNED Steph Curry (the MVP of the NBA this year, possible/probable contender for the greatest shooter EVER) Jersey!! </span></div>
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Not by Steph Curry... by my basketball buddies. but hey, I'll take what I can get =P </div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The gift was perfect not only because my raw shooting talent and touch at the 3 point line has been compared with some of the greats, but because Nirav was making them, lamb curry (watching Jerry - the strapping lad on the right - barely gulp it down, even with 10 spoons of yoghurt after that, and sweat from the heat was classic!), because I loved the way the team played and most importantly - because the Number - 30 - represented something amazing!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It took my a while to guess why. They kept urging me to anyway... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"Is that Shaquille O'Neal's number?" When I was in year 7, I'd had my growth spurt before the other kids, and was, let's say, "well rounded", so I had the nickname Shaq on the court. Maybe that was it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"My scoring average?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">"How many girls I'd been with?" (to which I had multiple scoffs, and cries of "Bullshit!") </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">The actual answer took me a while. But with a few hints, I'd got it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It was 3 - 0. My Record against Cancer. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Bloody awesome! A LOT more symbolic than <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/11/you-wont-believe-what-my-friends-got-me.html" target="_blank">this other gift I'd gotten from mates during chemo...</a> And sooooo cool of them! I'm still smiling as I write this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I'll keep it forever, that's for sure - never to be washed again, to keep their signatures on. I know they're shaking their heads as they read this (I used to always be known as the guy who sweated so much he could slip between players, so an unwashed shirt would be POISONOUS almost I'd say)... it's just how I roll Haha!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">There's another awesome aspect to this gift though.... They'd been planning this for the last few months. Some of you who follow my Facebook page may know that I was in hospital during my birthday... again (I've also spent my 18th in hospital, alone almost) and that despite the suckiness, a few acts of kindness made it an amazing day... Especially ones like this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> (<a href="https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10204487882272192&set=pcb.10204487963154214&type=3&theater" target="_blank">do click and read it - the full post is here</a>. My nurses gift to me as soon as it hit 12, straight after I'd mused about how sucky it was to be stuck there on the day. This, and a shot of morphine for post surgery pain. What more could you want?)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">These boys had actually planned this surprise for me then! But circumstances had stopped either me from being there, or them being available. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And today was the perfect day. Not only because I was missing out on some of the best fun that was our quarterly basketball meet-up - but because there's been tension going on at home for a bit too... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">It's hard being a chronic patient... I've talked about that a lot. <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-04/caring-for-carers-as-cancer-rate-rises/6672266" target="_blank">But it's just as hard - if not harder - being the carer of one</a>. "T</span><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #111111; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">hey're the ones that have to be stronger than the patient, to hold them." as my mum said, perfectly. Which is hard to do when you're feeling helpless as your loved ones go through pain...</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #111111; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And the last few weeks especially have been especially painful. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/pain-and-suicide.html" target="_blank">The cramps that have plagued me for the last year and a half</a> have come back with a vengeance after one of my treatments (Ironically, that treatment is supposed to <i>take away </i>the cramps... Hopefully in the long term...) started. I had 2 doses before the surgery in August, and 2 doses afterwards. And each time... the cramps had gotten <i>ten times worse </i>after them! The next few days after a dose, I'd LITERALLY cramped 24/7... I didn't get any sleep then. Even now, every time I get up, I cramp, and new areas are involved, like my neck, and possibly even my esophagus, close to my windpipe. So I'm not only cramping, I feel like I'm choking too... </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #111111; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">In this time, I've often reverted back to the level of a baby again. I'd scream out "WATER!" and someone would have to get it (I couldn't get out of bed - hell - I couldn't even roll over and sip it half the time. I have a pack of straws handy by my bed), "MEDS!" and they'd sort through the pile of them on my desk and give them to me, "FOOD!" as I found myself hungry, at the oddest hours, and unable to get it...</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; color: #111111; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">And they'd be there. Everytime. Sometimes after a bit because they were busy (or in the case of my brother, playing games, which I'd scream at him for afterwards, as it'd often leave me no option but to hobble over, crouched in pain, to get what I needed)... but they'd not JUST be there,<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/dad-jokester-savior-forgotten-one.html" target="_blank"> they'd do awesome stuff like this today to keep me <i>HAPPY </i>too!</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #f9f9f9;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #111111;"><span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;">It's the other stuff though... the driving me to poker (the one and only thing that gets those annoying cramps off my mind), to dropping me to occasional adventures with friends, the annoying "Get the remote!", "Find my phone!" and, the too-usual "Can you find my <insert item here>", NOW please!" - that they were understandably frustrated about. </span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;">But they didn't get that <i>I </i>was frustrated too. That these things - I needed them to not just feel normal, but BE SANE. That I WAS giving up things - I could've gone to hundreds more parties, events, games in that time frame but I didn't to keep them happy, or because I was afraid of their annoyed reaction. And they don't realise how crappy it feels to see that begrudged, annoyed face when you're in pain, thrashing around in bed; when you NEED someone to help... and they hate always being the one to do it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;">They've said some horrible stuff to me. And I've said horrible stuff back. I've screamed at them... too many times.. and it happens over and over again, as the annoying disease (graft versus host disease) beneath all this threaten to bubble up and burst in our faces week on week, month on month, year on year... </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;">But it was THEM - as well as my friends - who made this happen. They kept it secret for a good 2 months, planned for it to happen on multiple days, only to have it knocked back because something came up, and made it happen today... after we had a HUGE fight last night. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;">Many people... possibly even me, would stay angry, cut the cord on something awesome like this, even HATE someone after that exchange. But not this awesome breed of people... not my awesome carers. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;">I take them for granted, and keep being horrible WAY too much. But I'm changing... slowly but surely, things I outlined here... and I'm also resolving to keep doing that - and take the next step. Not lean on them for those extra things like poker nights and parties. Maybe I'd miss out on some, and be trapped at home... but hey! In the end I, my thoughts, my mind, determine whether I'm happy or not. And, as <i>I</i> always say - there's always 2 ways of looking at things. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;">Missing those things will give me time to work on better stuff!<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/how-im-planning-to-cure-cancer-my-big.html" target="_blank"> Like this.</a> </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #111111; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #f9f9f9; font-size: 15px; line-height: 20.001px;">But all in all... I'd like to say thanks. Not just to Jerry, Eric, Adrien (the boys in the photo), Lucas, Harry, Tony, Nick and Michael (the ones who signed and chipped in for the jersey itself!) - but also Mum, Dad and the Bro for doing this to make me happy. Even though sometimes, I don't deserve it.</span></span></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-8624777847111646842015-09-06T01:30:00.001+10:002017-08-19T21:14:49.717+10:00Dad. The Jokester. The Savior. The Forgotten One.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/losing-independence-and-feeling-like.html">Last post:</a><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/how-im-planning-to-cure-cancer-my-big.html">Next One</a><br />
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Dad. My Forgotten Carer. For best results, and to watch all the videos - read this on the website.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I've talked a lot over the last few weeks and months, and years as well, about how much I'm thankful for my family; my carers. But though <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-04/caring-for-carers-as-cancer-rate-rises/6672266" target="_blank">I've talked a lot about what my amazing mother has done</a>; her sleeping by my bedside, being there for me, every day of my life, even before diagnosis (no matter how badly I treat her) and though I've <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/to-most-amazing-people-i-know-thanks.html" target="_blank">dedicated an article to my amazing brother</a>, who also despite all the jokes, the trolls and sometimes abuse I hurl at him, is always the first at my side when I'm screaming out at night in pain; I haven't really talked about my Dad as much. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I guess it's hard sometimes for men to express one anothers' appreciation for eachother. I'm fine with it... I love the fat bugger, and though I love hearing his dismissive, embarrassed reaction when I sneak in a little "I love you" over the phone, or as he hands me something, I really do mean it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">One of my favourite Youtubers showing how awkward it can be at times for many Dads to hear those three little words.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So why haven't I thanked him yet? As he rightly deserves? Well... I guess it's harder to describe his role and make it seem really meaningful. Mum - well, she was a MACHINE, the <i>brain</i>, the <i>torso</i> of this movement. Always keeping us going. Keeping us protected in advance, booking appointments, looking after me most of the time; all the while somehow working and keeping the house in order too. Nirav, my brother, <i>the limbs</i>. Since he could drive, in the middle of his last year in high school, he was given the keys and made to dart around Sydney, moving bags of clothes, delivering boxes of food, taking me to appointments, and, more recently, events where I could have fun (when the parents were unable or unwilling); all at the expense of HIS own desires. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But where would dad stand? What would he be in this, the body section of my life? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Well... I've got to say. He's been the heart. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It's not that he doesn't do the practical stuff. Oh no - he's there when we need him most, taking his fair share, often more, of the shifts when I was in hospital, or when I needed to get to an appointment (and couldn't get myself there). He's there for me when I need him too... catching me, both literally, and figuratively, whenever I fell. I still remember the words he said to me one night, when he cradled me, like a baby in bed again, and I asked, I pleaseded softly, "What's the meaning of this all? Why do we live? Why do we do this?" He didn't know it at the time... <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/dealing-with-loss-survivors-guilt.html" target="_blank">But I was in severe, clinical depression, struggling to come to terms with the loss of a friend.</a> And it was those words that got me out of it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>But I'd say the most important, most impactful role in this journey was his relentless quest to keep me smiling. </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And by god he did that part of his job well.</span><br />
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Always making light of any situation. Dad constructs a shrine, with offerings to boot, for himself as he wins Sunday morning tennis (for once). </div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When you feel like you're at complete bottom in life... Humour can be a great way to distract you from your troubles. Or even make them feel trivial. And there were MANY instances where he managed to do that.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I remember almost straight after diagnosis, the day after I think, when I was allowed home for the last time before chemo. One of the things you gotta do before you start any (well most) chemos, as a young man at least, is store sperm for the future. Many chemos can leave you temporarily, or even permanently infertile. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So there I was, still shocked, still in denial, still afraid of what was to come the day after these scary doctors told me I had a tiny chance of staying alive; a 17 year old, shy, somewhat repressed kid sitting in the middle of this waiting room with 3 or 4 other dudes, holding a small little cup in my hand with my Dad next to me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I still remember the weird, slightly disgusted look the receptionist gave me as she handed me the cup. I can still feel the judging eyes of the others in the room as I looked down, avoiding eye contact. In my mind, I was picturing them shaking their heads, muttering, softly, about the sin I was about to commit. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">To be honest, I didn't know what to expect myself. Was I just supposed to awkwardly excuse myself and somehow find the inspiration, amidst all that, to, to put it bluntly, blow a load in a cup? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But then Dad leaned over and whispered this joke in my ear. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>"The Queen was inspecting London General H0spital one day, when suddenly she noticed a man in his room, masturbating furiously..."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I shook my head slightly, amused. The Usual. Dirty. Dad joke was incoming...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>"In shock, she turned to the doctor and asked, 'What the hell is this? How dare he do this in front of ME!'</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>But the doctor replied. 'Oh no Your Highness, this man has a condition where he produces too much sperm. He needs to release himself every few hours or his organs may fail!' </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>The queen nodded, still shaken, and walked further down the ward, and noticed another man in his room, this time, getting a blowjob from a nurse.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>'And what's this then?' the Queen said furiously. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>'Same disease. Better insurance.' "</i> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">A typically crass, typically DAD joke, in a typically awkward situation. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But that one joke eased that tension, and amazingly... it made me smile. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>That was the first time I'd done that since diagnosis. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And then with a pat on the backside and a whisper in my ear, "Time to spill it" he left me walking, still embarrassed, still self-conscious, but still, trying to smother a smile, into that room. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And since then he, and I, as I've learned (some may say, been corrupted) from his antics, have done SO much more. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you thought that joke was dirty... you should see some of the chain emails he sends me. He always happens to have a perfectly suited joke f0r any moment. But some of the more spontaneous moments we've shared have been the most hilarious. The ones that made me forget the pain, the ones that got us <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/humour-in-hospital-2-ups-and-downs-of.html" target="_blank">AND the doctors</a> and <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/humour-in-hospital-1-mary-johnson.html" target="_blank">nurses laughing</a>, the ones that picked me up. At least half the "<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/11/you-wont-believe-what-my-friends-got-me.html" target="_blank">Humour in Hospital series</a>" features him - <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/my-huge-clock-best-present-ever-humour.html" target="_blank">check em ou</a>t if you still want a laugh after all this. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But of all of the funny moments over the years, this would have to be on of our favourite, and one of my brother (Nirav)'s least favourite. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/humour-in-hospital-2-ups-and-downs-of.html" target="_blank">I'd say it just narrowly trumps the time Dad and I cracked up in the lifts (once we were safe), after smuggling a 40 inch TV into the hospital without anyone noticing</a>. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One morning after a doctor's appointment, this was not too long after my second bone marrow transplant in 2013, we got a call from Nirav asking us for Red Rooster, his favourite fast food joint. So we decided to get him some. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Moral of the story... be careful what you wish for. </span></div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar/videos/10200475675169522/">Trollin the bro - What Cancer Patients Do In Their Spare Time #4</a><br />
So we went out for a hospital appointment and got a text from my bro to get him some Red Rooster.Moral of the story... Be careful what you wish for...We actually picked out red ones for this purpose ahahahaha<br />
Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar">Nikhil Autar</a> on Monday, 9 September 2013</blockquote>
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So we went out for a hospital appointment and got a text from my bro to get him some Red Rooster.Moral of the story... Be careful what you wish for...We actually picked out red ones for this purpose ahahahaha<br />
Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar">Nikhil Autar</a> on Monday, 9 September 2013</div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Poor Nirav was sick at the time, and so keen to get some good food into him, I almost feel bad for doing this looking back. But then I watch it one more time, and see his typical, "I-want-to-be-mad-but-I-can't-believe-they-did-this", smothered smile, and laugh again.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Unfortunately Nirav ends up on the butt end of a lot of our practical jokes...</span></div>
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Hey guys - we have a new hammock!!Had...<br />
Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar">Nikhil Autar</a> on Wednesday, 15 May 2013</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That was actually an accident. But still, no regrets. For best results - keep your mouse clicking at halfway through that video and replay his face as he gasps over and over again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">Disclaimer... no children were harmed in the making of this production. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Dad would also keep me busy, and exercising a lot of the time. And part of his job as chief entertainment officer (CEO he calls himself) was to get me out and doing normal stuff. For a long time in my recovery phase, he and I would go watch a movie every Monday night, when the tickets were cheap. He was the one who'd urge me, drag me to start exercising after a chemo of Bone Marrow Tranpslant; starting from me on wobbly feet, only managing to walk laps in the pool, to full blown runs and games of tennis every afternoon. That's nothing when you think about the hours of training he put in with me to prepare me <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQaCFJ41k-M" target="_blank">for that amazing 200km ride we did to raise funds for cancer research</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But the thing I looked forward to most was when he took us out on the boat to fish. </span></div>
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Deep sea fishing on a chartered boat!The fish is a morwong (aka sweetlip, deep sea bream) - this was after pulling up other fish and 500g sinkers in 50 - 100m of water all day haha. It's tiring stuff but fun nonetheless!<br />
Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar">Nikhil Autar</a> on Wednesday, 23 January 2013</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This was me about a few weeks after the second toughest chemo I'd gotten, a mere month <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html" target="_blank">after I had seizures and consequent hallucinations that left me in Intensive Care for 2 weeks</a>, a few weeks before I started work-up for my second transplant. Some would say it's a bit rash to be out on a boat, in the middle of the ocean, then. But hell. Dad's training, juicing (well, he did the whole juice thing for a week before deciding it was too much) and motivation got me to a stage where I was ready for it! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But of course, not all these moments were flashy. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He's not well known for sharing, both on the plate and on the boat.</span><br />
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Sand shark that I caught today =] About 1.2m took 20 mins to pull up.<br />
Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar">Nikhil Autar</a> on Saturday, 25 January 2014</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The fish was on MY LINE, and I was pulling it up, but dad thought my hook was "snagged"; stuck on the bottom or on the reef. In his very words, he said "Oh, it is a fish!" before deciding to reel it up for himself, taking all the glory, despite me doing all the hard work in hooking, and getting it off the bottom. To this day, we still argue about whose fish it was. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">C'MON THOUGH - IT WAS ON MY LINE!!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">(I'm sure he has a response to this coming...)</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But this was one of those more memorable, one of my most favourite moments. I was cramping, a lot one Sunday morning, and just stuck in the shroud of fear, frustration and gloom that pain brings. Then I hear Bon Jovi playing in the computer room, three sets of walls away, my Dad's voice booming horribly off key over the top. After a while, and a few more '80s classics, (with a few Indian classics throwin in between of course), he barges into my room, ushers me and my sleepy brother into the next one and together he and mum serenade us with karaokes and dances of the latest and greatest Indian Pop. After a few minutes of me complaining about being dragged out of bed, that "my poor muscles were too cramp-prone to sing and dance along", I found myself belting out classics and dancing too. After a while, the playlist turned to one of Dad's favourite songs - Mumford and Son's "Little Lion Man,". As his favourite bit, the long banjo solo, came on, I had the genius idea of drawing a Guitar on his Belly. The rest is history folks. </span><br />
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What cancer patients do in their spare time #5Drew a guitar on Dad's belly... was not disappointed.#superstar #guitarhero #partylikearockstar<br />
Posted by <a href="https://www.facebook.com/nikhil.autar">Nikhil Autar</a> on Saturday, 21 December 2013</blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">He's not perfect. He's had his share of gaffs and failed jokes inbetween. And he is NOTORIOUSLY lazy. "If you want something done, don't nag me, tell me once and it'll be done in 3 - 6 months" is his favourite mantra, to mum's constant irritation. But he, almost single handedly, has been the reason I've been able to smile, and thence been able to help others through this blog over the past few years. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And I can't thank him enough for it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>I'm surprised I'd forgotten to officially, on here, 'til now. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But over the last few years, the last 6 months in particular, we've started getting frustrated with eachother. I'm now 2 and a half years post second transplant. This graph that one of my transplant doctors showed me... one that showed that where I was at now was where the people surviving was essentially the same... that I was essentially cancer free FOREVER - took me out from under my feet...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But though my chances of relapse are near zero now... I'm still suffering. The nature of the bone marrow transplant procedure, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/bone-marrow-transplants-procedure-thats.html" target="_blank">one that's designed to get another person's immune blood cells, and hence, immune system (as white cells are included in that, and as blood stem cells are found in the bone marrow) being produced inside me to kill off any cancerous bone marrow</a>, means that it can, in 30-70% of cases, have long term effects. Though we're matched perfectly in terms of tissue, there are slight differences between my donor and my immune system still, so his white cells are attacking parts of my body; namely my skin, my muscles/nerves (the probably cause of the cramping) and my liver in a process called Chronic Graft versus Host Disease (cGVHD). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The chronic nature of that disease, as well as the unexpected, yet all too real, surprise diseases that seem to come my way <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html" target="_blank">(a second seizing episode</a>, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/02/whats-going-on-my-eye-opening.html" target="_blank">my left eye being blinded</a>, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/06/my-eye-opening-experience-part-2-its.html" target="_blank">nearly followed by my right</a> and <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html" target="_blank">another, completely different cancer appearing in my rib</a> to name the most serious of those) has made it very frustrating for me, but also for everyone at home. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm supposed to be getting better after all this. Getting back to real life and getting back to being me, right? But for the last few years, I've been unable to get back into study, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html" target="_blank">unable to be independent for months on end (causing me, and my family grief)</a>; just unable to get into a constant rhythm as disease after disease and setback after setback came up. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And somewhere in that time, we began to fight. Over HOW I was approaching my diseases and my life. And one key theme that keeps coming up - Why I won't believe in, and take any alternative medications or try any alternative things to treat, or at least ease my symptoms. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/09/alternative-medicine.html" target="_blank">It's not that I don't, I understand that many of our medicines came from traditional medicines</a>, that these medicines and techniques may have an effect <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/04/how-doctors-think-are-doctors-arrogant.html" target="_blank">that hasn't been studied, or can't be studied using modern science</a>, and often say that "I"m happy to try it. Just make sure it's safe and unobtrusive." But he tries to convince me, urges me to "believe in the medicines", and that they work. </span><br />
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<i>Wheat grass juice. One of the alternative medicines I tried while I was relapsing that failed to live up to its "miracle cure" status...</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I mean, I can't do that. I don't feel I need to. The mindset I used to overcome my whole disease in the first place relied on logic. I'd take a step back, take away all the doubts and fears with questions and analyse the options I had and take the one that seemed most promising. When I was diagnosed, that option was "<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">Go forward, thinking and focusing on the present, what I could control, rather than the past</a>." When I relapsed, and was told I had a tiny chance of survival, that I should consider palliative care, that option was "Look for anything and everything that could help in the literature. Analyse HOW they worked, so I could apply it to my case, and present it to my doctors convincingly, so they did do a second transplant", something only possible with a years' medical knowledge under my belt, something that's probably the reason I'm still here. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I can't do the same with homeopathic drugs, <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/mar/11/homeopathy-not-effective-for-treating-any-condition-australian-report-finds" target="_blank">which have never shown, in any trial, ever to have an effect</a>, nor with meditation, herbs, tinctures or other things no-one really understands. He insists that I should look to others who have been helped by those methods - friends and family who have benefited, and copy their methods. But they haven't had the same disease at the same severity I had, most examples had no correlation with me whatsoever, and one guy who he'd gotten his "research" off for a fruit called soursop (which has been warned to cause peripheral neuropathy and <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11835443" target="_blank">'Parkinson's like' symptoms, both things which are present in me</a>, which could make the ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE the cause of my horrible cramps) <a href="http://www.drkbanerjee.com/index.html" target="_blank">doesn't even SEE most of his patients</a> - he does them online... so he'd have no clue what issues I had. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The other major point of contention is how I do TOO MUCH for others in my volunteering, blogging and charity activities... But first off... I feel I don't push myself too hard for others; I've realised and <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/dealing-with-loss-survivors-guilt.html" target="_blank">understood that to help others, first you need to be healthy yourself</a>, second; that it's given me inlets to so many opportunities and meet so many amazing people, and finally; he doesn't understand that the purpose I've set myself, to try and do my all to help others, is <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/01/dealing-with-loss-survivors-guilt.html" target="_blank">THE THING THAT KEEPS ME GOING</a> when <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/pain-and-suicide.html" target="_blank">the world seems bleak, when the pain is real, and when there seems nothing worth living for</a>...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But it's the way that this has all been going... the time that it's taken for me to get back to "normal", the other, outside stressors that hang in the air that's made our discussions turn into arguments, turned our tones much more bitter and turned our friendship and mutual respect into begrudging acceptance that we have to co-exist, at times. We've both said horrible things to eachother. Things I wouldn't say to anyone... ever... I've said to him. He's screamed and shouted back things just as bad... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Don't get me wrong, when things go wrong, he's still there for me, still there to help. The rib crisis a few weeks ago reminded me of that fact. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But I'd stopped respecting him, his opinions and his thoughts over the last few weeks or months. Years, at some points, if I'm honest. He accuses me of being "egotistical", a "know it all"<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/04/how-doctors-think-are-doctors-arrogant.html" target="_blank"> just like "my doctors"</a>. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And to be honest... I have been. The way I treat my parents when they sit in on consultations with me, giving them irritated looks for asking "stupid" questions which are really just honest questions (I know if I was asked to comment on Dad's planning logistics operations, I'd draw a complete blank)... and they way I sneer, and throw death-stares at them when they bring up things infront of the doctor that made me feel foolish and less "doctorly"; alternative medicines or bad health habits I wanted concealed from them, is just obnoxious. The way I act these days when I dismiss Mum (a qualified, high achieving MBA at a high position in a multinational corporation)'s advice when it comes to starting up my own social enterprise to help charities and businesses alike make money; foolish. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Our prides, something I don't have, or display much outside the family setting, get in the way, and and we end up butting heads over and over again. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And in the end, it's only hurting us. Causing me to dismiss possibilities and options that may well relieve my cramping and other symptoms. Stopping us from being the good mates we are.</span><br />
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<i>True. But they may still have effects we haven't been able to find yet... and at the very least... things like meditation, deep breathing and reducing meat consumption are just healthy.</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So Dad... I'm sorry for being a jackass. An absolute arse and I'm sorry for not respecting you. Because YOU'VE brought me up to be the man with the values and attitude I have today. It's your belief, your teachings - "<i>that you should leave this world in a better state than you left it in"</i> that drives me. It's your philosophy, "<i>that you should always smile at people. Because you never know whose rough day you just made" </i>that I take with me everywhere; to enrich the lives of those around me, as well as mine. It's your sense of humour that compels me to add <i>"that you could never express those sentiments this beautifully" (</i>as your effective writing skills are nowhere near as good as mine. This bit is an inside joke I may share with you guys one day..)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">This video I made about doctors needing to care about their patients more is embodied, essentially on your beliefs. Ones that are strikingly similar to great people like Patch Adams. </span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I will try to be more accepting, more respectful, more patient with you and promise to take your advice and apply it at home (instead of just outside the confines of it, as I've been doing), and, as you say, "listen to anything said about you or your ideas without emotion or bias, for there may be wisdom, or an idea in there waiting for you to grab it". I'll listen to any advice you give me and take it to heart, and try to not let bitterness stop me from becoming a better person. Something you've taught me to do, and be. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">But one pearl of wisdom I've heard elsewhere is that often the ones that make us laugh the most are the saddest inside. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">One thing I also want to ask on this Father's day is, <b>Are You Okay</b>? It's n</span>ot just because <a href="http://yourstruly.org.au/#/story" target="_blank">R U OK day is coming up this Thursday</a>, but because for all the times you've asked me that question over the years, I've never asked you that back... I've forgotten to...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Maybe no-one has... </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">The things you've said to us, the anger you release at times... it doesn't make sense. Once or twice... you seem to have hinted that you're hurting too. Something you don't like to show. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You've had to watch a person you love go through hell and back. You've had to sit by silently and watch as doctors inserted needle after needle into me, while I lay strapped down in bed in ICU twice (perhaps more times, I can't really remember), watch in horror as my face, in your words, for I can't remember, "<a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hallucinations.html" target="_blank">distorted, to the point where your right eye was where your mouth should be</a>"; you've had to watch me wither away into this hobbling, pained creature <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/pain-and-suicide.html" target="_blank">as these cramps and my disease has gotten worse</a>... YOU'VE been through hell and back... And I don't know how you've done it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know you're strong, I know you've also gotten <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/to-most-amazing-people-i-know-thanks.html" target="_blank">strength from my brother, and his reaction</a>, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html" target="_blank">as well as mine</a> to this whole thing, but to you, and any man reading on who may think this way,<a href="http://softenthefckup.com.au/" target="_blank"> <i>it's not weak</i> to admit, or wanna talk about how you're feeling</a>. It's weak to hide it inside; it takes strength to put it out there, at first. But once you do, you're taking the first step to being a happier person. And when you put it that way... <b>it doesn't make sense not to do it</b>, if you are feeling that way. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">You may think you're strong enough, smart enough to do it on your own. But hell, if someone else could help you do it in half the time, you've just saved yourself more time to enjoy life as you want, and deserve to. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">If you do think talking about it may help - please do so. Find a good mate, someone older, someone who you respect, or someone you trust; or else find someone who you never have to see again who is obliged to keep everything you said to them a secret - a psychologist, perhaps to do it with. And if you, or any man is stuck for people to talk to - check out these guys who may be able to help: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Australia: <a href="http://softenthefckup.com.au/">http://softenthefckup.com.au/</a></span><br />
<a href="http://www.mensshed.org/home/.aspx">http://www.mensshed.org/home/.aspx</a><br />
America: <a href="http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/find-support-groups">http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/find-support-groups</a><br />
International: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/for-me/men/depression-in-men<br />
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Lifeline: (+61) 131114<br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Whatever you may or may not be going through - I'll always be here for you dad, as you've always been here for me. And we'll be together forever. Happy Father's day. Enjoy these moments!</span></div>
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Dad and I after chemo #1</div>
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Dad and I after finishing the Ride to Conquer Cancer</div>
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Dad and I about a week ago tearing up the party as usual!</div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-73570079030286985732015-09-04T12:08:00.000+10:002015-10-23T00:07:09.503+11:00Losing Independence and Feeling Like a Burden. But a Kind Gift's Gonna Get me Some of it Back. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span lang="EN-US"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/an-open-letter-to-doctors-from-scared.html">Last post:</a><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/07/the-best-memes-on-internet-about.html">Next One</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Cancer, as a young person, can affect your life in SOOO many more ways than people imagine. It's not just the brutal, life-threatening treatment that leaves scars, physically (pick any picture of me and you can see it), psychologically (I still get nightmares, that I'm back in hospital getting treatment, every now and then) and emotionally (coping with the loss of your looks, physicality, and sometimes self is hard, especially when you're meant to be "at your peak); it's the little seen, but all too present loss of independence that can REALLY get to you. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As a young adult, you're expected to live life "To the max", having started to come to grips with who you are as a person, you're expected to go out, stay in, explore the world and do things, pursue the dreams, and start to live the life you've envisioned for yourself... but when the long term effects of cancer stop you from doing that... it SUCKS. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But what sucks more though is the fact that you have to rely on others to help you. Because another thing that's expected as you leave your teens and hit your 20s is that you go out and become your own man. Or woman. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The last few months, as I've had those eye; let's call them "episodes" <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omxjiOtn_VM">(1/10,000 complications happened in EACH of my eyes, a few months apart</a>), as I've started further chemotherapy based treatment for the chronic graft versus host disease that lingers in my body, and as those awful cramps I keep talking about have gotten worse and worse, I've had to rely on others A LOT. My Mum, Dad and Brother, the most. But others too. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I remember the day before I lost my left eye, I was cramping so bad that I needed a friend to escort me from the full lecture theater of concerned looking medical students (the dean herself was lecturing, and looking worried too), and look after me as my brother pulled up to take me home. I was thankful. As hell. Touched, at not only his, but also the whole's grade's obvious concern for my welfare. An amazing trait to see in a room full of people who are gonna be looking after our, and our children's well-being in the near future... </span><br />
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It restored my faith in what I said here. That doctors DO care. And that they DO want to help others. But that sometimes... they feel they can't. And that's what gets them down.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But despite the gratitude I felt for that act, and despite the occasional kind comments and well wishes I get from people, often strangers, when I tell them my story, I can't help but feel... pity for myself every-time I have to lean on someone else's shoulder, or say those things. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>That self-pity can easily turn to self-loathing. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Especially in the context of home. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My parents and my brother are the most amazing people I know. They've not only looked after me, caught me when I fell (literally and figuratively) and on top of that, also looked to help others (<a href="http://www.abc.net.au/pm/content/2015/s4287013.htm">this amazing interview my mum did to let other carers know they're not alone was beautiful. </a>You may not know this, but often, when people approach me through there, I "refer" mothers, fathers and other family members to her, and she gives them support) - </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">they've kept me </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">happy</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> in these, the most frustrating times of my illness too.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Which is just as important. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When there's a party or an event on at uni, they usually offer to drive me. There, and back (no matter how late I end up home). When I went to Adelaide last year for a medical conference, and Canberra, just a week ago, for the International Youth Ag Summit, they called everyday, readied everything, picked me up from thousands of miles away - Dad, for last week's conference, actually took a week off work to stay and care for me. He did everything, from helping dress me (it's been hard to do that, with the recent rib-tumour surgery. Don't worry - I'm fine and recovering now), lugging around my bags and stuff, and being forced to stand inconspicuous, mostly bored in the background during lectures and breakouts, to make sure I was fine and could attend. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And my poor, besotted brother is usually the one to pick up the slack. He's been tasked with taking me to poker games every night, often the only thing that takes my mind off things when I'm cramping really bad, the last few months where I couldn't drive. And he's had to do that, as well as all the other things; taking me to appointments, putting cream on my back, running after me and doing all the things I couldn't do normally for all those reasons, AT THE EXPENSE OF HIS SPARE TIME and holidays... At the expense of HIS youth. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm grateful for all they do. But at the same time... they get frustrated. Over time, as their acts of kindness becomes <i>expectations </i> for the boorish, annoying person that is me (I take them for granted and treat them like crap, WAY too much), they can't help but snap back at me. Or give me frustrated looks. And do those amazing things they do for me everyday begrudgingly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>And I can't help but be frustrated by that either. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I HATE the fact that I have to rely on them so much. I HATE the fact that I can't make all those things I want to; half the time because I'm not up to it, half because I can't bring myself to beg my family for a lift. I HATE that when I look at the kids playing in the street, or when I see my friends posting pictures of their birthdays or trips overseas, or THAT when I JUST see other people <i>WALK AROUND, MOVE FREELY AND PICK UP THINGS WITHOUT FEARING PAIN, </i>I feel a surge of <b>jealousy </b>overcome me... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I wish I could do all those things. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I could do thing myself... and not feel like a burden all the time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And I've felt this way for ages... As do many others struggling with things like this, or chronic illnesses or disabilities and even depression... my age, younger and older. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But recently... one extremely kind act has changed that, just a tiny bit, for me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I recently got a message on my personal Facebook from a stranger. Not too uncommon an event due to this blog. But this was an offer to give me money. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now I've been offered money, gifts, even flights to America being paid for through this blog and through my speaking a few times now. I always tell them to donate it to a good, effective cause, one that helps the most people possible, or to donate to one of my own fundraisers, if I have one running, if they insist. And so far, they've acquiesced. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But this lady kept insisting. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What was touching about this though was the <i>reason </i>why she was insisting on ME having it.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Without me saying it, ever publicly before, without me having blogged or complained about it all... she'd somehow hit the nail right on the head. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Her own words... Here they are. I "</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>just noticed that you'd like to play poker and I wondered if I could offer you some cash for taxis to get you going independently. I figured the hardest part (well maybe not the hardest...) of being a tad sick is loosing the independence which you've just gained as a young adult so nobody need know </i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>In fact I propose you don't mention it and just take s bloody taxi</i>" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At that point in time, the week after being released from hospital after my surgery, that was probably the most frustrated I was feeling by this. I was otherwise healthy, I wasn't in any major pain, but I still needed help showering, putting on clothes, shoes; even getting up from bed and getting to the bathroom when those cramps came on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The humiliation was one thing. My parents, and brothers' frustration at me, and mine at them, another. Tension just builds around the home when someone's sick, and in our case, it was sky high, and my activities, my "running around after others' while you're still sick" and my freedom was being questioned and ground away into dust.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was sick of it. But as touching as it was, I still wasn't going to take that gift. I do all this not for money but to <i>help other</i>s. So I told her, after she insisted on giving it to ME for my personal use and personal use only, that if she REALLY wanted to help me, she should give it to my soon-to-come charity (a social enterprise I'm talking to a few people about and starting to develop that'll help charities gain a new source of income and help businesses out simultaneously... I'll post more about it later). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But again, she admonished, "<i>Nikhil, I'm probably your mums age so I'm going to have to pull rank here! You are not a charity. I give both time and money to politics and charity when I can and you are neither - you're a young man who should take a hearty offer to enjoy life and have fun with tiny help from someone offering who is happy to do so</i>."</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Just be simple and un philosophical for the moment, push away boring old reason, humility and just take it!! Don't be shy or embarrassed. The only condition is its for you and it's for fun! I love that you play poker!"</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"you should accept and should take whatever life throws your way... Just because you can! You of all people know it throws some shite... So a random stranger, eyes wide open offers you taxi cash, just take it." </span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And you know what, after talking to her for a while, after learning more about her and her battles with disease, and her work with social enterprises too... I decided to do just that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She sent me the money just yesterday. And I'm gonna use it. For that reason only. All my poker winnings go to the Buywell Foundation (my charity's name) seed-fund anyway. Technically, she has given to my social enterprise. Technically, she has given me back some of my freedom, and technically, I am gonna be using it for poker. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>But in reality... she's allowed me to feel nearly normal and free again. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And that's <i>EVERYTHING. </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">She's insisted this remain anonymous. And it will. It wasn't a HUGE amount - don't worry, I'm not gonna be heading off to Vegas for a weekend of debauchery anytime soon (unless I win big of course... though to be honest... I'd chuck it all in the bank and build up that charity-cum-company anyways). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But one thing I've also realised is that <i>TECHNICALLY.... </i>I'm being payed to play poker now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>So <i>TECHNICALLY... </i>I'm a Pro! </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hahaha - I'll keep you updated on my progress, on if my current $4000 "career" poker earnings go up significantly... but the way I play, just for fun, in low stakes games, her donation should last me months. And hopefully by then, the medications will have kicked in, I'll be over my cramps, and back to being me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>What will last forever though is my appreciation for her keen sense of understanding. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>And the knowledge that others in the world DO GET IT. </b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Being sick, or sad sucks. But if you feel like you're a burden too, it sucks even more. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Hopefully this allows you guys reading on to understand that, and be more aware that others in your life may feel that way. Or that you're not alone if you yourself do. One thing I've also realised from all this, the weeks of tension that's lingered in my home, is that they wouldn't be doing all this for me if they didn't love me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Caring is the physical embodiment of that love, and I thank everyone who's ever shown me that care in my life because it's made me the man I am today. </span></div>
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<i>Now before you guys who wanted to donate before go off in a hurry and use this as a way to get me to accept gifts... again thank you SO much but honestly... I'll be fine! You save up that money and donate it when the kickstarter for Buywell comes out; 'cause when it does... it'll go HUGE. And I truly believe, and want it to make the WORLD a better place. </i><br />
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-62799846434093832702015-08-11T17:37:00.000+10:002015-09-05T01:32:13.357+10:00An Open Letter to Doctors from a Scared Patient in Scared Times.The Best Doctors I've had. And the Worst. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span lang="EN-US"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html">Last post:</a><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/09/losing-independence-and-feeling-like.html">Next One</a></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Being a patient isn't easy. Especially when you're in hospital in an emergency situation, as I was last week... <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/here-we-go-again-cancer-for-third-time.html">For those who didn't know - I presented to emergency last week, midway through chemo, with shortness of breath and they ended up finding a new cancer on my fourth rib on the right</a>. Don't worry though - I'm fine! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">They removed the lesion that was there and the worst case scenario - a relapse of my very aggressive original disease - Acute Myeloid Leukaemia - in the bone has been essentially ruled out and being localised (there are no other areas of my body with this kind of look on scans), whatever the tumour is, that'll likely be all that's required in terms of treatment. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">During that tumultuous week, my first where I'd gotten major surgery come to think of it, I probably met as many doctors as I had since being diagnosed 4 years ago. I definitely would have if you took out med students, interns and residents from the equation and just left the specialists. I met 12 anesthetists alone. By the time you're reading this... I'd probably have met 14.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And over this last pressure-filled week, I've had some of the best and worst experiences with my doctors. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But let's save the best for last... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'd like to say first that these doctors I've been under - I don't believe are bad doctors. S</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">kill and knowledge wise, they're far from deficient.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Indeed, one is apparently one of the best in his field; one of three who even performs the surgery I needed last week in my nation. And they're not horrible people either - I've come across worse, more abrasive doctors in my time, heard of many more horrible experiences, circumstances, rebukes from doctors <a href="http://lisabadams.com/2013/02/27/the-stupid-things-people-say-to-people-with-cancertheir-families/">and regular people to young cancer patients in particular</a> - I probably came across these guys at bad times, in time-constrained circumstances or something of the like. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But that still doesn't ease the pain, or worry I felt because of them...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Luckily, I'm a person who can cope with that anxiety well. But not everyone can. So at the very least... for those doctors, future doctors, nurses or other healthcare staff reading on - this can serve as a lesson. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I was told I had a lesion on my fourth rib - one that may be cancerous, as you can imagine, I wanted to see exactly what it was. Or at least learn more about it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was admitted to hospital on Tuesday morning, and found out about this lesion that afternoon. Immediately on hearing this, and learning that there was a spot in that same area last year - I wanted to see the scans or reports myself. I struggled (I was still cramping and short of breath) and limped my way to the nurses and doctors station and demanded to see my reports or my doctors as soon as possible. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After a while, the resident on my medical team walked in and told me the bad news. He confirmed that there was some kind of lesion, but when it came time to seeing the report... he couldn't give it, as "Only a specialist could give such reports to patients, according to New South Wales Policy." I was pissed. Angry,,, beyond words... They were my scans... my reports... about my body. Why was I not allowed to see them, and someone else was in the first place? Shouldn't it be the other way around?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But I guess it wasn't his fault. And I guess I could see a potential reason for such a policy. You wouldn't want a patient to worry themselves too much, or be disclosed information without knowledgeable guidance.... Fair enough. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Could you call or page my specialist so I could see them?" </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">No. That was for some reason or the other impossible too... He was probably scared of bothering him for this tiny thing. The systemic bullying, <a href="http://www.smh.com.au/comment/doctor-hierarchy-makes-it-hard-to-fight-sexist-or-inappropriate-behaviour-20150407-1mfocs.html">and even sexual harassment </a>that <a href="http://www.medicalobserver.com.au/professional-news/bullying-of-medical-trainees-must-stop-amsa">came with the doctor hierarchy </a>may have had something to do with this. If the consultant on call was such a bully, he may have had to cop a huge tongue-lashing from him, at the very least. Perhaps the laws were extremely restrictive. In any case, it wasn't him I was angry at. I got where he was coming from, and saw that he had no power to change things here. So I tried everything; calling my own specialist on his line (he wasn't in the office and couldn't answer), calling my GP (who's amazing and has helped me often in crisis situations in the past) and even calling and asking other doctors, including specialists at other hospitals, to see if there was something I could do. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Eventually, I resigned myself to waiting 'til tomorrow, for my consultants' usual Wednesday "Grand Round", where he and those under him would review all patients under their care for the report. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And the next morning, I got an absolute 'Yes. Of course you can see your reports" from him. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Great, right?!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That's when I met annoying doctor number 1. The senior registrar (the level just under consultant) under my consultant was busy. I could understand that. She may have had a few long cases, or emergencies under her belt. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But for two whole days, two <i>painstaking </i>days of me asking her, the residents under her, my nurses, my doctors and my consultant again on the phone again and again, I didn't get to see that report. I didn't know for 2 days how large the lesion was. What caused them to suspect what they suspected it was. How much of my body would be deformed; cut away in this surgery that was being planned there for it! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">All I had to work off in this time were off remarks from my haematologist about a "lesion on the anterolateral aspect of the fourth rib" that radiologists suspected was a "chondrosarcoma" that the orthopedists (bone surgeons) recommended required me to go straight to "a rib resection" rather than a biopsy first. Words I could luckily grasp and understand, with my medical knowledge, but ones that would have left most other already anxious, suffering patients even more distressed. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When we asked her why the reports hadn't been disclosed thus far, by anyone else, including the anaesthetists, orthopedists or the pain team who'd all been by by that point on her own rounds (which can happen at anytime in the day by the way - they often catch you when you least expect it, one after the other) later that day, she responded, brashly, dismissively even, to my obviously anxious mother, that "It's because we're the haem team." before brushing on to the next question, failing to even acknowledge our plight.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> After a rushed consultation (we were her last patient of the day, and we'd seen her laughing alongside colleagues later on; so she wasn't rushed by other patients), a non-commital "Yeah, we'll get on to it," and a "hmph" and a small turn, she was out of the room, leaving us even more confused than when she entered.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The next day, early, before 7am (breakfast is served at absurdly early hours at St Vincent's), we had more of the same. And it was only after cornering my haematology consultant onthe phone that we finally had the original resident, who'd initially been the one to refuse our seeing the reports, come in, show and explain the results of that CT scan to us. A mere hour before 5am Friday, the hour at which hospitals, for all intents and purposes, close. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now I understand that doctors are busy. I understand that they don't always have time, that they may have emergency situations and that they have a LOT of work to do. I understand that some patients are placed on higher priorities than others; indeed, rather than get angry, I'm a patient who's grateful if he's seen last, as that means I'm probably most well off, medically.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But though these things may seem like little, pestering requests peppering your busy schedules as doctors, they mean <i>EVERYTHING</i> to a patient going through tough times. Especially those newer to hospital experiences. But as you can probably gather... veterans like me get scared and anxious too. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The sad thing is, teams often have these informal priority lists assigned to patients to get procedures and scans during in-patient stays done, but the little requests, and sometimes even the less likely, yet all-too-possibly correct tests aren't done. Because in addition to my not getting these reports, my echocardiogram (an ultrasound of the heart) was put to the back of the list so often, after they ruled out most of my major causes of shortness of breath, that it wasn't even done until I specifically reminded the team about it. They'd simply forgotten. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The chances of there being a pericardial effusion causing that (they ultimately ended up pinning that initial shortness of breath that brought me in to my cramping as all the other tests came back negative) initial haggard breathing was unlikely, the chances of it being severe minimal considering my lack of the Beck's triad of dangerous clinical signs. But it was still something that could have played a part in my initial presentation. Something that could have blown up in my face considering the fact I was getting major surgery in the chest later that week. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I understand there may not be time to answer everyone's tiny little questions, or to grant every little request. I understand that there are days where you may be overwhelmed, where the concerns of a pushy family whose child has what's likely a slightly cold seem irrelevant next to your failure to resuscitate a young man after an accident. I know you're human, and can't do everything...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But you don't need to. Delegating the less necessary concerns, the less-likely-to-be-severe complaints of patients and their requests, to those below you in the medical team, those secretaries or clerks assigned to you, or to a colleague with more time on his hands is one way you can make the lives of both you and your patient better without impacting your own. If it does require a little effort on your behalf, then do document those "less urgent" concerns somewhere - maybe even design a symbol or mark to distinguish them from the rest of your notes - and try to get back to them later when you get a chance because believe me <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/12/why-doctors-and-why-you-need-to-care.html">- it's not just your patients who benefit from this - it's you too. </a>The small things can make the biggest difference to a patient going through what's often the worst days of their lives, and if you can resolve those problems for people every ordinary day of your life... then your own life will be the richest of anyone's in the world. </span><br />
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Making your job your <i>profession</i> as a doctor is vital not just for job satisfaction, it could have huge mental and physical impacts on YOUR life too. </div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've dished out a lot of dirt now... and this is just annoying Doctor #1. I could go into Doctor Annoying Number 2 into <i>extravagent </i>detail; and some of the words, some of the things I've faced from doctors in the past, I could go on for <i>pages</i> about; but I feel I've done enough of that for now. Suffice to say the phrase "typical Surgeon" could do Annoying #2 justice... you may just hear the goss on him later if he happens to do something else very alarming today.... but I understand how he can be very busy too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But though I've had many bad experiences with doctors at various stages, in various circumstances, in the past, I've been lucky enough to have most of my experiences with doctors positive in nature. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html">words that changed my life were uttered from my first haematology doctor's mouth</a>, the conversations we've had over things ranging from life-and-death decisions, <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/04/how-to-keep-ensure-cancer-treatments.html">the future of medicine and treatments</a>, to exchanges of fishing tales and adventures tantalisingly human in nature. The confidence my transplant specialist had in me to choose the medication that's kept me alive today and then fight for my right to get it completely subsidized came down to an email exchange between him and I that he was happy to facilitate in his own time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've been blessed with not only the best parents, siblings, nurses, staff and friends in the word, but also some of the best doctors too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But by far the most human of these has been my opthalmologist; my eye doctor, and my first doctor, who'll always have a special place in my heart. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">That ophthalmologist though, she showed just how amazing she was in this last tumultuous week too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My eyes, as most of you regular readers would know, have gone through a lot in the last half year or so. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/02/whats-going-on-my-eye-opening.html">I've lost almost all my vision in my left eye permanently to a "central retinal venous occlusion</a>", whose cause we still don't know <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/06/my-eye-opening-experience-part-2-its.html">and then, just over 3 months after that, almost lost my right eye as well to the same reason</a>. </span></div>
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My reflections... my feelings as I went through what I felt may well have been the last time I saw anything.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">During this second time in particular, as I was rushed to the hospital, experiencing the same things as I did the first time, seeing the same results from the same tests coming back, I was in one of the most sullen moods of my life. I knew what was coming. And I knew that there wasn't must we could do to change the results of it. All I could do was sit there and wait for what could have been the last flashes of lights I'd ever see go by in this alien, dreary waiting room. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yet when I called Claire during that time... she showed nothing but concern and care for my welfare. Me. Just one of who knows how many patients she had she showed love and concern for where she had every right to be peeved, pissed off and even violated for being called up at 5am with information of this going on. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">During that crisis itself, and in the weeks following up, she was her usual amazing self. Luckily, the vein blockage that caused my left eye to go blind had cleared for some unknown reason and I hadn't lost both my eyes. And in the weeks following, she was happy to see me every week during this time, and even offered and decided to see me for free in this period. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Every appointment, as usual, we'd discuss the findings as she saw them, and she did more than explain the goings-ons of my eye to me as the details emerged on the screen, she made sure mum and I both could see the differences; the changes in the scans, actively involving us in the process and making us feel like we had control of the situation. Something many, if not most patients, <a href="http://jme.bmj.com/content/30/3/268.full">wish they had in their interactions with doctors.</a> Something that's indeed, been linked with better outcomes and survival times in diseases ranging <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21747102">from colds</a> to <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/15806476">kidney failure </a>to advanced <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16512284">cancers</a>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We couldn't thank her enough for what she'd done for us in those last few weeks/months. She'd transformed this tragedy that would have stayed with me for life into one of the most inspirational experiences of my life. And we thanked her in kind by giving her a pair of gold bauble-style ear-rings; a wedding present to her (she'd recently been engaged we found out from another patient of hers), as during her eye examinations, she always had me look at her earrings, and I always made sure to point out the style she'd chosen to wear on the day (she always picked quirky and extravagent ones to "give her patients something to look at). </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We gave that to her a month ago, looking forward to my next 6 weekly appointment. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But somehow, during the crisis that was last week, she got wind that I had yet another cancer. And when I saw her face in my window the day I'd gotten my bone scans (indeed, she was the one who deciphered them for me, and let me know that they confirmed it was another cancer I had), I was shocked. I couldn't believe it at first. But there she was, the earrings we'd gotten her glimmering in the light, smile bright as ever, beaming at me, with flowers in hand. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"How come you're here? How did you know what was up?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"I'd heard about this happen, and I wasn't far away. I live right in the middle of Sydney, really, so it wasn't that hard to pop in." she exclaimed cheerily, handing me a set of fake flowers and then taking them from my hands, still limp from disbelief and organising them on my noticeboard of cards and encouragement with my similarly awed mother. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I was astounded. I know personally the amount my doctors, my two haematologists leading my treatment, cared for me, as they cared for any of their patients from deep conversations with them about treatment and just life. But even <i>THEY</i> hadn't gone this far to show their concern. Now that I think of it though... I do remember my first doctor, the one who'd told me those words, "The Good news is you're 17 and you have leukaemia, but the bad news is... you're 17... and you have leukaemia," walking in shyly to see me and wish me well before one of my procedures at a completely different hospital, on his day off, one day. He played it off cool... but he was there to specifically see and talk to me...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The generousity of these souls... their sheer care for the people who'd been thrust into their hands damaged and sick and their nurturing huamnity to bring us back to health... was just staggering. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That sort of care these 2 amazing souls had didn't just extend to me though. My first Haematologist told me his code one day in a candid moment. He treats "Every single person as if they're his father, brother, son, or uncle". And the way he treats them backs this up. He goes to every extent, doesn't care if he steps on toes or upsets people; he's renowned for giving tongue-lashings to clerical staff who wouldn't budge on red tape, and every time you're in serious trouble, you're glad to have him there because, if you needed it most, he'd ensure you got that CT scan, MRI or procedure done, no matter what others would say. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">People call him eccentric, difficult to work with, rude even. But my Dad saw him immediately for what he really is. "The other day, before your first chemo, I came across him in the hallway and asked 'Doing anything this weekend, doctor?' attempting to make small talk. He just stared off into the distance and walked off the other way. And I wasn't offended at all." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"Why," I asked. I'd only just met him for the first time the other week, he'd only just told me those words that were going to change my life and I hadn't processed them for their real meaning yet. To me, he was an eccentric, off-putting doctor who had, in my own words, "No people skills."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Because I know that the reason he did that was because he was busy thinking about a problem he had with another patient. And that patient in his mind may have well been you. With that in mind... Who do you want treating you?" </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Claire, my opthalmologist, displays the same level of compassion and care for ALL of her patients too, I know, through this enlightening chat we had with another of her patients at during last visit. She was carrying a bunch of flowers, the same variety, I'm realising now, as the one's hanging on my noticeboard in this room, and my father made a remark on the arrangement. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Yes, they are pretty aren't they?" the old lady smiled. "Claire got them for me, bless her. My son had died this month 20 years ago, and I mentioned that I was planning on visiting his grave to her during my last check-up last year. The dear soul remembered... Bless her." she sighed, wiping off a tear...</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's no wonder she always talks about being blessed and having the most adorable patients ever, "a veritable gang of second grandmas" as she puts it... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The humanity of that action... the sheer compassion and thought it showed... goddamnit... </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">THAT'S the kind of doctor I wanna be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Hell... that's the kind of HUMAN I want to be!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Random acts of kindness have the power to change lives. I've said it many times before... but these guys transcend that and make every action as good as possible. It's bloody amazing, and I'm honoured to be affiliated with souls like this, and one day, aspire to be someone just like this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/medicine/comments/2zkh1h/xpost_from_rpics_a_very_moving_picture_of_an_er/">An ED doctor pictured crying after losing a 19 year old patient. Doctors often seem like they don't care, that theyre emotionless. In truth, they're often just better at bottling it up than most. Read this amazing Reddit thread filled with people's own experiences here</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I know it's hard to display this level of care and compassion everyday, for everyone during every circumstance too. But I know one thing as well... it's bloody worth it. And I'll definitely try to be as good a person, as well as a doctor, as I can be for everyone... forever. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But for you doctors, medical professionals; just ANYONE reading this, you don't have to feel the pain, or the worry of getting a cancer to understand this. You don't have to experience it first hand, as many doctors, <a href="http://heartsinhealthcare.com/happiness-healthcare-project-blog-1/">such as these, end up doing before they themselves decide to write an inspiring article and change the way they practice</a>. Hopefully reading this will make sure you don't have to do that one at the very least... You don't have to examine or read through textbooks and journal articles to find out how you should deal with your patients. All you've gotta do is Just Be Human. Just be nice... And if you can spread that humanity in a place, at a time at someone's life where there doesn't seem to be much going around - you WILL Change Lives. You WILL make a difference. And if you're ever struggling to find meaning in your life - be you a doctor or not - these acts will change YOUR life too.</span></div>
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1677305111276182009.post-30153410798542495832015-08-03T19:04:00.000+10:002015-08-11T23:18:37.341+10:00Here we go again... Cancer For a Third Time... When will it learn IT CAN'T MESS WITH ME!?!?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span lang="EN-US"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/07/the-best-memes-on-internet-about.html">Last post:</a><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html"> </a></span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html">My Story:</a><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: small;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"> </span><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/08/an-open-letter-to-doctors-from-scared.html">Next One</a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So... what's been going on you ask? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What's with that chemo drug you were talking about on Facebook? I thought you said it wasn't for cancer... and now you posted this?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Well, let me explain. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Recently I started a "chemotherapy" drug, but not for cancer. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It's called rituximab - and it's not only in brackets because it's technically, in my case, not a chemotherapy, as it's not "A chemical agent used in the treatment of cancers" (it was given for another condition I have - a side effect of my bone marrow transplant; chronic graft versus host disease. I'll explain it in detail in a later post) but because it's mechanism of action; the way it works is n</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ot in line with most chemotherapies. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Sure, it can have some of the nastier side effects of chemo - nausea, low immunity, diarrhoea; plus a few others (the reaction many, well, most patients have to it on the first dose can kill if a close eye isn't kept on it), but many people tolerate it pretty well beyond that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Me included, so I thought after the first infusion. My reaction to it was mild - only a bit of cold/cough symptoms and a slight tightening of the chest. But over the next few days... the worst side effect came on. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The cramping. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now I've had cramps for a while now; at least 1 and a half years. Ones that come on spontaneously that strike anywhere, anytime (though usually more severely at night), and fast, but they leave me in pain and anxiety for ages. They've were bad enough to affect my overall outlook on life and <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/pain-and-suicide.html">whether it was all worth it for a while (I talked about how I deal with that here - don't worry, I'm past that now)</a> but since starting this medication... which is supposed to reduce them over time... they've gotten even worse. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The two days after my first dose, I cramped LITERALLY all day. In the arms, legs, shoulders, abs; everywhere. After the second dose, a week and a half ago now, I didn't stop cramping the entire week. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But there was another side effect of it that I also was starting to notice. Shortness of breath. And one night... that got even worse than the cramping. The day before what should have been my third dose of the drug, I got up and, within a few, cramp-filled steps, was gasping for breath. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We were on high alert. Any odd signs, even one as tiny as a new cough, was cause for immediate concern and, if outside hospital hours, a trip to emergency, we were warned. It was 7pm... I'd just won a game of poker. So off to emergency we went. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Just another day in the office for the masked bandit...</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Haha played 2 big tournaments in this mask to protect me from infections. It also gave me an extraordinary poker face.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Once we were in there and seen we were given a range of possibilities of what it could be and what they were looking for. An infection of some kind was possible; but given my lack of a cough or fever or any other sign of it, unlikely. A pericardial effusion? Maybe because of this mildly abnormal ECG scan... A pulmonary embolism... a detached clot lodging itself in my lungs, though unlikely, had to be ruled out. Whatever it was, it was clear that we needed a scan more thorough than an X-Ray. So I was booked in for a CT. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So there I lay, back in my familiar bone marrow transplant ward, only 2 rooms down from where I'd received my life saving bone marrow donation, awaiting the results, when this new doctor burst in and told me this news.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Well... we got your CT back... Though it's clear of any infections or PEs, there was a lesion found on the forth rib. The radiologists have said it has the features of a chondrosarcoma." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">For a second, I sat there frozen, taking it all in. A few years of medical knowledge and intuition came into play... and the cogs in my brain started whirring... chondro - something to do with cartilage... the tense look on the residents and medical students' faces behind me meant something was up... sarcoma... a cancer... of the connective tissue. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Questions went racing through my mind, and before I knew it, firing off from my lips, as my confused parents looked to me and the registrar in charge. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"How do they know it's a chondrosarcoma?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Well... they don't definitively.. but there is some erosion in the bone, one that was there a few years ago, and it matches the features of it." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Could it be something else? An infection of some kind eating away at the bone? Some bad scan? Is it just a hunch?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Well probably not the former. Infections don't look like that on scans. The latter... well... we're still not sure. We'll have to biopsy it to see." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And with only a non-committal bye, she left. Leaving my confused parents and I wondering what the fuck just happened.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When I told a friend... he just said "You can't catch a break, can you?" </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It certainly feels that way sometimes...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Still, it's weird though. I didn't have any pain, or sudden weight loss associated with this sorta thing. Not even when they poked at the site of it. My haematology (blood doctor) team and the orthopedists weren't convinced by the scans at first, so they were sent off for an MRI and a full body scan (to both get more details on that lesion and see if there are any others elsewhere. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And that bone scan confirmed the worst. There is osteoblast and other metabolic activity in that eroded bone. Meaning that it is some form of cancer. And the orthopaedists were saying... given my history of acute myeloid leukaemia... that it could be a myelosarcoma. The Acute myeloid leukaemia, my original, EXTREMELY agressive cancer, could've been back, this time in my bones...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My reaction to this? Exactly the same as here:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yeah... I may have cancer again. <a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2013/07/my-story-nd-how-it-can-help-you.html">But, just like when I first got it, just like when I relapsed, just as I've done in every challenge, when pursuing any goal, just as I've done <i>ANYTHING</i> in life... I took a step back, put it all into perspective and decided to focus on what I could control</a>, on what could help me, rather than all the negative emotions, worries and thoughts; than all those things I couldn't. Because, as I always say, you'll always have a second way of looking at things. And you will ALWAYS be able to choose how you deal with any situation. No matter how hard it seems... Indeed, once you see that second, more positive, constructive path... taking it becomes the only <i>LOGICAL </i>thing to do.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I went out and looked at all the evidence of this being the worst case scenario... my original leukaemia coming back. There wasn't much in the way of evidence, bar a few isolated case reports of this happening in AML patients, and all of them had these bone manifestations at initial diagnosis, or relapse in cases where patients hadn't had bone marrow transplants; whose main purpose is to maintain a constant immune barrier to cancers coming back. And given the fact that there was a small sign of this lesion there a few years ago, and the aggressiveness of AML - the chances of it being that were tiny.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">And luckily my haematologists agree. **Phew** In the off chance it is that though... I've still got heaps of options. Even if it's the worst worst case scenario... I've got one of my own. Over the last few months I've been looking seriously into cancer vaccine immunotherapies - thinking of a way of applying them to a wide range of cancers. There aren't many therapies that attack all cancers... my methodology may well do that - it uses your own tumour cells to prime your immune system to recognise and kill your cancer cells. Perfect - because unlike many <a href="http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/personalized-cancer-vaccines-pass-early-test">personalised therapies, such as this one</a>, this doesn't require huge imput and study of patients' own tumour profiles and the subsequent design of a drug or therapy for it. <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24384837">A version of it has even been used in my disease - AML - with decent succcess</a>. And my methodology takes into account many of the shortcomings and recommendations of that one - and adds more from others. Plus there's another innovative component that'll get another pathway of the immune system involved; and all of this is cost and time efficient. My own idea may end up saving me...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But the more likely, less sinister case - that it's a chondrosarcoma, or some other, localised bone cancer I also looked into. And the good news about that - the 5 year survival rate for that is 90%. There may be post surgery radiation and chemo involved. Given my current situation, the graft versus host disease of the skin and other issues... it may be a bit more confusing, it may take longer than most patients. But hey! I'll pull through!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I guess you could call me unlucky... getting a really bad... agressive cancer, relapsing with it, getting a precursor to a different, just as aggressive cancer and now getting YET ANOTHER CANCER isn't exactly something you'd celebrate.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But when you take a step back and think about it from another perspective; I'm extremely lucky. Because if I hadn't been cautious, and come in when I started getting that shortness of breath, if I hadn't had that CT scan... we may never have found this til it was big enough to cause me pain, at which point... it could have spread elsewhere. where it's virtually untreatable.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">You always have a second view of looking at things. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">So why not choose the one that leaves you happiest?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Well... that's good and all. But that doesn't change the hard part... the treatment, though. I guess we don't really know the complete details of it yet. My orthopaedist, who specialises in bone tumours (in fact, he's happened to treat a few people I've met through this blog, as well as a good friend I know in real life - so I feel very safe in his hands!) is saying that we should just remove the segment of the rib and biopsy it later to find out exactly what it is. Why go in for 2 surgeries, and have the risk of causing swelling and facilitating spread of potential tumour cells when you're sure it is something that at the very least will progress to cancer, he argues. I guess he's the specialist here, and everyone else is, so I'm inclined to agree.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The surgery is on tomorrow. Or failing that Thursday. And it's gonna be painful as hell, I've been told. Not just the wound, which is gonna probably take longer to heal given my skin disease and steroid dosage, but the rib resection itself, which'll probably leave me in pain every time I breathe. The cramps I get, which are only getting worse really (another major concern of my haematologists and neurologists now) could make that even worse. Cause they happen in the chest and back - places he's planning to cut into. So that's gonna be... uncomfortable (a word doctors use to say pain when they don't want to say pain) to say the least...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There are some risks, my lung cavity could be pierced, there could be infections that come around with it. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But hey - I'm in great hands. And I'm choosing to see this, just as I have every other time, a minor inconvenience that'll lead to me being healthier and happier in the long run. As I've said before here... and as I spoke about here... fear can be paralyzing... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="http://nikhilthegrizzlybear.blogspot.com.au/2014/05/im-not-brave-or-strong-because-i-beat.html">But it's not only normal to feel that way about things like these... and knowing of, and acknowledging it isn't scary... it's the best thing you could do for yourself</a>. Because when the hard times come over the next few days of surgery and weeks of recovery... I'm not gonna crash down into despair... I'm gonna look at the big picture. What this is all for. And I'm gonna get through it. Like I always have!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thanks to everyone for those amazing messages and all the concern, and to all those friends in real life visiting too. Keep them going! Cause they'll keep me going over the next few weeks I'm sure! I'll keep you all updated but don't worry - in the meantime - I'll still be busy. I'll still keep working on those projects I've been hinting at. Cause hospital's boring. This may well get me working more efficiently than ever on it (IF I'm not high on morphine all the time that is =P ). </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Thanks again everyone - and please don't worry. I'm in good hands. My doctors, my nurses, my parents, and my own. Share this, or this sentiment around, and I hope it helps others going through their own tough times too. </span><br />
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Nikhil Autarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15294243862017761927noreply@blogger.com325